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What do you feel the most guilty about?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by AsphyxiateOnWords, Mar 5, 2018.

  1. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Hi Asphyxiate, 28 and all that pain and yet you still find so much love in your heart to support and care for others. Your family should in truth be so proud of you. You are a very special person and have helped me more than you will know. Take care please and thank you xxx
     
    AsphyxiateOnWords and Walker like this.
  2. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step. Chat Pro SF Supporter

    Living. Being. Existing.
     
  3. Mandar

    Mandar Well-Known Member

    Being born
     
  4. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    Not having joined my wife yet.
     
  5. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Not doing anything important with my life.
     
  6. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    No, Gonz. There's no "joining her". There's just dying.
    If the roles were reversed would you want her to kill herself to "be with you"? Or would you want her to live a good life and make the best of things?
    It's ok to smile again. It's ok to laugh. I promise. It's ok to date again when you're ready. Seriously, it is. It's ok to live your life. You aren't a martyr. You aren't a saint. You don't get grief points. You're just trying to live your life and be a happy guy again. Your wife would want that for you.. and you deserve it.
     
    Winter Blues likes this.
  7. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    I feel like there are a thousand people just on this site that would say the same thing to this one. Is that your biggest regret though? God. We're just humans. We're just grains of sand in this big dumb world in a universe that's so expansive we can't even fathom it yet we all wanna make a difference. Truth is, we just have to make tiny smudges in our own ways. Buy someone a tank of gas one day and see what a huge difference in their life it makes for the moment. (I look for a young girl with a baby seat in the back because I'm a sexist a-hole) Making a difference and doing important things are generally SMALL because we're not out there curing cancer or taking a stand on something on capital hill. But you DO make a difference here in this teeny tiny hole of the internet and I just bet that you make a difference in your place as well - your house, your neighborhood, your workplace, your city, whatever it is. You are important even though you FEEL like you're not "doing anything important". You're valued in an immeasurable way.
     
    Witty_Sarcasm likes this.
  8. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Thank you :) Sometimes it's just hard to see that my life holds any importance at all. But I'm sure it does, at least even to a few people.
     
  9. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    That's what I'm saying. None of us are out there doing freaking amazing and fantastical things. That's like .001% of the population yet that's what we're all striving for. Give yourself a break. You work on your tiny corner of the universe. Your little grain of sand and see how far that gets you and how good that makes you feel. Your importance is greater than it seems! But also infinitesimal as related to some other __fill in the blank__ that you could go up against so no need to be anyone other than YOU. You're doing your best and being the best YOU that can be and that's plenty.
     
  10. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    Eh, I’ve kind of made peace with the fact that I’m not ever really going to be happy again. I can live with that. I’m really just sticking around until there’s no one left who’d be hurt by my death, then I’m fuckin’ outta here. I’d like to get to the point where I can function somewhat, just so I can stop worrying them, but that’s about it.

    And I’m kinda hesitant to say this, because you’re a really kindhearted guy and you’ve given me a lot of encouragement in the short time I’ve been here and I really value that. So I’m kind of afraid of coming across as an asshole who is ungrateful for the support you’re offering. That’s not the case. I mean, I am kind of an asshole, but not an ungrateful one. But please don’t suggest that I date again. I’m sorry, I know you’re trying to help. And, for a lot of people, that would be something worth thinking about. But for me, well, it’s not much different than if someone were to make that suggestion while she was still alive. Sorry.

    You’re right. I’m not a martyr or a saint. But I am hers and, in my entire life, that’s the only worthwhile thing I’ve ever been. I’m not about to quit now.

    I’m not religious. I’d call myself optimistically agnostic, I guess. I figure there’s two options; either there is some sort of afterlife where we have a chance to be together again, or just nothing and we cease to exist entirely. Either way is better than this. As for what she would want; either she no longer exists, in which case her wants don’t really matter anymore, or she’s waiting for me, in which case she’s welcome to tell me herself how I fucked up.
     
    AsphyxiateOnWords likes this.
  11. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    I don't think you're an asshole at all, @Gonz I sure do think you're a kick ass guy and hope that you find some peace before you find that there are no people to be bothered by your death. That point likely won't come, really, but we're all balancing that - how much will they hurt vs how much do we hurt. I didn't mean to offend by saying "when you date again", I meant "if you wanted to later" type thing. Anyhow, you hang in there. Keep posting. I like having you around here and you're an asset to the site. See you around soon.
     
    Gonz likes this.
  12. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords Eρεβος/Νύξ

    I feel you, I really do. If my husband were to die, I wouldn't move on either. Maybe for a while if we had a kid, but if not, then it wouldn't even be in question. He told me he would want me to stick around. I told him, "sorry, but I won't. I can't." I said, "if I die, and you can stay, be my guest because I won't be around for it to hurt me in any way. But please don't ask me to because I can't give you that."
     
    Gonz likes this.
  13. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    Yeah, that’s exactly what it is. Balancing. I knew a couple of people who died by suicide. Not people I was close to, but I was close to peo0le who were close to them, you know? And I saw what it did to the people they’d left behind. And it made me ashamed of my past attempt. That’s what I keep coming back to whenever I consider it. Sometimes I get to a point where I almost don’t care anymore, but so far I’ve always swung back the other way.
     
    Walker likes this.
  14. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I think you probably do get it. I’ve seen the way you talk about him. Especially the way you worry about him. A lot of people, when they talk about their partners, it feels more like a business arrangement than a marriage. Or what a marriage should be anyway. Like they’re just partnering up because that’s what they’re supposed to do and anyone could fit into that position as long as they had the right qualifications. You don’t sound like that when you talk about him; you sound like you need him.
     
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  15. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Living today while my child is in pain
     
    JD4010 likes this.
  16. JD4010

    JD4010 Well-Known Member

    Wow. That is the absolute worst. My daughter is now 23. I feel guilty about not being a better dad to her as she was growing up. I did what I could though. It made me realize that my own biological father was depressed back when I was growing up. He up and left one day when I was 10. I actually understand why he did it and hold no ill feelings towards him. We got to be friends when I was older.
     
  17. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Hi JD I can understand how you feel - I think I did what I could under the circumstances I was in, but watching my children struggle in adult life I can’t help but feel I should take the blame. My dad emotionally abused me and I know he coloured my character if only my need to survive. I must have affected theirs. I am so glad to hear you became close to your dad - hope for me yet. Hugs x
     
    JD4010 likes this.
  18. Lulabelle

    Lulabelle SF Supporter

    The pain I cause to the people I love.
     
    JD4010 likes this.
  19. JD4010

    JD4010 Well-Known Member

    I have screwed up so much of my life...relationships, work, you name it. I've hurt several people badly--not intentionally, but they were hurt. There are times when I think that the world would be far better off without me.
     
  20. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Never!! Hold in there JD, please. Stay safe and sending you a special hug x