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What do you suggest

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My ex, who i was engaged to for 4 years, before she called it off, and who I've been seeing on an on off relationship for the last 3 years is just started seeing some new bloke. What do you suggest I should do next weekend to take my mind off of the thought of the two of them together.

I go from feeling rational about this, she has to move on live her life etc etc, to total anger and jealousy and just general pain and despair. I'm dreading next weekend already, I know it sounds pathetic, I can't face the thought of her with someone else. We came to an arrangement over the weekend where we wouldn't see each other or contact each other so much, as it's not healthy, plus she obviously wants to do whatever with her new flame.

I think about it all the time, I don't want to think about it, I'm drinking every night and taking a certain brand of relaxants and it helped at first last week but it's not doing it so well now. I just don't want to be here any more, i can't face the thought of her being happy with someone else, I'm definitely not fucking happy.

This is a serious question as I don't know how or if I'm going to get through it, i don't really want to get through it I just want the pain to stop. I went for a walk on a beach today and all I saw were couples holding hands, families out with their dogs etc etc, i just started crying and had to head back to the car. I'm crying every now and then through the day, it's really difficult, i'm so restless, i can't listen to music, read books or anything. My moods are all over the place, and to top it all the thought of them together next week is tearing me apart.
I know how hard it is when ur so in love and u cant b with that person. And i also kno how hard it is to keep ur mind off it. She is obviously moving on, so now u need to make the decision that u will move on aswell! As hard as it is, u have to keep urself busy! I find the best thing to do is spend time with friends. Dont let this hold u back from being happy, dont b scared to go out and meet new people!


I know how hard it is when ur so in love and u cant b with that person. And i also kno how hard it is to keep ur mind off it. She is obviously moving on, so now u need to make the decision that u will move on aswell! As hard as it is, u have to keep urself busy! I find the best thing to do is spend time with friends. Dont let this hold u back from being happy, dont b scared to go out and meet new people!
What you say makes perfect sense, you know what it's like though easier giving advice than taking it:biggrin: The reason I'm under moderation is because of the rage I felt earlier last week when she'd met this new person the weekend I'd actually been staying with her. It's not her fault or this new persons fault, but I'm flicking from feeling like hurting him, which is ridiculous, and just wanting her to be happy.

It sounds petty and pathetic but the thought of them making love makes me cry and the thought of them falling in love is destroying me. Spring is here and it should be a beautiful time of year and all i think is that it'll help them fall in love more easily. My best friend died last year and i've not got many other friends, especially ones I can moan to like this, I feel so sorry for myself and down. I love her and want her to be happy, but i wanted that to with her. I don't want to be around to see her be happy with someone new.
I know the feeling! The thought of my ex being with anyone else makes me literally sick in the stomach. It doesnt sound pathetic that it makes u so upset to think of her with this other guy, it just proves how much u love her!
But remember that u can love again, she isnt the only person who wil ever love u. If u guys r meant to b it will eventually work out, if not u will end up with someone who can make u even happier cause they will love u just as much as u love them!


I feel like i've made my mind up really, we agreed to have a 2 month break from seeing each other, as I would like to be her friend, but during these two months she's going to be with this other person. I don't want to kill myself and spoil it for them, although it would probably bring them closer together anyway, but then again the way I was feeling today I don't think i can last very much longer let alone two months.


Staff Alumni
It doesnt sound pathetic at all. It can really eat away at you, but you both have to do what is best for both of you. It looks like she is set to move on and you should "try" and do the same. Id suggest doing something really active next weekend, something where your not even thinking....instinctive, something physical..


I think i've turned to the 'dark side' again now :laugh: as really I don't know who this person is but I fucking loathe him like you wouldn't believe. Thankyou for all of your sensible advice, i'll have to stop typing now as i'm just feeling mad, i've just sent my ex an email explaining what I think of her new 'whatever' she never has told me his name. It's ridiculous, you go from feeling calm and rational one minute and the next a total loon, or perhaps that's just me.
Love obviously doesn't 'conquer all'

I'm 5 months into a near identical circumstance, and regularly went through all you've described.

I could never have anticipated the profundity of suffering nor the seemingly neverending lanslide of mental cruelties I'd be haunted with, by her simply forsaking me for a stranger.

It's truely the worst of all calamities.

I can no longer believe in the permanent union of any two people or that there's a God.
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Well-Known Member
She wants to have her cake and eat it too. My theory has always been : You can't be (truly) mad at the person she is with (even if she is actually cheating, which you claim she isn't) because, well, wouldn't YOU be with her if she was with some guy you didn't know? HE owes you NOTHING. On the other hand, SHE does; maybe not fidelity (as you have broken up), but friendship at LEAST. And I'm sorry to say, a friend would not string you along by having sex with you (all the while knowing how much you care about her, if you've told her) and then make you sit on the sidelines whilst she gets busy with someone else. I know from so much experience that you will love again, but it won't happen until you REALLY let her go. The 2 month break is a fantastic idea, but it should be a TOTAL break...no phone calls, emails, etc. You will find someone who would rather DIE than fuck things up with you, and then you will experience TRUE MUTUAL LOVE. Trust me. This is the ONLY love worth fighting for :)


This sounds horrible! The pain doesn't seem to be going away either for you or for me, and I'm worried about this alot. I can't say much more about it now, because I'm about to break more, and I can't, other than to say this pain better end, and soon.


Thank you for all of your comments, they have helped me a lot. There's no easy way out of it, or to escape the feelings of hurt/anger/despair and to escape the imagination and the reality of what my ex and her new flame are up to at certain times. It's like self torture, it really is. I've come so close to doing something to myself that it really did scare me, there was a note left on my PC, I'd started writing notes, when I thought is this really what I want. To make her suffer, my family suffer, and to make her suffer for finding someone new, even though I feel my life is unbearable at the moment. Also the feelings, now and then, of wanting to hurt this person, it's not his fault, he just wants to fall in love like everyone else. When I'm feeling rational like I am at the moment I can cope, it's when you get little snippets of info, or you imagine things, see something on the TV, 2 people kissing intimately on the TV had me in floods of tears, I can't listen to the radio or music as that'll send me off.

I dragged my sorry backside to Karate last night, on my own to see new people, it may not sound like a big step but it felt like one, and it did help I think. I'm going to a different class tonight. I'll always love this person, perhaps things will get too much for me in the future again, but I've got to at least try a bit more at life, surely I'm worth more than that, as we all are.

Life goes on, and it's true, people would be said if I killed myself, but they'd get over it, my ex would carry on and either stay with this bloke or meet someone else, christ my death would probably bring them even closer together as he could help her get over it, and I'd be consigned to history. Perhaps I'm just having a good day and will look back on these words tomorrow, next week, next month with cynicism, that's the thing with mood swings I suppose. Love is the most wonderful thing in the world but can also be a devastating/debilitating curse.

Anyway thank you again for all of your comments
Eventually (after a couple of meetings, lengthy phone calls and much cathartic writing) I stopped loving and respecting her; and can once more fantasise about other women.

It's the recurring snub simulations I'd like to overcome - whenever bored.
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Tonight I did 'Free form martial arts' beginners obviously, had a chat with a nice girl there as well. Love hey, who came up with all that stuff anyway, surely life's complicated enough without that as well :biggrin:


I've been to 4 classes of martial arts this week, and i'm going to another one tonight. There aren't enough activities in the world to stop me feeling really bad an thinking about the person I love being with someone else. What makes it worse is that it's going to be a lovely sunny weekend here, so I can just imagine the walks etc, etc they'll be going on. I don't want to die but at the same time i don't want to live either, I'm a total fucking mess.
U should b proud of urself for making the effort to get out and keep urself busy. I kno how hard it is to make that decision, its a very important one! U should never make the decision to end ur life because of somebody else. She may have broken ur heart, u may still love her, and i kno it seems like the end of the world that she is with someone else...but u need to stop resting ur whole existence on this person who doesnt seem to care enough about u. Ive been there so i kno how hard it is, but sometimes we just have to bite the bullet and move on.
Stay busy and take care!


I went to see her today, she agreed to see me, it's like i need to twist the knife in myself for some strange reason. She'll be with him tonight, he's 40 which is 4 years older than me, i asked her if she was looking for a father figure.

I just don't get any of it, in a way I feel she has ruined my life, i know it's up to you to sort things out, but i've had two major knockbacks from her in the last 7 years at crucial times. I pre-planned my funeral last week and have started boxing things up, i'm not sure what i'm doing really i'm really confused about everything.

In a way i'd like to hurt this new person, it's not his fault, but in a sick way I feel like hurting him and then killing myself to really make her suffer. It's not rational and I suppose it's better to think these things than to carry them out. I wouldn't hurt him, i don't even know who it is. I think i'm very unwell though and have been since i found out about all of this at the end of February.

My friend has had two members of her huge extended family kill themselves in the last week, when i planned my own funeral i actually felt good, because i felt in control of things for the first time in a long long time. I'm a very lonely person, the one close person I had has a new relationship, and i can't talk the same to her now without bitterness and resentment creeping in.

I'm trying to keep busy, but it feels like it's just a distraction from what is really happening in life.
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