What do you think??? Advice/comments please...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by DenverChris, Jul 26, 2010.

  1. DenverChris

    DenverChris Member

    I would appreciate some comments, insight, thoughts... whatever, about my situation. I have nobody to talk to about this...

    My girlfriend, of 2 1/2 years, on & off, was hanging out with me yesterday... We met up at 6:00 when she was off work, then ate, had a few drinks, and were having a nice time... About 1:00 or 1:30 a.m. I started to get tired, and suggested we go home. She usually spends the night at my place. I was looking forward to spending time with her in private... But, she got a call from a friend of hers- a guy- and left to go hang out with him. She swears shes just friends with him- and I believe her, I guess. But, I've told her numerous times that her doing that, or things like that, bugs me, makes me uncomfortable, makes me sad, whatever... Obviously tho, she continues to do it... Even after saying that if the shoe was on the other foot, she herself would not like it...

    So, my question is....

    Am I over-reacting here???

    Am I unreasonable to feel uncomfortable about her bailing on me to go get more drunk with another guy... even tho hes just a friend???

    Am I being silly???

    I dont think I'm being silly, btw... Which is the whole problem. This isnt a girl that I've been casually seeing for a few weeks. Weve been in a serious relationship for a while... even tho its on-again/off-again occasionally. I guess I think the problem is that I dont like this situation, I dont think I'm being unreasonable, but... I love her and really cant see myself NOT being with her. Shes great, other than this, and the rest of our relationship is pretty solid.

    So, sorry to ramble. I understand that in the big scheme of things, this is a minor problem, and I feel kinda whiny posting here. Nonetheless, its really eating me up, and I would greatly appreciate some advice.

    Thanks, fellow sf'ers.....
  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Right, on the one hand, I understand where your coming from. Insecurities and what not.
    But on the other hand, she has to have her own space/life/freedom/friends. No matter what their sex is.
    You said it yourself, this is not someone youve just seen for a few weeks, its been 2 1/2 years.. which means its serious. Why would she go jeopardise that?
    If she wants to hang out with other people then let her.
    IMO its only a problem if she spends NO time with you and all the time with her firends.
  3. lionsheart

    lionsheart Member

    I understand you. Many people would try to write positive comments, but I think that you should talk to her once again. It's obvious that she needs to have friends and a social life, but I don't see why she prefer to go out with the other guy, instead of being with you.

    I wish you the best
  4. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Hi Chris,

    I can completely understand where you're coming from, but I personally do not think you have anything to worry about. Don't forget how easy it is for girls to have male friends who are never anything more than that.

    My best friend is a bloke, and if he lived nearer we would live in each other's pockets, even though I (sort of) have a boyfriend. When I go and stay with my friend we share a bed, but nothing would ever happen between us because it's such a platonic relationship. However, the guy I'm seeing doesn't know all this yet, because I know it would bug him and maybe make him paranoid or jealous. And there's no need for him to worry, see? I hope I'm making sense here. Over time, assuming things go well with this bloke I'm seeing, he will find out how close I am to my friend, and it may upset him, and I will have to convince him that he has nothing to worry about.

    As you have been in a relationship with this girl for quite a while, I think you have to trust her. I can understand that it's difficult and I wouldn't say you're over-reacting, but I think it's unreasonable to ask her to change her friendship with this guy. Be honest - if it was a girl she was seeing it wouldn't bother you, would it? Even if she went at 1am to get drunk with her.

    I hope this has helped a bit.

  5. ema

    ema Antiquities Friend

    Well, I'm in a similar situation, kind of.

    My husband starting making all these new friends and some are female. One in particular he will just take off work for and go see her after work. He doesn't do stuff like that for me. He just drove to California for her, to take her art work out to comic con becase she was flying. I got to stay home because he said he would have more fun without me.

    This has been going on for almost 8 months. It's not an affair, but it hurts. He just up and goes with her and leaves me home like a dirty dishrag.

    I finally got a car for myself and am trying to figure things out.

    But, I understand how you feel. Talk to her and tell her it really bothers you. If she won't listen, you probably have to do what I am doing....thinking about starting over.

    A friendship is fine, but when it starts to hurt your partner, it's not.
  6. DenverChris

    DenverChris Member

    Thanks for the advice, everyone... It was helpful, as it was helpful for me to vent, sort of... I talked to her in depth about it the next day. I understand her need to have friends, and I have no problem with that. But, to me, it seemed that under the circumstances, it was really like she was just 'hanging out with her friends'... to me, it seemed different, due to the late hour, the fact we had been hanging out together all night, and that we even went back to my apt. The f'ed up thing is, is that she actually told me that she would be uncomfortable if I were to do the same thing... To which I replied, I wouldnt even think of doing something like that, if I thought it'd hurt her feelings, make her uncomfortable, or whatever. The whole situation just sucks... Now we're not talking... as I told her I wasnt really comfortable with the whole situation... Aaaaggghhh!:grr::grr:

    Anyways, thanks again, guys & gals...
  7. ema

    ema Antiquities Friend

    It's good you talked. Sorry it ended the way it did. Better to be honest and take care of yourself, though, than to feel used.

  8. DenverChris

    DenverChris Member

    ^^^^^ Thanks... I agree with you 100%. I guess Im just trying to rationalize things in my head. I really like her alot, so I feel like I put up with things that maybe I shouldnt have to. Obviously, this isnt the ONLY thibg thats happened in the past few years... it was just the most recent, and overall pretty indicative of the way things are. To top it off, I'm near deathl afraid to be alone. Kinda embarassing to admit, and definitely not that cool. But... that just so happens to be the way I feel...

    Thanks again, guys & gals...:reub:
  9. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    I hope this comes out right...

    You say that you like this girl a lot, but you also admit that you're afraid to be alone (don't be embarrassed, I think many people are), so is it possible that you're willing to put up with these things not because you like her but because you don't want to lose her? Am I making sense?

    As I say, many people are scared to be on their own and think they can't cope, and perhaps even define themselves by their girlfriend/boyfriend. But it can't be healthy to stay with someone who makes you unhappy. You deserve to be happy.

    I'm not trying to talk you into splitting up with her or anything, as this is a serious relationship and shouldn't be dismissed easily. I just think you need to evaluate your intentions and what you want from this relationship, and she should do the same if possible. I just think you should decide if this is healthy for either of you.