what do you think is the reason you are still alive ?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by acecoffee, May 25, 2012.

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  1. acecoffee

    acecoffee Active Member

    i was asked this question today by the home treatment team and my doctor (suprisingly both in the same day )
    my doctor think it is because i still love my family and i want to 'hang on' for them .

    but to be honest , i think the only reason i m here is because i dont think i had find the 'good way' to end it yet.
    i had many OD , cutting ,or other suicide attampt , but none of them work. .

    I am not scared that it work and i killed myself ,even with pains or agnony .
    but i m scared that after it i woke up and still feel how i was ,notice i fail once again and have to face the gossip between the relative as well as seeing how i m becoming more of a burden then i m now to those who love me and those who i love.

    if i got a 100% way to making sure it would work and dont have problem reaching for it , i prob would have go for it .....

    what about you guys ?
     
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Hoping that my future will be better than my present...that's what keeps me going right now.
     
  3. anotherearthplease27

    anotherearthplease27 Well-Known Member

    I told my therapist, once, that I really don't want to die...just didn't want to be living the life i've been living....maybe that there might be a different life out there for me,made me want to live?

    the above is what i believe in my happy moments

    my not so happy moments...i think i am just too much of a coward to die...
     
  4. brainstorm

    brainstorm Well-Known Member

    Yep, that's my reason too: I'm hanging on for my family.

    Even though a big part of my issues comes from having seen my mother in the depths of a massive depression where she hung on to me, her only child aged 3 at the time, and piled her problems on top of me at the same time as she took me away from my father's life, heck, despite all this, I can't put them through something like that again.

    She loved me as best as she could, because she was also wounded. It wasn't enough, and at the same time, it was too much. But I love her, she is human and failing, just like me.

    At least for now, that has kept me anchored to life. If I reach 40 and still haven't been able to be kissed (figurately - I want a relationship), I dunno.
     
  5. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I love the challenge and im not one to give up easy on things.Suicide is final thats it no more challenge boring.Even though ive been through alot of shit and still dealing with heaps im also learning and becoming stronger within myself on the way.Been a tough journey yet what i learn i also can pass on and that is huge.
     
  6. red ribbons

    red ribbons Well-Known Member

    I have no idea. My family dumped me years ago, friends dumped me after my divorce, cancer, and husband's suicide. It has only made me more depressed that no one wants me in their life. I'm useless to people, I've lost everything financially. There really is no point in going on. I gave and gave and gave to life, and it took all I had. Maybe I'm just curious to see what happens to the people that have treated me so shabbily. Maybe I'm hoping in the end they find out what real life is and suffer like I have. I live in complete isolation after all the trauma I have been through in my life. I've reached out to people. They do not reach back unless there is something they can get out of you.
     
  7. BrinkOfExistence

    BrinkOfExistence Well-Known Member

    This is my life and i won't give it up without a fight.

    I spent many years waiting for something to happen and it never did, i had to lose literally everything before i figured what i wanted to do and for the first time in my life i did something about it and after several months of persuiting what i wanted, i took the first step last month, however i don't want to jinx it, so i'm not gonna talk about it. But i'll say this, don't hope or wait something or someone to come along and make your life better, it's incredibly rare for that to happen to someone, instead do something about, only you can really change your life. I remember i used to chat on another forum, there was this girl who would constantly tell people, 'your life is what you make it' well something like that, anyway i used to think she was talking a load a shit and i told her that plently of times, now i realise how right she was.

    I know alot of people are going to think i'm talking shit, i am however only speaking from experience and this is what i merely believe.
     
  8. I've asked myself this question a hundred times. I know I died. It was a big secret for years. The adults told me "Boy you came real close." I can remember a veil being pulled back a few minutes after the shot. <A self inflicted GSW through the chest at age 16>. My life flashed forward a symptom of a NDE. Due to the sucking chest wound and the hypovolemic shock <circulation collapse due to blood loss> it was very difficult to move.

    When I woke up in the ICU; I asked why I could not open my left eye. They said due to the trauma of me dragging myself out of the woods I ripped my eye open. I could barely move. Something was interacting with me from the other side of that veil. It grabbed someone a half a mile away and had them come down and find me. We lived in a very rural area and not uncommon to hear routine sportsmen target practicing or hunting; so my gun shot was no cause for alarm.

    I've lived with an incredible depression sense that day. The violent memories I could never talk about. I was yanked out of counseling a year after...I was told to "own" my shooting. The PTSD has nearly ruined my life. I only manage it by reducing my stress. Why I had 4 or 5 jobs a year. My first wife left me; and was homeless. I've lost friends..I was afraid for over 20 years to tell anyone of my shooting. I told them it was an accident. It's been a lonely life. The PTSD is getting worse; it needs to be treated in a timely manner. I didn't know I had it until last year. I can remember 5,10. 15 years just smelling gun powder, blood in my mouth for no reason. Or just break down and start crying. Had almost no friends because I never trusted anyone for me to be open with. People would tell me where to insert the muzzle of the gun next time; you know, just in case you want to try again. What I battle; I know what's on the other side. The after effects of my shooting have caused me more damage than the reason why I shot myself. There still remains the voice in my head: F/N do it!! Something was taunting me that night. I was sober. It felt like the trees were taunting me; when the shot went off...that voice that was taunting me was satisfied I pushed the trigger. I had that moment of regret; that is why I never went back to that place. I would never give up; I would never give up on myself. So, I manage my PTSD, try and surround myself with compassionate people and find places like this.
     
  9. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I just haven't attempted yet.
    I'm trying to win a lottery. I seriously would be ok with living if I can win $500,000 or more. Would eradicate all the problems with my mom- as I could get away from her then- big load off my shoulders. I think I have between now and early March 2013 for that to happen. But if it doesn't I am absolutely killing myself.
     
  10. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    Its getting harder and harder to justify living that much I know.
     
  11. Gimiq

    Gimiq Well-Known Member

    God and cowardice
     
  12. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    Because I am a coward.
     
  13. Finance

    Finance Well-Known Member

    Too wimpy to do it.

    Being a coward.
     
  14. Fredericks

    Fredericks Well-Known Member

    The major reason is that I'm scared. I'm scared of pain, of dying, of the afterlife, if there is one, of failing...
    I have started to think about friends and family recently, and I guess my suicide would upset some of them. But they're afterthoughts. I'm not really close to anyone--and I know some have offered to listen to me, but I can never get the words together, and I never want to burden them. They'll probably be pissed at me when I die, but since I don't know how long I'll be, I don't want to string them along.

    tl;dr I'm not living for anything: I'm just scared.
     
  15. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I think the primary reason is that I am just too afraid to do it. I have not yet become depressed enough to just go ahead and attempt it without any hesitation, with compulsion, etc even after a better half of a decade on this forum and thinking about suicide.

    I think I would likely finally make an attempt once I am truly alone, kicked out of my parents home without them or my brother for support. They have been keeping me on life support, to a life where I am barely surviving, where I should have been thriving. But my life is chock full of "should haves" and "could haves", so many wasted opportunities and regrets.

    Already, I have next to no friends, no girlfriend, etc on top of an enormously empty, meaningless, wasted life due to being an extreme recluse from society and my addictions to computers, videogames, etc. I am one who is damaged far beyond repair and can never be a normal person ever again.

    I am also afraid of a failed attempt. The last thing I need is for a bullet to not kill me but instead render me a permanent invalid confined to a hospital bed, even more miserable than I already am now.

    I think the reason that my family and any other loved ones would miss me is slowly eroding. My family is getting worn down and sick of my depression, it brings them down as well. They are getting angrier and more disappointed at my failure to seek help and not making any progress in my life in general.

    Also because of my depression, I am wanting to isolate myself more and more from anyone else. I am only still close to my immediate family because I live with them. Very few people will miss me if I die. I expect quite a small funeral for myself. For those that would mourn me, they will get over it. Maybe this is my depression telling me this and they will really forever miss me and be devastated. But I think this reason to stop me from killing myself won't be an issue for much longer.

    My main concern is just of plain cowardice and failure.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 29, 2012
  16. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I'm still alive because I'm an optimistic delusional idiot and I've somehow managed to convince myself that my life will be better some day. I've been telling myself this same stupid lie for years. I don't know how much longer I can continue to believe it.
     
  17. chrism67

    chrism67 Well-Known Member

    I dont really have any reason anymore to keep me alive. Im working on my exit.
     
  18. st_91

    st_91 Active Member

    I'm the same as you really. I worry that if it doesn't work, people will gossip and I'd feel ten times worse.
     
  19. roguefishfood

    roguefishfood Member

    I am not a coward, I do not fear death. Two things keep me here:

    1. I am extremely picky about my means. I don't fear death but pain or failure are much more terrifying. My means of choice are not super easily available at the present. This may change. I am already trying to secure something.

    2. The bigger obstacle: I do love my boyfriend and I know if I did it he wouldn't recover easily. Most people I know, even people who love me, would be upset but would recover with a bit of time. I don't mind hurting them because I know they'd get over it. Maybe it's ego... but I honestly believe my suicide would ruin his life to some degree and he might not ever fully recover. I'm not comfortable with doing that to him.
     
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