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What do you do when .....

#1
Woke up this morning thinking ‘what do you do when’ and all kinds of thoughts entered my mind and I thought I would write it out...

What do you do when .....you wake up and wish you didn’t as going in your sleep would be the easiest way out
when you had a close to perfect life only 3 years ago and one person and one life event tore it apart
when you had finally gotten to a place, after years of low self esteem, to feeling good about yourself and the person/life event set you back to square one
when you have been to multiple doctors, therapist, priests, etc. and nothing they say or do clicks...you know the solution is not in a pill.
when you fake it until you make it every day and it is exhausting and you cannot wait for Nighttime so you can go to bed and hope you sleep
when you used to bounce out of bed to get out and walk, enjoy the sunshine, etc. and now you hover under the covers and then make yourself get up
when you have hurt people you love in what can only be described as an uncharacteristic, bipolar moment as a result of the trauma and they have forgiven you but you cannot forgive yourself and you ruminate about it every day
when you sit every morning looking across the table at the man you adore and who adores you and you know you can’t hurt yourself as not only would he and your children be devastated but said he would take the same route thus leaving your children without parents.
when killing yourself would destroy the lives of your children and husband causing them embarrassment and humiliation in the community forcing them to move, enter therapy for the rest of their days, etc.
when you suffer from an autoimmune disease that has altered your facial features and cause internal organ damage thus corroding your already low self esteem
when you have money, ability to take vacations, etc. yet would give it all back for the peace of mind and love of life you used to have
when you look at all you worked hard for and say ’how the hell did this happen?’
when you fear killing yourself would lead you to an eternity spent in Hell

So friends that is my essay for today....I don’t expect an answer to my ‘what do you do when’ questions, just had to get them out....

I wish I could help others on this site .... but as you can see, I am pretty messed up! Who knows....I hold onto the hope that maybe someday I will be able to offer hope,
 

Lekatt

Love Cats Love All
SF Supporter
#2
You could love again, starting with yourself. Love is not a question, it is an answer. Love and Best Wishes.
 
#5
Yes....I am actually a very good person who was traumatized and then made some bad choices. Until I forgive and love myself I will not move forward......I keep trying but some days it feels like my attempts are futile.
I have 2 reasons for continuing my efforts....my family and my fear of hell, I have worked hard for this life I now have but this suicidal part was not in the plans.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#6
Hiya, I know you have been struggling for a long time. You are right the answer in this circumstance is not in a pill.

Have you ever thought about telling your family member you hurt (and who forgave you) how you feel and going to counselling with him, I don't think I have ever seen that suggested here to you, I think it is worth a shot in order to get your life back.

You are an amazing person, you have a heart of gold and do not deserve this suffering, you are constantly looking for answers but I feel you won't get the answers you need until you confront this issue head on. Maybe a change in therapists is needed too?

I would just love to log on here one day and hear you say you forgive yourself, you deserve that and I have faith you can do it. 💜
 

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