What drives a man into insanity - Life story

[StangerInAStrangeLand]

Howdy all,

My life story is basically this (why I am so f***ed up) - not a contest, I'm sure some people have much worse stories:

My father left me before I was born - he was too messed up on drugs and alcohol to be a good father to me. After he left, when I was about three years old my sister got raped by a man who had raped about 10 other women, my sister was 9 years old- somehow he manipulated the justice system to stay out, even as a habitual offender. He was put away for 20 years - he is out now - probably still a rapist.

We all went to family counseling for a while - where they diagnosed me with severe depression (when I was about 4 or 5 years old). Father-Son event's at school were awful - other kids talking about how great their fathers were - boy scouts drove me into the ground. In fourth grade I woke up one morning and told my mother I couldn't bear being at school (kid's made fun of me for crying all the time) - she filed all the paperwork to have me home-schooled.

When I was six years old I was at my friend M's house, M's younger brother J (using their initials for their privacy) who was 2 years old got sodomized by a black man in our neighborhood (he was well known in our community for being a coke head - he hung out with the kids and no body thought it strange - he was in his early 20's) - my friend M and I just looked on as this was happening not knowing what to do but cry. My friend M wanted to keep it secret - I told my counselor and she told the police. The police came and didn't do anything - they interviewed me - I told them exactly what happened - down to the last detail. My friend M was scared and said he wouldn't talk to the police - I feel so heart broken for him (he didn't know any better). The guy who did this horrific act walked free.

I spent the next several years grappling with horrific depression and anger that nothing was done - the man stayed in our neighborhood - nothing happened to him. My mom didn't want to approach any issues so she sent me to live with my grandmother (nobody except my grandma wanted to take care of me, my grandmother is a saint in my book). When I was about 14 I joined a group of white supremacists and we beat the man down and sodomized him with the end of a baseball bat - it provided me with some comfort. I left the group shortly after (when I was 16) - the whole time I grappled with my depression and sadness, occasionally attempting suicide - I tried about seven different methods (it's a lot more difficult than it seems, innate animal survival instinct - some of them should have killed me - or so the hospital staff said). Took over the LD50 of several medications with alcohol and somehow survived with my kidneys and liver intact - damn immune system and health.

The next two years I developed a problem with alcohol and drugs - couldn't erase the image of that poor kid (my friend M's younger brother) from my head - he was crying so hard, and no one did anything to help him (except for me, by hammering that bastard who hurt him - still not enough comfort for my tormented mind). The image is still so clear in my mind - no matter how much alcohol or drugs I take.

My grandma helped me track down my dad just before I turned 17 - figuring it would help my depression. My dad approached me with caution and asked whether or not we were looking for him for child support (I can somewhat understand where he was coming from, but it also hurt hearing that quite a bit, he didn't really give a f**k about his own son). I developed a good relationship with him - he insisted on giving me money and at least trying to be a father through the rough times I was going through. I entered college when I was 17 (right out of the hospital for a suicide attempt - off and on while I was 16 and 17, about a year in the hospital total during those two years).

While in college my dad and I met for our regular lunch day - then he told me - after I finally forgave him and cared about him. He had acute lymphocytic leukemia and didn't have but 6mo. to a year to live. He died when I was about 20 years old (3 years ago).

Throughout my life up until that point my grandfather would provide me with escape from the concrete jungle - taking me out camping with some members of our family in our favorite camping spot (an area with lots of old indian ruins and ceremonial caves). My grandfather worked for one of the national labs as an electrical engineer and mathematician - a truly brilliant man. He talked a lot about his days in the labs - I would always sit attentively and listen to his awesome stories about fighting in WW2 and how he worked on the nation's nuclear infrastructure. The only real good memories I have are being around him. A little over a year ago he died in a nursing home (run down) from complications with congestive heart failure. My family being as f**ked up as they are sold off all of his belongings (including several hundred rare books and his telescopes, he and I loved astronomy) - they pocketed the money.

I cannot forgive my family for their mistreatment of my grandparents - they all know the hate, sorrow, and pain I harbor for them. My grandmother has Alzheimer's now and is in the last stages - she sits in puddles of her own urine and excrement for hours at a time because the nurses don't want to deal with her at the old folks home - she raised me and I cannot bear to see her in such a state - it breaks my heart ever time I look at her now.

While in college my university made an error in my paperwork for financial aid - they didn't correct it until it was too late and all the funding was gone. I was forced to take a loan out from my bank - it drove me down pretty fast - started drinking a 24 pack of Heineken every night just to cope in some way. Of course my bank wanted immediate payment which necessitated I find work to pay off the loan.

I ended up going to work in electrical construction for the past two years, drinking and getting high everyday and not caring about anything (zombie like state) - just ignoring it all. Last year, in May, I went to the hospital to recover from my alcoholism - I went through some pretty horrific stuff, seizures, black outs, etc. - they put me on benzo's to stave off the worst of it (those are highly addicting). Once my head cleared up a bit, I realized I didn't have it in me to keep on working - I was going to kill myself before I continued there.

My cousin just got out of prison (assault with a deadly weapon - he ripped off a guys face for trying to rape a woman at a party) - he was in for 8 years - he developed a bad meth and drug addiction once he got out. My cousin got his girlfriend pregnant and decided to shape up and get off the drugs. My cousin had been put up for adoption when he was young - but we found him after he got put in prison and started up contact again. He came to our family looking for help - they all closed their doors and told him he would be homeless and they didn't care what happened to him (I found it appalling they would treat their own flesh and blood this way) - they didn't give a s**t. I did - I took my cousin in and helped him shape up - with a little help from a beer each night, and a little cannabis smoking. He is now clean and extremely grateful to me for being able to live with his wife and see his son each day. When I'm feeling down he usually inspires me - we have sort of all fallen down back to our addictions though (his son is over a year old now).

I am becoming suicidal again - and this time I am sure I will not falter - my will and determination are absolute now. I don't know where I will head - but it's not going to be pretty no matter where it is.

Hope you all can find some sort of strength or peace in your lives to continue on. Mine is all exhausted and absent now.

PS My family also has an auto-immune disease - two of my aunt's have M.S. and my uncles have had their kidneys fail (on dialysis), two of my cousins have died already and my family is sick all around me.

 

[dazzle11215]

you have experienced some terrible losses. i'm so sorry to read about your difficult times, as i said on one of your other threads, no matter how much you try and escape, and how much you desire death, you are a survivor.

i am glad you are seeking help. perhaps you will be able to to but some of these traumatic events to rest. have you read about PTSD? the body has a hard time distinguishing past from present and your system is constantly overloaded with the 'flight or fight' response to danger. it can physically and emotionally exhaust you.

if you do end up admitted, know that we are thinking of you and will be here, if you need us, when you get back,

catherine

 

[StangerInAStrangeLand]

Howdy,

Been Dx'd with PTSD in addition to the Severe Depression w/Psychotic features, recurring.

Life gives you lemons - and damn, lemons are sour - I'm not going to make or drink lemon juice - LOL.

Thinking of how I might make it through - afraid of this battle (don't have any fight left in me) - it will most likely defeat me.

 

[Esmeralda]

How much of this do you actually remember, and how much of this was told to you through a 3rd party? Do you remember your Dad leaving? Do you remember your sister being violated?

Father-Son events can be tough for those who are a product of divorce or of those who are a product of a broken relationship, but they are not ALL depressed.

In my personal opinion, it sounds like these therapists "helped" you to remember these early times which you might not have otherwise remembered (I could be completely wrong, BTW).

Anyway, From the looks of your post, you seem to be mostly distressed by your lack of action during M's younger brother's sodomization, for which you feel extremely guilty. Perhaps you think that had you actually intervened, YOU may have been abused, but also "saved" the small child from this?

First of all, what do you mean by saying that he was "sodomized"? This abuse can take many forms.

Secondly. you were six. Six years old. Yes, you were older than the victim, but you could not in any way have stopped what ended up happening. You were a small child, trusting of "adults" and yet feeling intrinsically that something was orribly wrong. There is nothing you could have done, and as a child of that age, of COURSE you just sat there and cried. That is some fucked up shit for a small boy to have to watch, being powerless to stop it. Please do not beat yourself up over the incident. Best case scenario, he would have ceased molesting the younger boy and gone after you, giving him 2 victims instead of one. Please forgive yourself for this. I am guessing that you didn't even realize that anything was truly wrong until it was too late to do or say much of anything.

IMO, your Mother made a mistake home-schooling you, but that is a human mistake and only my personal opinion.

The rest of your depression seems to stem from the prior "incident". Try to understand what actually happened and stop blaming yourself.

I am sorry you lost your father after just getting to know him, because fathers can be important, but you can do it. Many, MANY people have done the same and grown to be happy, healthy individuals. Trust me on this please.

Your Grandparents' issues are most certainly difficult, but please try look at the situation from the point of view of his children. It is very possible that he made his true wishes known to your Mother and that she was trying to follow them, or that she was so sick with grief that she made poor decisions. ALL humans make mistakes, even if they believe they are doing the right thing.

I'm sorry about your addiction and about your family problems, but please try to understand that nothing can be gained from suicide, that you have much to learn and much to understand, that you have much to live for, even if you cannot see it right now.


You have had some terrible experiences, but (trust me) you can not merely live through them, but actually learn from them, become a better, happier person because of them. Don't let yourself get bogged down by your past. Learn from it. Grow from it. You are young yet. You will heal and you will help others as a result.

 

[StangerInAStrangeLand]

My sister's rape is the only thing I myself do not remember - my (immediate) family was in counseling for quite some time after this event; that is where I learned of what a horrible event it was for my (immediate) family - it got talked about a lot (until I was about 10 in therapy sessions).

As for the sodomization he pulled the kids diaper down - and I don't want to go further - the images from that time still haunt my memories - and yes, I have felt horrible about not doing anything - I just wish I could get it out of my mind.

As for me an my friend M. - he just laughed at us - he didn't go after us once he was done with J. - he left (it was in M & J's home).


Needless to say, I was in the group I was in when I got older because of the event - and solely that - I now do not harbor hate in that way, it is myself that I hate now - it was solely a means to an end; they had issues themselves that need someone to help them (mentally) - I strongly discourage anyone from persuing that same route, no matter how much they are convinced it is the right thing to do - I am ashamed I ever affiliated myself with them.


My family still believes they did the right thing in selling off my grandfathers stuff - the estate got sued - which was the only good thing that came out of it (I was able to guard some books from being sold off).