What do you feel the most guilty about?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by AsphyxiateOnWords, Mar 5, 2018.

  1. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    In the show Lucifer, people who go to hell relive the moment in their lives that they they feel the guiltiest about over and over again. This made me start thinking about what I feel the guiltiest about, and it would probably be things I've done to myself. What about you?
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Mine is so bad I can't even speak about it. Never did, never will. BUT I like the topic and looking forward to reading the replies.
    AsphyxiateOnWords likes this.
  3. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    I know what you mean. I don't want to say exactly what mine is either. That's why I was so vague about it. Hopefully one day that will change because it's always continued to torture me.
    Petal likes this.
  4. Drkwoz

    Drkwoz Member

    Most guilty for? Mine is having a son so young that I didn' t pay enough attention to. I was so caught up struggling through life finding my way that I forgot he needed me as much as he did. I thought giving him things he needed and wanted was enough. I thought going to every sport event watching him was showing him how much I love him. I now live with the reality of him being gone due to suicide. I am guilty of being a selfish man and not sharing my true feelings of how deeply I love him
  5. walkerbait95

    walkerbait95 SF Social Media Forum Pro SF Supporter

    You know what, @Drkwoz that's what makes suicides so messed up. All the "what ifs", all the "why", all the "maybes". Could you have done something to prevent your son from doing what he did? Maybe. It's possible. But then maybe it would've just prevented it for a week.. or a year. Might it have offset it completely? Who knows. There's just no way to tell and that's the agony that those of us who have lost the people closest to us live with forever now. It's a real unfortunate thing.
    That being said, I'm sorry to hear about your son. I'm not here because of my own depression. I, too, am here because of the loss of people close to me. If you ever want to talk, feel free to message me. Regards.
  6. walkerbait95

    walkerbait95 SF Social Media Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I feel like this is going to be stupid in comparison to whatever else people post here but... bad parenting.

    I feel like my kid has turned out really great in the personality department. He's a caring guy with a great heart and all that sappy shit but...

    The kid is lazy. He's got no motivation and no drive to do more in life than "hang out" or play games. He works 10 hours a week, barely scrapes by and mooches off people for a living. It's no way to live and I keep thinking he'll get tired of it but that never happens. He never graduated from high school and I've hounded him to go back but it's not in the cards. He just wants to couch surf and screw off.
    He is going to lose his insurance this year and he's an insulin dependent diabetic. The future just looks so bleak! And I hate that for him. I feel bad for not pushing him harder when he was younger because he was depressed (!!) and angsty. I thought I was doing the right thing. Seems as though not and it eats at me.. a lot.
  7. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine.
    You said "was," but sounds to me like he still might be depressed. That's similar to the things I would do when I was younger. I did eventually go get a GED, and go to community, but it felt like it all took so much effort. But my mom would constantly push me to do these things, so I felt like I had to. I even got straight A's in the process, but still felt like I wanted to die on a daily basis.
  8. walkerbait95

    walkerbait95 SF Social Media Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I stand corrected on the sentence structure. You're right. He's still depressed. He has been since he was born practically. He started his first anti depressant at 8 when he told a doctor he wanted to die. It was a one off statement but it landed him a psych appointment - and meds - in the process. He won't take meds anymore, hasn't for many years, but he's been chronically depressed for the entire time. (He's 25 now.)
  9. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Do you really believe that, though? You said that you thought he was lazy, but he can't be both lazy and depressed. Depressed people don't do the things they do out of laziness...more so lack of motivation and a constant feeling of fatigue.
  10. dissolve.

    dissolve. nomad

    I feel guilty about inhibiting my own self in order to serve others and make sure others are OK. Sacrificing myself for people that aren't worth it.
  11. walkerbait95

    walkerbait95 SF Social Media Forum Pro SF Supporter

    You can absolutely be both lazy and depressed. I've been lazy and depressed plenty. They may go hand in hand but certainly one exists with OR without the other.
    He can go out with his friends 5 nights a week, hang out all day long with people but just cannot manage to find a job for more than 10 hours a week even when they're handed to him. Any time he works more than that he says it's "not for him" and bails.
    Grok likes this.
  12. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Hi Walkerbait, mine would be bad parenting too but for different reasons. But someone said to me the other day when I was really down about my kids and wanted to beg their forgiveness, that people have to be themselves ie our adult children. Apologising to others let’s those folk believe things are not their responsibility .. when in reality our adult children’s lives are now their responsibility. If you and I made bad decisions years ago we did so for a reason and that time has gone. They are now their own persons. Does that make sense? As hard as it is for us as parents to watch them either make bad choices or life turn bad for them .. it’s their lives. If your son wants to couch surf he will until he’s good and ready to get off his arse. Saying all this - I read stuff constantly like that - but we still worry!!! Blabbed on ... sorry, just kids are a subject close to my heart x
    Alwayswrong and walkerbait95 like this.
  13. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    I mean, with smaller things I've been lazy. But when it came to bigger things like jobs, I could get one, but couldn't keep it if my life depended on it. I couldn't handle that type of commitment, and the social anxiety didn't help either. I'd do my best to force myself to go into work for about a month or two, and then just couldn't do it anymore and started missing days until I got fired. Been a pattern my whole life and my mom swore it was because I was lazy when in reality merely waking up felt like a chore, let alone going into work. I'm just saying maybe there's more there than meets the eye.
  14. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Hi petal, whatever you did that was so bad to make you feel guilty, I believe you have readdressed in your 100 % support of others on this site. I don’t believe in god, but if there is one you can be pretty damn sure he sees you now as a good person xx
    Lulabelle and DowntheRabbitHole like this.
  15. Cagla

    Cagla Well-Known Member

    Being a loser and being unable to help this
  16. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter

    Being a drunk when my daughter was younger. I will always remember taking her with me on a Sunday morning to the bottle shop and on the way back she had the beers on her lap and one bottle was broken. She didn’t cut herself but that memory haunts me :(

    I think I’ve redeemed myself though because I’ve been mostly sober now since she was about 9, so half her life pretty much.
  17. Charliex8

    Charliex8 SF Creative

    Wow...good question....I feel guilty for just about everything I do (or don't do) so it's pretty hard to pick just one thing....but I guess I feel guilty the most for what I put my family through during my school days...Mostly my mum...She struggled to get me to go from a very early age. I had separation anxiety. She'd drag me to school kicking and crying and then I'd refuse to let her leave me. Following her out of the class...It got better as I grew up but got worse again at secondary school...She would sit with me for hours trying to get me out of the car...It was a daily routine for her....I don't know how she coped....I regret it every day even though I know I had no control over my body and thoughts...I often wonder whether I tried hard enough...Could I have managed my emotions differently? I don't know...but I do know I'll never stop feeling guilty for what I put my mum through all those years...
    AsphyxiateOnWords likes this.
  18. theedda

    theedda Well-Known Member

    The funny thing is, the thing I felt most guilty about for a while was actually something I didn't even do. It's super vague to put it like this, and probably leaves the wrong impression of what it actually was, but I was basically accused of something terrible when I was 16. I still can't bring myself to talk about the details for fear that people won't believe me, even though, funny thing is, I found out years later the accusation wasn't even serious, and was basically a scheme to get money out of people. I knew I'd never do something like that in reality, wouldn't even have the moral capacity for it, but it seriously fucked me up for years. I never tested for it, but I even developed some symptoms of PTSD, which, thankfully are mostly gone since I learned the nature of what was really going on.

    The other thing is how I treated a friend of mine a year and a half ago. I was very manipulative and difficult without even realising it. And then she suddenly left for good one day. I keep worrying something like that will happen again, so I have this constant paranoia and guilt about my friends. It's probably why I post about such things so much on this forum, because I tend to try and repress my feelings and avoid saying anything about such things to my friends directly, so I let it out here.
  19. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    I had separation anxiety when I was younger too. But my mom didn't really give a fuck. She'd make me feel like shit about feeling the way I felt. It's good that your mom cared at least, but you still don't deserve to feel guilty about this because, like you said, you couldn't control it. Have you ever thought about what brought on the separation anxiety? For me, it was because the rest of my family were even bigger dicks than my mom, and her leaving me alone with them meant feeling like shit. Or if she left me by myself, I'd be scared that something would happen, like a car accident, and I'd never see her again. And then I'd have to fend for myself, while having no one else who gave much of a fuck at all.
  20. DowntheRabbitHole

    DowntheRabbitHole Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you lost your son. I am sending you hugs if wanted. :)