What does it really mean to take your life?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sweet Death, Nov 6, 2010.

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  1. Sweet Death

    Sweet Death New Member

    This is going to be a long one...

    Today, I am having those thoughts again. Even more as they almost became actions.

    My life is decent. It just isn't perfect and I am a perfectionist.

    Anyone other than me, having my life, would be glad.

    Seeing how much worse people are doing, I feel ashamed for not being able to manage my decent life.

    I don't smoke, I don't drink overly much, I don't do drugs. My parents are married without any additional drama aside from occasional fights. I have two lovely cats. I live in a house. Perfect surroundings. I am described as smart, kind and caring. And I am fake.

    I don't smoke because it smells bad and makes me feel like I want to puke, not because it's unhealthy. I don't drink much because I hardly exit my room, yet alone my house. I don' do drugs because I don't have access to them. My parents are only together because they are both afraid of being alone. I have two lovely cats. I live in my room. I don't notice the surroundings. I am manipulative, egoistic and selfish. And that is the truth.

    The country I live in should get nuked. Twice. I hate every single person who lives here, just because they live here. This country is shit to the core from the government to citizens. The people are brainwashed morons. I hate it here.

    My solution would be to move to another country. For that I would need to finish my high school, do an English language proof exam, apply to a university in another country and finally move there, get a job and start a proper life.

    So why am I here?

    Because I am messed up in the head in it's most pure form. Half of the people in madhouse could be considered healthy next to me. I have no idea what is going on anymore.

    There is one super simple thing I need to do that any of those "brainwashed morons" could do without using any of it's braincells. I need to go to my school building. That's it. I wouldn't even need to study because things stick to me naturally. Guess what I am not doing?

    Now, while fully aware that the only chance I have for a life that I do not entirely despise, is to go to school. I don't. Why? I have no idea. I just am unable to move my two feet in the right direction. I don't want to go there even though I need to. I am not picked on. Teachers are all as normal as they can be in this country. I have no massive problems. I just can't go. Mentally. And unless that intends to change any time soon. I won't be going.

    That again, leads to a very simple calculation.

    No willpower + my country = self destructive thoughts

    self destructive thoughts + not going to execute them
    ------------------------------------------------------= posting here
    desire to leave country + no high school diploma

    Alright, so why exactly does my decent life suck enough for me to cry over it in forums. It doesn't. It is just my brain that sucks, and when that sucks, it makes everything else suck by default.

    In another country I have friends. I have met them of course. Lovely people. Best time of my life was spent with them. And of course, my brain (human hater, egoistic, selfish, better than everyone else type of brain) decided it was the perfect time to play a different tune. I started to like another person. As in more than a friend way. Now as happens that person is a complete asshole. He has problems of his own, one of them being hating the world constructively. The other being incapable of a relationship. Same as me. I had already decided by that point that I was never going to be with anyone, because no one is good enough for me. Not that I think I am actually so awesome, it's just that my brain is super picky. Alone would of suited fine if I didn't find this first person ever to like. And totally randomly. Then two sides of my brain get into a conflict. Hating everyone and liking this person while hating him for it. He does not make things much simpler, switching between "we could try" and "nah, let's just be friends". Asshole, as I said. Probably as uncertain as I am about things. Neither of us wants to hurt the other but we both know we are assholes so it is kind of inevitable. It does not hurt any less because of it though. To be apart that is. For me. So today, I told him I would block him out. No more pretending to try to be friends and no more trying to be something more. It would just screw me up.

    That's one thing.

    The other thing is that I have a condition. I will probably die before 50, which would not be a problem since I don't even care to get old. However I might die much earlier as doctors keep reminding me and constantly scare me with oh my gosh it might be soon. Extremely irritating living condition.

    That's second thing.

    I am an attention-*****. Which might be partly the reason of my post. I do not really expect to get any "help" from people I personally consider a herd of brainless sheep. Sorry. Nor do I think much of people who post about their suicide ideas in a forum. Hello, I happen to be one of the people I do not think much about. Conflicting, yes I am.

    I considered seeing a shrink. Then the other side of me (the people hating one) spent thirty minutes explaining me how it would be. I would go there. Speak some of my problems. She/he would try to solve them. In ways I could come up with myself. In other words she/he is still being as utterly useless as I consider the rest of the humanity to be. I would leave in the same state I went in.

    Then the "good side" of me suggests to give it a try anyways. Perhaps it will be one of a million person, who actually can help. Needless to say "one in a million" does not convince my other side.

    Multi-personality disorder. I has it. Not really, but close enough.

    I am not going to kill myself but the thoughts are disturbing regardless.

    I don't kill myself because it would hurt the few people that care. I am selfish, but not with my inner circle. I would die for them, but suicide would be for me.

    I don't kill myself because I have so much to give. Seeing I consider myself better than majority, I obviously think I have some massive intellect to share with the world. In my case it is writing. I write fantasy stories. Even if they would never be published, I like sending them to my friends to read. It makes them feel good and makes me feel good when they like them. I would also like to make an animal shelter/hotel sort of thing where people can bring their pets while they go on a vacation or even give them away completely if they do not want them anymore for some reason. I would like it to make a good place where the animals are properly groomed and fed and then given to good families. Just an ideal thought. I would like to write a book or more. I would like to be read by other "brainless morons". I guess I don't think people are so brainless after all if I consider their intellect high enough to understand my masterpieces? Conflicting...

    I don't care about dying children in Africa or other distant happenings, but I do care about what I can see myself. I would like to change a few things in the world. I would like to set a new ideal. Like Lady Gaga is wearing all those freaky costumes, I would like to share my freaky mind. I would walk down the red carpet butt naked, just to make a point.

    I don't want to be the one needing help. I want to help others. In return it will make me feel like I matter. Even if it is to one of the moronic sheep. I like to matter.

    I am not going to kill myself because it would be too easy. There is no saying what comes after. If I think this is bad, then maybe the afterward will be even worse and no suicide option. Or maybe nothing is after and there goes all my /care and point of existing up until now.

    I am not going to kill myself because I am afraid of what it would be like. Maybe it hurts. Say what you want, but the only ones who know, are dead.

    I am not going to kill myself because only the knowledge of that person crying over my death, hurts more than continuing my existence in this mess I have created.

    I am not going to kill myself, because there are others who will for lesser and greater reasons and I do not want to become one of them. Suicide is average nowadays. I want to be more special than that, and I have higher chances alive. It will hurt, but it will be just me and not people I care about. Especially when I am pushing them away.

    I am not going to kill myself to set an example for those who still consider it. Even if it is totally fucked, the rock bottom is only under the cliff. There is always a way back up, even if it seems impossible.

    It seems impossible for me now. How can I overcome my own malfunctioning brain and get my cursed ass to that school? I have no idea yet. Install a firewall and run a virus check? Ask a shrink for legal weed? More ram... I don't know yet. But there will be a way. There always is. Problems have seemed impossible before but still gotten solved. Maybe I don't finish school. Maybe I try again next year.

    Maybe I do die earlier, but at least I know then I did everything I could to make my time worth it.

    I am not going to kill myself so I could be here and tell others why they should not do it. Not that I care, not really. One less sheep in the world. But it would make me feel good to matter to that sheep. And perhaps that sheep would become a wolf in the end and prove me not all sheep are as stupid as I see them.

    Hope, I has it. For now.

    We all die some day. Going earlier might be an option, but I will take my share of shit as I am supposed to. Can't be worse than all the sheep that can handle it. If they can, so can I. Right?

    I did not intend to start a discussion with myself in this thread. Or maybe I did. Either way I have convinced myself about the stupidity of the act. You were a great help everyone. Just because I could take this moment and write it all down. Just because one of the hundred will bother to take a cup of coffee and read it all. Just because it might change more lives to worth living, than just mine.

    I thank you for being mindless sheep.
    In my mind.
  2. Ronny

    Ronny Banned Member

    Hello i read your post Sweet Death and i don't know how to respond in detail as i don't want to provoke a negative reaction from you so what i will say is i hope you can find some peace within yourself one day and if you ever need to talk about things further, i would be happy to listen. Take care. :)
  3. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    All of the above.
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