What do you do...?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xiaoxiao, Jan 7, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. xiaoxiao

    xiaoxiao Member

    I don't know how much longer i can do this. There's no-one and nowhere left to turn. somehow, I don't know when, I dropped off the edge of the human race - don't even exist anymore other than in my head -to the world i'm invisible---when cats have been kissed by death they dig a hole and sit in it rain or shine until they die ---I havn't the guts to do what they do instinctively -it's such a shameful, ignoble way to live
  2. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    So sorry you feel so horrible... It is totally rotten to feel so alone.

    There are times I think that if I were replaced by a robot no one would notice....

    But then something happens that reminds me that everyone has an impact on everyone else they encounter... I don't know how many times a simple smile or conversation with a cashier at a store will bring me out of darkness... and I don't even know who they are... and they don't know that they may have helped save a life...

    Please hang on - keep posting... this is one place you can turn.

  3. xiaoxiao

    xiaoxiao Member

    Thank you TBear for replying
  4. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi xiaoxiao,
    Sorry to hear you are feeling so terrible but you have come to the right place to talk about things and get support.

    Are you getting any help with how you feel, like a therapist or doctor?

    Here you can talk openly about how you are feeling, which often helps a great deal. We have all been through it ourselves on some level so understand and we care.

    Well hope to get to know you better,
  5. xiaoxiao

    xiaoxiao Member

    Thank you Bambi. I'm sure others have said it before but it's a relief to be able - to be ALLOWED to be suicidal without the stigma --

    like everything else, i've run out of doctors -- I'm a lifelong depressive who gets closer to the edge with every "breakdown" I read on a suicide site some time ago how many of us feel as afraid of dying as the next person while at the same time longing cessation

    When i get this bad i feel like someone is trying to kill me --another part of me
  6. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    You worded how I feel sometimes perfectly.

    But know this, you are NOT alone and there are plenty of us here that understand what you're going through.

    This is a great support forum.

    You can no longer say, you have nowhere to turn because you do!:IrishDoll:
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well atleast you know you're not alone anymore. You have a place that you can talk and get things out. A place where people arent going to judge you. A place where others really understand. So keep posting.

    Talking about things can really help lift the depression. And knowing that you arent going to have to feel badly about sharing the real you, or that you dont have to fear being "locked away" because you may have said too much means you can really talk.

    I hope that you find the support you need while you're here.
  8. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey that is an interesting way to put it...another part of you is trying to kill the big you.

    I am here if you need to talk - just keep posting.

    Do you mind sharing what you think may be the source of your depression? Like is it situational? Past experiences? Chemical imbalance?

    Anything you feel like sharing about yourself is great and we are here to help you...you have a new family!

  9. xiaoxiao

    xiaoxiao Member

    thank you supermodel and itmahanh for your thoughts and isn't it so true that being truthful about your hopelessness can be intensely threatening to people who have never been there. when i first registered just before xmas and started reading some of the posts, i was astounded at the level of honesty among posters - i had never come across a forum where people were telling it like it really is when you're depressed and hopeless --suicide is such a taboo in society even talking about it is dangerous

    i'm so glad i found this place

    my brother hanged himself in 2002, he was twenty eight, and knowing what it does to those left behind, i promised my father i wouldn't ever go down that path --the thing was, in my mind it was only while my father lived - he is passed on now and it feels as if there is a sense of inevitibility about things. i've run out of options. times up. this is what i mean about feeling like some-one is trying to kill me --the part of me that feels this overwhelming shame and worthlessness

    i do feel better --thank you all of you
  10. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey I hope you are feeling better about things and getting settled in here at SF. It is nice to see you on tonight and I hope you are having a good night/evening.
    Let us know how you are doing when you have a chance, always nice to hear the good news too.
  11. So are you saying then that you want to live?
  12. xiaoxiao

    xiaoxiao Member

    I want the depression to die ---the suicidal impulses have eased now, but they never go away, just nearer or not so nearer the edge - if you know what I mean
  13. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I know what you mean. And it takes so much out of you trying to "live" when your thoughts filling your head are telling you differently. And the depression keeps feeding you so much negative that you cant see anything positive anymore.

    But you are at a point right now where you need to reach out. Find support. It's not hopeless. Because you may be standing on the edge, but you are standing and not falling yet. So take this time use it and find the help that is there. If you have a therapist or doc make an appointment right now. Tell them exactly how you're feeling. Maybe it's time for a med change, or reviewing some coping skills. If you dont have a doc then it's time to find one. And you always have the members that care and understand here to offer support when the support in RL isnt available. Please keep trying. You are stronger than you feel right now. :arms:
  14. xiaoxiao

    xiaoxiao Member

    Just because I've stepped back from the edge doesn't mean I feel any differently. I HAVE run out of options. I really do have nowhere to turn - that's why i'm on this board - It's just a matter of time and like a person with any other terminal illness, I don't try or expect to get better anymore - just try not to die. I've had many doctors, drugs and any other alternative cure you care to name - nothing works.
    I have no family and have been isolated for YEARS and living this way, in virtual solitary confinement is truly the begining of the end. The only option i have is to get it over with but i am a coward so i live a shameful existence when anyone with any pride would have ended it long ago --nothing more
  15. xiaoxiao

    xiaoxiao Member

    Sorry, I know you're only trying to help :sad:
  16. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Please dont say sorry. You have every right to say what you are feeling. And I know how frustrated you must be feeling with your situation. Sort of in the same place right now. Atleast here you have a place to let out how your feeling without worrying about what someone else will think of you. Hang on best you can?
  17. xiaoxiao

    xiaoxiao Member

    Thanx Itmahanh, I really really do appreciate your thoughts. I guess I'm so used to wearing a social mask when talking to people, if I let the 'anti-social' (ie. depressed) me be seen I panic. It is not socially acceptable to be depressed, as we've all learned to our cost. I'm going to hang around the board for a few months and just talk and listen - it's an improvement on my situation and what have i got to lose? - It will probably take a little while for me to feel 'safe' and say what i REALLY mean as I (we) have always been censured for it. I'm learning a lot just by looking around the board - the frankness of some of the comments startles and delights me.
    Itmahanh, there are millions of us around the world living in the twilight zone of chronic depression, perhaps if we huddle together like penguins we'll keep ourselves out of the cold
    :hiding: (just love the smilies on this board)
  18. xiaoxiao

    xiaoxiao Member

    PS. Would you mind telling me a little bit about your situation?
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.