What do you do...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Motogirl, Nov 5, 2007.

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  1. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    What do you do when you truly have no one who cares? No family, no friends, no co-workers, no neighbors, no one to talk to. What do you do when you have no insurance, no job, no car? When you have lost everything. What do you do when you REALLY have nothing to live for? Most people here have something to look forward to. How do you rationilize going on. Two years ago I had a life, a good job in the medical field, friends. I haven't had a family in a long time, they are gone. I was married for a while, that didn't work out. My inability to have children contributed to that failure and has been a part of my demise. I haven't left my house in over a year, I can't. Where do you go from here other than wanting to escape the everyday pain of living?
  2. sunmeilan

    sunmeilan Member

    I think you do whatever you have to do to survive. I feel like I am fighting every day of my life and would love to be able to stop, but something in me makes me keep on going. That is why I'm here and writing - just knowing there are other people out there like me helps me. I hope it can help you too.
  3. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    Thanks, I am here trying to make some sort of connection. Thinking that if I can find someone to relate to this, maybe it will be a step in the right direction. I really am hoping this will help, I have no other resources.
  4. sunmeilan

    sunmeilan Member

    Me too.

    This may be a silly question, but have you tried talking to a professional? I waited until I was 36 before I sought any external help because I was ashamed I guess - when I did I was amazed at how helpful people were. It obviously hasn't solved my problems or I wouldn't be here tonight, but sometimes knowing that I can go back to people who know my history does help.

    What you said about not being able to have children struck a chord with me. I can't either (not that it matters now because I'm on my own again) and I find it very hard to cope with, especially because my sister has just had a baby. I am pleased for her, of course, but am also very jealous I guess because I would like to have one myself.
  5. newfag

    newfag New Member

    how do you subsist?
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    What happened that changed things for you so drastically? Was it the break up of your marriage or did something else contribute? I am sure you will find people with whom you can connect here. Many face issues similar to what you have described. I believe you can overcome them and become a productive member of society if that is what you want to do. It may not be easy and you may have to step out of your comfort zone to accomplish this, but it can be done. Stay safe and take care. :hug:
  7. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    It has been a combination of things, failed marriage, inability to have children when I really wanted a family. I have been overcoming things for twenty years and I'm tired. When you don't have anything in your life to keep you going, you just give up. I worked at a medical practice for years, and I guess they became my family. When the practice closed two years ago and everyone moved away I was orphaned once again, and I broke down. When my second suicide attempt failed a few months later, I completely shut down. It has taken this long to even get to this point.
  8. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    Newfag...What do you mean by subsist? I am not familiar with that word.
  9. KMS

    KMS Well-Known Member

    personally, and i dont recommend this, but i gave up. i jsut dont care anymore. i dotn cut myself or anything, but i play ice hockey and i look for ways to put myself into positions where i get hurt and feel pain. i jsut need to feel something.

    I would suggest you get help and find someone to help you. if friends and family dont care, forget them and go see a therapist.
  10. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    How do you pay your bills if you have nobody and no job? Just curious. I'd love to know the secret.

    Unfortunately, if I had any really good advice for you, I wouldn't be here to tell you what it was. I guess we all just have to keep hanging on and hoping. No matter how small the glimmer of hope is, it's always there, I guess.

    But of course, you do actually have a marketable skill. That's something some of us don't even have. I have nothing but my folks. I can't do anything that anyone would pay me more than minimum wage for and I don't even have the ambition to get out and do that if I don't have to. If anything happened to my folks, I'd be completely screwed. I have absolutely nothing of my own. but a computer, a TV, a stereo and a bed. Everything I have fits in a 10' x 12' room. And I have epilepsy on top of that. I'm stupid. I can't do math. Can't even learn to do it. I'm lazy. I hate to work. I'd rather die than ever work another day.

    So if it makes you feel any better, there are people who have it worse than you.
  11. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    Hi Random, I haven't got any great secret, I wish I did. When my ex-husband and I divorced, he got the big house with the big mortgage and I got the paid for cabin in the woods. I can't complain about that, at least I have a roof over my head. My bills are paid by the small income generated from stocks my parents invested in before they passed years ago. My marketable skill has all but disappeared since I live in a very small, isolated area and my suicide attempt is known throughout my community, and not looked on very well. I don't have the will to get back out in the world either so I know how you feel. But I must be honest with you, I would give ANYTHING to have my parents back. Please treasure every moment with them. As far as people having it worse, I just think people have different situations in life. Not worse, just different.
  12. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Hmmm. Well, here's what I would try to do in your situation. It might not be the best advice but you did ask.

    I would sell the cabin and move to a different area where people don't know your past so well. There, you'd probably have enough money to buy something modest and livable, maybe a car and try and get your life back on track with a new job. There are probably lots of wealthy people who would pay good money for an isolated cabin for a vacation home.

    I wouldn't wait around. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. I've been out of work for over two years and become less inclined to do something every day. It sounds like the place you're living is suffocating you. If people there aren't willing to try and help you out and accept you, there's really nothing there to hang onto.

    I wouldn't stress too much about the future. Just focus on the moment and the immediate future and just getting yourself into a tolerable situation.

    As far as the deal with my folks. I do cherish them. It's getting down to the wire though because my dad's close to retirement and they're riding me constantly about getting a job or something. They're my worst enemies and my best friends at the same time. I want to spend time with them but I avoid them like the plague. Stay locked up in my room all the time. Every time I come out, one of them asks me when I'm going to do something.
  13. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    Thanks Random, that is actually GREAT advice. Now if I could only motivate myself to do something about it. You are correct in saying the longer I wait the harder this will be. I seem to have fallen into a sort of limbo, not knowing if I want to try again. I have had to start over so many times, all of which have obviously failed. I'm just really tired. Thank you for the words of encouragement though. About your situation, I don't know if you are in the states but, if you are, can't you apply for some form of disability for your epilepsy? Even if it's a small amount, if you save while you are with your parents you will at least have a little something. Have you ever looked into working from home? Maybe something on the computer? I have been thinking about it, but haven't really explored any options.
  14. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Good luck to you Motorgirl. You were given a thoughtful advice and glad you will give it a go. Wishing you all the best in your newbeginning.

    Bless you
    Be well and safe always
  15. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Feel free to keep us updated. Maybe we can provide some kind of emotional support.

    Not really. I can apply for it but am unlikely to get it as my seizures are not frequent enough. They don't base it just on whether or not you have a disability but to what degree your affliction (whatever it is) disables you. Technically, I could work. I might not ever have a seizure at work. Or I might have one and tumble down a flight of stairs and break my neck. Apparently, they don't take that into account. I haven't had one in probably 8 months (controlled by medication). But in the 6 months prior to that, I had three or four (in spite of medication). So it goes. It's kinda like an intermittent mechanical problem with your car. It never does it when the mechanic is looking at it.

    I have. Not extensively but I've taken a few periphery glances at it. What I saw was pretty discouraging (for various reasons). In summary, lots of people would love to work from home and not have to go to a proper, regular job. Of those, lots of people have more drive and ambition to do it and make it work than I do. You also have to be willing to take a chance on it being a scam or a failure.

    Like I said, there's not a whole lot that I'm inherrently good at and even less that I actually enjoy doing (or can at least tolerate) which is why I say that at least you have something to work with. I'm pretty much a lost cause.
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