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What do you feel the most guilty about?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by AsphyxiateOnWords, Mar 5, 2018.

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  1. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    There’s a boy out there. He’s 17 now, and he’s probably my son. His mother spent a lot more nights with me than with the other guy, at least. But, when she found out she was pregnant, she ran off and married him because he was the more stable choice. Turns out that here in CA, if a woman is married when she gives birth, then only she or the husband can challenge his paternity in court. So I fought with her for three years for the chance to know him. I tried every argument I could think of to convince her. She gave me one day with him. Eventually I realized that if I kept trying all I would accomplish would be to tear apart the only family he knew. So I gave up. I think it was the right decision. I’ve fucked my life up in pretty spectacular fashion and probably would have done the same to his. But I hate myself for it to this day, and I think I always will.
     
  2. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter

    Sorry, but I laughed to myself about your choice of words here ;)

    I got sent to some childcare place so my mother could work *mutter* and apparently when she left I’d just sit there looking mortified. I think I was actually plotting her demise from a young age haha.
     
    AsphyxiateOnWords likes this.
  3. Does the other guy know you could be the father?
     
  4. DowntheRabbitHole

    DowntheRabbitHole SF Supporter

    This is NOT stupid. I have so much guilt about my parenting too. I am a single mom of 4 and I raised them completely on my own.
    I had to work so many hours that it was almost like I wasn't even there. My eldest daughter was my "right hand man" and the guilt I feel about robbing her of her childhood is very painful.
    I've been told that you do the best with the tools you have at the time and people continue to grow and change. Don't beat yourself up over this please.
    :D
     
    Walker likes this.
  5. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    Yes.
     
  6. Good to hear it doesn't go unnoticed, lol.

    Nice! Smart kid, you were. I wish I could tell 10-year-old me, "Fuck her. You'll be wanting to be the cause of that car accident later on in life."
     
    gypsylee likes this.
  7. And he doesn't give a fuck? Or just doesn't want to mess with the kid's head? Or prefers to be in the dark in case he is yours?

    When you saw the kid, did he look like you at all?
     
  8. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    I think it’s a combination of the latter two. He denies the possibility, but he also knew that she and I were still together when she started sleeping with him.

    He did. But his mother and I look similar enough that people used to comment on it, saying it was creepy that we were together because we looked related. So he could just take after her.
     
  9. Well, when he is 18, you could always try to reach out. If it were me, I think I'd want to know even if I was perfectly happy with my life.
     
  10. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    I’ve considered the possibility. Maybe not right at 18. Maybe once I’ve got my life in some kind of order. TBH, the way I am now, the only way I can see him reacting would be with shame and disgust. And he wouldn’t be wrong. Maybe someday, if I can become someone worth knowing.
     
  11. I think you might be projecting your own feelings about it onto him due to fear. Not everyone would react that way regardless of how successful you were, especially if you explained it to them. Besides, at 18, he's gotta start thinking about what he wants to do to be successful in his own life. He doesn't really need you to provide at that point. He's going to simply want to get to know you as a person.
     
  12. Charliex8

    Charliex8 SF Creative

    My mum used to joke that I had Separation Anxiety from before I was even born. I was 2 weeks late and still didn't want to leave the safety of her belly! lol But I don't really know where it came from...I guess I was just so afraid of other people...I don't know where my fear of people came from either...That must have sucked to be so attached to someone who didn't care...A lot of doctors I've seen have wondered if my mum was too caring! I don't know about that but I do sometimes wish she wasn't...It might make the guilt easier to handle....
     
  13. Why do you say you don't know about that? You mention being afraid oof people, do you have social anxiety?
     
  14. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    I was the biggest “Dick” of all. I wish I knew how old you were @AsphyxiateOnWords .... then I could possibly begin to see the shit I left with my kids. I am so sorry
     
    AsphyxiateOnWords likes this.
  15. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Hi
    Hi @Charliex8, can I ask whether you know what caused or causes your separation anxiety? I don’t know your back story so forgive me if you have already posted this
     
  16. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Hi asphyxiateOnWords can I ask if it’s not too personal what caused your separation anxiety
     
    AsphyxiateOnWords likes this.
  17. Charliex8

    Charliex8 SF Creative

    Yep, I have social anxiety :( Had it for as long as I can remember. I have 5 people in the whole world I feel comfortable with (all family members) anyone else is lucky to hear even a single word from me.

    I guess I just can't see how someone can care too much...and I don't like the idea of all my problems being my mum's fault. That's all on me.

    I can only guess my social anxiety is the cause...being nervous around others, making me want to cling to someone comforting (my mum mostly) though where my social anxiety came from is a complete mystery to me...
     
    Winter Blues likes this.
  18. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter


    I don’t know your story Gonz but this story about your son makes me sad. He has a right, regardless of what his mother or the other guy think, to know who his father is and I don’t think there is a kid in the world who wouldn’t want to have the chance to know the truth. How they deal with it is up to them and you would have to be prepared for that. But you too have a right and it obviously plays on your heart. If I were you, once he is a legal adult - when you are ready - get in touch. Do not be ashamed or sorry for what you feel you are or how he will see yiu. Yiu have carried his name in yiur heart for all these years. You could be his dad - that’s someone worth knowing. . Be strong please xxx
     
  19. I'm 28. I had separation anxiety up until about 12. And the social anxiety began at a very young age, as long as I can remember to be honest.

    The separation anxiety was probably because I hated my mom leaving me alone with the rest of my family, as well as being afraid of people in general, and something bad possibly happening to my mom. My dick of a brother constantly bullied me, and my grandmother molested me at 13. It was after this event that it seems I transferred that separation anxiety to the fear of abandonment in my romantic relationships.
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2018
  20. Drkwoz

    Drkwoz Member

    Thank you so much. Hugs are appreciated.
     
    DowntheRabbitHole likes this.
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