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What forum do you go to when I have every problem listed? TRIGGERING

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by psrhead, Oct 14, 2012.

  1. psrhead

    psrhead New Member

    Dont read if your in a hurry..Where to start..I met by knight and shining armor and my best friend at the young age of 14--almost 19 years ago. My older sister had kids young and got into drugs. By the time I turned 18 she had her then 4 and 2 year old taken away. I had the kids a majority of my teens (with my boyfriends help) anyway so I was glad to take custody right when I turned 18. Same year we had our first son. By 20 we got married-we proceeded to have 2 more kids-I became a nurse, and we bought our home at the age of 23. I have always had the mentality that those 2 boys were mine. I raised them. Well last summer the oldest-(we will call him M..) asked to move back home with me so I could get him off drugs. A month later I was just unable to sleep..so i was online at 233 in the morning when the police show up at my door..later to find M had went out to the country and hung himself. His tox panel later showed there was nothing in his system..so I know he had to have been clean the month he came home..No previous warning/depression etc. I lost my oldest baby that night..for whatever reason. The following month the man I thought of as my father and raised me (best man in the world)..died at 59. And because I was the nurse they left the life support decision up to me..in a way I decided to let him go. The following 4 or 5 months are a blur--I found my self doing things I had only seen in movies. I did crack cocaine for a few months...me the good little trauma nurse with a head on her shoulders! One or two of those months I was also drinking--which I had done maybe 5 times in the whole previous 10 years! So I bought myself a DUI. Somehow one night a comment from my 6 year old daughter snapped me out of the whole substance abuse phase. But sobering up i came to recall a night following the second funeral where I got really drunk-was crying and upset-and the man I loved told me "it was time to move on-start getting over things." This man that I worshipped..so we fought..I remember waking up-cant remember going to bed but I remember waking up to him biting my back. I was very drunk and kept trying to push him away..and telling him to leave me alone-he pushed me down-and everytime I said no that seemed to turn him on more-he ended up having anal sex with me crying the entire time. I cant recall the next morning either-but when I did finally bring it up to him-he said he thought I was just acting like I didnt want it to turn him on. We have never been a couple to role play or done fake rape games before..So I completely shut down-i dont know which event triggered my meltdown-but i havent went back to work, I cant seem to find the energy to get off the couch-I dont want to clean, or even shower. And I know there is a millon things i want to say-if it were anyone but me-I had the psych training-so I know none of this was my fault (other than me doing drugs.) I used to be a good mom and wife-now I just allow the kids to grow up-watching them run around and get them selves ready for school, pop in a frozen pizza for dinner-and instead of fighting with my husband-I lay there-and I try and think of what heaven will be like the whole time he has sex with me. I want to throw up just thinking about it. Counseling is out of the question..I cant have someone sit there and get paid to listen to my sob story. There wasnt a thing that M and I didnt talk about-when he first used heroin it was me he called to pick him up and take care of him while he was sick-he told me way more than I ever wanted to know about his sex life-but he couldnt tell me he was hurting like that inside. And as an Emergency room nurse-youd think Id pick up on the little signs. So I have went from being on top of the world and taking charge my whole life-to nothing...I dont want to live anymore. No i am not going to commit suicide-somewhere all those good mom feelings whisper ..you know what you would be putting the rest of your kids through...So i will keep going until god calls me home. I just dont want to. I rolled my suv last year-due to a seizure from lack of sleep-and now I dont drive. My very horrible neighbors-longtime dispute with them---thought it was funny to walk by our house last year and pretend to be hanging them selves-and say to my 6 and 8 year old.."whats the matter, were you so ugly that M had to go hang himself?" Neighbors that are in their late 40"s mind you. So I packed my family up-and we walked away from our perfectly good mortgage-so this year we filed bankruptcy. How did I let things get this bad? And how do I snap out of it? And for the last couple hours I have been trying to make this chat work-just so I could vent..I am not looking for sympathy..dont even really care if anyone reads it..just had to put it all in print..maybe that way i can see how the end of my story is supposed to be written. I have cried the entire time writing this..and even that doesnt help-just a reminder I am not dead yet and I still have to feel...Sorry for the long post..thanks for listening
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 14, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i read you story and as a person who lost a bother to suicide who is also a nurse i can understand some of your pain the guilt of not seeing the signs of not doing enough maybe
    You hun did everything you could ok when a person suicides their pain overides everything hun and nothing or noone can help them at that point I have and still feel so much pain for losig my bro but i understand now it was not my fault nor was it yours hun. YOU are a good mother YOu need help hun therapy i finally said enough was enough and i got me the best therapist who listens who guides me out of the dam pain im still in but it works hun ok. YOU are worth every effort you are hun and a therapist hun does more then just listen they guide you to a place of peace of healing YOu children hun want to see their mother not in pain hun they want to see you full of live ok Do it for YOU and your children get the healing you need and deserve YOu are a good mother and a good nurse now it is time hun NOW to get the help you need HUGS to you Crying hun is good it is good to let go of all that pain so keep writing ok keep reaching out like you are doing now