I haven't been here in a while... I've been so tired, so many ups and downs... Recently the job center sent me to a place that is supposed to help me find a job, and first and foremost be ready to get one and even find one. It's a roller coaster. I go twice a week, and today I had a meeting with one of their coaches. Yesterday was pretty good, during the class us 'students' were asked to tell about a situation we thought we couldn't handle, but we ended up succeeding with. I told the story about being PA for the Irish performers at the Eurovision... and the coach/teacher started to list all the skills I had used, she then added some more she had observed about me, so did the other students... they filled the entire whiteboard with positive words about me (this was also done about other students). The teacher even looked at me and said "you're creative, right?". That's true, I am. When she's not working with unemployed people she both works with managers and talent development. All good, and all that... She is insisting on reading my most read story on AO3. but I am VERY reluctant to send it to her. She was impressed to hear I had 15000 views... but darn it, it's a lesbian BDSM story. And no, it's not my best work. But... here is the reason why I'm posting this in the 'let it all out' section... I had a meeting with that teacher today (who again insisted on getting a link to the story, even if I said it's not exactly sober...). The talk went okay, she gave me some good ideas and we talked about how I struggle with my past, and low confidence etc. How I sometimes start to see my abilities, and the next minute I feel like I can't do anything right... all the bullying and crap... I didn't tell her the full story though. During the talk I also mentioned that I was hoping for a career I could use abroad, namely The Netherlands, where my boyfriend lives. When I also briefly mentioned he had brain damage she told me that maybe it was not good for me to be in a relationship with him... starting to list all sorts of problems and how awful it would be to live with 'someone like that'. WHAT THE HELL? My boyfriend is brain damaged yes, sure. But he's so damn amazing. He's there for me when I need him (not right now though, he's away until the 14th and I can't get in touch with him). He build my confidence up so much, he's my rock. Yes, I am there for him if he needs me, Yes I worry when he's ill, yes I do help him remember things. But no, I am not his carer! He's a grown man who lives with his difficulties. He sometimes struggles to remember things (while he even knows how I like my coffee!) and he can't do more than one task at a time. He also struggles a little with his speech (he lost his speech after his accident and only got it back a few years back). Does that make him less of a boyfriend?? She never even gave me a chance to explain what his brain damage was like I've been abused, raped, beat, hurt and attacked... and you want to warn me about him? And... dammit. I miss him. I haven't been in touch with him since Friday. I love him. I have another class there tomorrow... I am just not up for going at all. Other than that woman, one of my classmates is a man who makes the most rude and weird comments every time someone tries to speak. I just... ugh. I can't deal with that. I also have another reason not to go... I got new shoes recently, it was an early Christmas present from my family. They all chipped in to get me some that are 'orthopedic-wise correct' or what ever... I need shoes like that for my sick back and hips. How I envy women in heels and pretty shoes. At least these look like cute Mary Janes... mum threw out my old shoes that were so full of holes and completely worn down. But the new shoes catch on my heels. They have turned my heels into a murder scene now, despite bandages, layers of socks... So yeah... but if I do call in sick I'll probably blame it on my back. The shoe excuse is too weird I guess. Just... Blah. I'm pissed off.