What else should I be?

I'm not sure how much of this is gonna make sense but here it goes.

Today has been pretty bad. I got up and couldn't walk because of what turned out to be a severely sprained ligament in my right foot. so now I'm on crutches. but this is not the real problem.

Ever since I can remember I've only wanted to love and be loved back. I mean this in the romantic sense. I seem to find this, and then for what ever reason it never seems to turn out right. Either I am "too much" or get betrayed, or things happen that mess everything up. I know this sounds like the rant that many high school students write (which is not a knock against them at all). however this, at least to me, is different.

I have a 2 year old girl who I love beyond anything in the world. And she comes first. So being 24 and unemployed, a single dad, and mentally ill, it feels like I might just not be what most women are looking for.

I am a type I bipolar. I am almost always in some state of "up". normally within the controllable range. Unfortunately for me this means that on the rare occasions i do become depressed its a bigger drop then it might otherwise be.

So, I don't think I am going to kill myself. But that doesn't seem to stop the desire and ideation. I've been catching myself in the last hour or so thinking of ways to kill myself. Knowing I have a daughter and what it would do to her is keeping me here. but its a cycle almost because i feel worse then i did before for having these thoughts. which makes me want to kill myself. which makes me feel guilty/worse and so on. I hate feeling like this. While i am fairly certain i will not be killing myself tonight, it doesn't really make me feel any better, quite the opposite in fact. if anyone actually decided to reply to this... do me one favor. PLEASE don't bring up that i need to not do it because of my daughter. As I can say with certainty that won't do one bit of good. In fact it will do the opposite.

 

I think you are kind hearted and a good listener and one of the best people I have met on SF. I don't think you need to be more than that. I do understand your feelings though. I just don't have an answer because if I did then my life would be fixed too. All I can off is a :hug: and some :coffee: and let you know that I will listen to your rants.

 

Ben,

I can sympathize with your feelings. In fact my kids are the reason I tried to do myself in 2 years ago. I felt (and still feel alot of the time) that my kids would be better off without me. I'm not going to try to shift your thinking to your daughter, because I know the feelings will always be there regardless of her.

Do what you feel is right. If it's a negative, I won't stop you. If it's a positive, I will praise you. After all, that's what friends are for right?

 

Hey ben oke:

I can so relate to how you feel, at least the part of the killing myself part. Like you Im most of the time also in the up state, but the drops are indeed really big, and hard to deal with. I dont want to kill myself, because like you there are people I love so much. But especially in that moment feeling so down, the desire to kill myself gets at that moment so big. Im actually really scared I will kill myself during those drops, while i dont want to kill myself, but the feeling of despair is so intense. I think suicidal thoughts have been in my head for such a long time in my life, a habit thats hard to get rid of, it feels like those thoughts will always be there in the back of my mind, even while you certainly dont want kill yourself. So how you're feeling makes a lot of sense to me.

Further on the love part. Unfortunately there are many girls/women that are so narrowminded, who want an hot guy (which you are btw) with a good paying job, who is 'normal' (so not mentally ill). But the standard answer on this, which is with a reason standard, because its true, there are also many sweet girls who look for other things in a man. Honesty, respect, humor, trust, artistic and love. You're amazing Ben, and so is Molly. I cant imagen someone would mind you having her. When it comes to having a job, you will start to study again soon, right? Im just sure it will all work out well, you will find that love. if even I found someone

Hope you and your foot will feel better soon hun *hug*

hey Ben oke: you're amazing!!

:badger:

 

To be honest mate - I think your daughter is your priority right now - and you also. Hoping for some women to make everything alright is not the way to go!

As for women not wanting to know a man with depression - I got no issue there - I understand its a risk - and not everyone with depression is nice - some are trouble - and will bring trouble to people. I don't think I would but - I'm not going to argue about it.

And with single dads - got a few mates like that. Sure many women might be very reluctant to have a relationship with a single dad - most women are looking to have a family themselves - and would prefer a man with no kids. Especially younger women. Older women - well I'm 47 and many woman I'm like to meet will likely have kids - not a problem with me - but when younger - maybe it would be.

Its not that women are narrow-minded - its more about them being immature at your age - plus as explained many want their own families - understandable.

Bear in mind mate - lots of women aged 22 have children and they are single mums! Well - they will know what you are going through - and if you care about your daughter (and I know you do) then any single mum would feel comfortable with you - I mean - most 22 yr old lads - or many - would be reluctant to take on a child - but you don't mind do you? I mean you want a woman to accept your child - maybe a relationship with the ex also - so - that is a LOT for a girl to take on - you got to see that - and set your sights on a single mum!

But sort your life out first - don't know if your working and educated - but you got a young daughter and I guess your doing something to pay the bills.

Good luck mate.

My regards to your little daughter - bet she is a princess!

So sure - you cannot even really think about exiting life.

I know you won't.