What do you think of these I wrote...

Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by Dave2312uk, Aug 27, 2007.

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  1. Dave2312uk

    Dave2312uk Member

    Well I wrote a couple of poems a while ago, was wondering what you thought, first one is how I used to feel, then I got a gf, we split up, so basically how i feel again :( ...second one is more of something i wrote , Lemme know what you think of them ..

    On the outside I smile,
    but deep down inside i cry,
    How I long for some to love me,
    Before im too old and die.

    At night a lie awake in bed,
    as this one question runs through my head,
    "What do I have to live for"?
    Well nothing, I may aswell be dead.

    I try my best to seem happy,
    So that others do not know,
    That when I sit alone in the dark at night,
    I wish I wasn't soo alone.

    Crying won't solve anything,
    So I may aswell give up,
    maybe one day i'll go to sleep
    and hopefully not wake-up.


    It runs through the jungle,
    just as fast as can be,
    it runs up a hill,
    and hides behind a tree.

    The hunters are comming,
    it better stay still,
    for its life is at stake,
    The guns they have could kill.

    It hears some foot steps,
    comming through the bush's,
    it begins to sneak furthur up hill,
    but is seen by a hunter and therefore it rush's.

    Its cornered now,
    Its got nowhere to go,
    there's four guys surrounding it,
    And all is heard is one hell of a big blow.

    The animal is dead,
    the guys just walk off back home,
    What a pointless sport,
    The deer is now just blood and bones.

  2. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    I think they are good; the first one, especially... but some of the lines (or what they should be called) are too lengthy, leading to a bad flow, when reading.

    There's a poetry section, by the way... just so you know.
  3. Dave2312uk

    Dave2312uk Member

    Aww thx :)

    There's a poetry section :O I searched up and down looking for somewhere to post these lol, so I just decided this was the only place the would fit :O guess I was wrong :) ahh well :)

    Thx for your feedback :)
  4. Don't worry I'm sure this will be moved there soon(Poet's corner)
    As for your poems....... the 1st is sad, but the 2nd even more so..... :sad:
  5. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Hey Dave.

    There both very good. Look forward to seeing more from you.
  6. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    I'll move it to the Poetry Section now :)

    Good poems Dave :)
  7. Darkness N Light

    Darkness N Light Staff Alumni

    Thank you so much for posting your poems. I liked them both. They are deep and emotional. I hope to see more from you soon. Take care and I love you. :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss

    With Love,
    Crystal :hug: :cheekkiss
  8. Dave2312uk

    Dave2312uk Member

    Aww thanks , it's good that you like them, I guess i get my poetry writing skills from my dad :) Hopefully something will come to mind that I can write :) Thanks for moving this thread abacus :) and thanks for all your replies everyone, means alot..

    Thanks Dave :hug: :hug: back at ya livelife :)

    :hug: :hug: :hug: All round :)
  9. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    I liked the second one a lot. It shows what it is like to be on the recieving end of something like that IMO. I reckon animal rights activists should use poems like this. Good work!
  10. I like them both. With the second one I really felt that I could relate in my own life...being cornered and then just shot down only to be left alone. Very good. :smile:
  11. Dave2312uk

    Dave2312uk Member

    Thanks :) I didnt really think about it that was desire...But its a good way of putting it :) and really does seem how some peoples lives are :(

    Animal rights should have something alone those lines I agree h2osmack..SHow people how the animal feells...Thanks for your feedback guys :)
  12. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    I like it for its honesty - in the sense that it sincerely expressed the way you feel. The second one sounds more tortured to me, but still I like it. Hope to see more of your poems here. :smile:
  13. Dave2312uk

    Dave2312uk Member

    Thanks, yea it was true feelings :mellow: I dont really write much anymore...although right now i think I really could write one :(
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