what goes through my head

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 2smart4myOWNgood, Dec 22, 2009.

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  1. This is a small collection of things that i have wrote in the past when feeling low and suicidal. It may give you abit of insight into the way i think and how fucked up my head is.

    If death comes to us all as it is inevitable, then why am i so bothered as to when i die, maybe, subconsciously i am actually so scared of dying that i just want to get it out of the way. Some how i dont think that is the case. It could very well be curiousity. After all, we are an evolved generation and know so much but not on the subject of death yet there are so many stories and theories. Its like a mystery or an undiscovered realm in which you can only discover its secrets by dying. Unfortunately i have been unsuccessful in my attempts which i find hard to believe. Maybe im being to impatient or it just might not be " my time ". I am comforted by the knowledge that i WILL one day die.

    The wanting of death or attempted suicide is commonly known as "depression". To me, it is a last resort of escape, a way to end your misery and suffering, although it brings suffering to those who care and love you. So is it selfish to take your own life? Many would say "yes" but the answer is "no". It may seem unfair or make you feel guilty for hurting your loved ones by taking your own life but if you truely want to die then they should respect that, and if they keep trying to talk you out of it then they are the ones being selfish. A person shouldnt feel like they have to live for the sake of other people. After all, life isnt compulsory.

    The race we have evolved into has become paranoid and scared of death over the past few generations and i believe the cause for that is due to religions. If your not one of them, then you are not safe and wont get into heaven, instead you will burn in hell for the rest of eternity. This is basically what the main religions believe in, and this causes confusion and fear among people as many do not believe in god but they hate the idea of hell, so they try to keep an open mind but this can effect peoples decisions in life, almost like karma. Even though there are some people that just believe in scientific facts, neither theories of how it all started have been proven correct. As there is no evidence or proof, this complicates things even more because as smart as we are becoming, we're still very superstitious and when a human doesnt know the answer to something, it can mess with their head and seeing as death is one of the only things we dont know much about, it is easy to see why people would fear it as we all die alone. "He who fears of being conquered is sure of defeat." That is a quote from Napoleon, which i agree with because, I, unlike most people, fear life itself. I have been defeated which is why i want to die, ive tried battling on but it is just a lost cause. This puts me on a completely different wavelength to most people because i genuinely want to die. "Fear" is simply an emotion which is controlled by your mind, so control your mind and you can beat your fear. Clearly i cant control my mind.

    We all wonder why we are here, existing, what is our purpose? Well if only i knew, i think if there is one soul purpose for us to exist then i think alot of people could agree that it would be for happiness. The only problem with that though is no one is the same and therefore we all have our own ideas on what would make us happy. For some people, doing bad things makes them happy, so there is no way that it could work out.

    A majority of people said in a survey that they would not like to know the day thay was going to die. I on the other hand would love to know when my death is going to happen. I think would it would give you so much motivation to accomplish all the things you really want in life. For example, if someone was to tell you that you only have three months left to live(and your still in good health) you would probably experience more in them three months than what it takes some a lifetime to achieve. It is an insentive to go and try all the things you've ever wanted and you would have so much confidence as you know your fate and how much time you have to play with. I personally think that it is the closest a person can get to being "free". I once set my self a date to kill myself and promised to have as much fun as possible in that period of time and you know what, it was great, i almost succeeded but got resuscitated and woke up in hospital.

    I think a great way to descibe life, is as the weather because some days are good and some days are bad. In some parts of the world though the weather is always shit just like some peoples lifes are always shit. I think i am one of those people, even though my life aint majorly shit, it just gets worse, must be due to global warming lol. Its a shame the weather dont change for me because i could do with some good days.

    Today for the first time in my life i woke up feeling upset. I know i am depressed but that has never happened before. I just cant help but wanna cry but i dont know what about, my mind is blank other than these words i am writing down. I cant cope with life, i cant cope with living. HELP, that is what i need, but help is hard for me to seek out as i have lost the ability to open up and communicate with people when it comes down to my emotions. I tend to get either really defensive or i just cant take the conversation seriously for some reason. I dont know what to do? im so confused on what direction to take. i have become weak, i want to throw in the towel, if only it was that simple. There was a time when all i needed was my friends to keep me going but now it is just not enough. This is not a good sign, death is near now, i can sense him waiting to come and get me. I know i wont be around for much longer, i just hope everything i have wrote will help my mum and close friends to understand how ive felt for the last few years. Im sorry if ive dissappointed you all. sorry. (this was wrote two days before my 20th birthday in august this year)

    Heres a couple of poems ive also wrote when ive felt shitty. There not all that good but there was alot of emotion put into them at the time.

    When you feel low,
    and have nowhere to go.
    what do you do?
    if only i knew.
    I sit here on my own,
    no wonder i feel so alone,
    with nobody to talk to,
    theres only you.
    Pen and paper, your always here for me
    you listen to my thoughts and never disagree.
    If it wasnt for you, i dont think i would ever go to bed,
    even when you say nothing at all, you always clear my head.
    To my pen and paper, i dedicate this poem to you's
    as yet again you have disarmed my fuse.

    I cant help doing these things that i do,
    i dont do it deliberately to disappoint you.
    I know you blame it on the pot,
    as smart as i am, i am not.
    I can see ive changed into something i dont want to be,
    I know im a failure through the eyes of my family,
    i know its too late to fix my mistake
    and i will never get a piece of that cake.
    when i look through closed eyes,
    i realise im the master of disguise,
    i have many personalities, some good, some strange
    but on the surface i know i will never change.
    I know people recon to me life is just a game,
    sometimes i think the same.
    it would be good if life was all about fun
    but i know without sorrow, this cannot be done.
    when death knocks on my door,
    i will greet him with a smile, thats for sure,
    i will be wearing a suit and a tie,
    we will have a quick tea and then i will die.

    some nights i wish i would die,
    some nights i even try
    all my attempts seem to fail,
    my reality is a living hell.
    who knows what will become of me,
    and what my destiny will be.
    many nights i have prayed my life would end,
    I feel like im my only friend.
    many nights my lonelyness causes me dismay
    how i wish the sadness will go away.
    i will conclude this poem with one last rhyme,
    maybe soon it will be my time.

    I am all on my own,
    i just wish someone would fucking phone
    i feel i am starting to rot,
    i could kill myself with one shot
    it would not be hard
    my death is on a tarot card
    i would learn to weld
    then make a bomb and blow this world,
    i fucking hate this life
    i tried taking it with a knife
    if only i could mend
    oh, how i wish it would end
    i cant bare this pain
    i must have death on the brain.

    If you have sat and read all this then i appreciate you taking your time, this is just the begining, i have hundreds more stuff like this but i cant be arsed to type anymore at the moment
  2. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Well I could be arsed to read it :biggrin: and all of it. Won't go into any of the philosophical things you've talked about at this point like the purpose of life, just want to say that my overall impression of what you're saying is that you are deeply unhappy and feeling very alone, even though you have friends. I know you said you find it hard to be open about emotions - but maybe you could post more about the things in your life that have made you feel this way? Sometimes telling about the things that have happened (or not happened) can help put the feelings into context, make it easier to understand what's going on.
  3. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    As promised, read every word. I understand those thoughts, and those poems are very deep....

    ... Like Tam said, giving an insight as to why you're feeling this way would also be good. I know it might sound like were asking for too much or taking you for granted but I also want to hear what is making you feel down, why you don't want to continue with life so that we can reach and talk to you personally about sorting out your problems and support you as much as we can, many of us can relate...
  4. its too late to sort out problems now. ive already told people i will kill myself on the 13th of january and im one of them people that dont go back on my word. even if i want to live, i cant change my mind now. so my date is set even though im in a good mood whilst writing this but u know what, i know that this inevitable which makes me confident.
  5. thanks for your concern and you will probably come across my next post soon and by then i will not be here. I just wanted to say thank you for taking your time for reading what i have said. The sleepyness is kicking in now, i only hav about an hour or so left i recon. i appreciate what you and tam have said but this is the end now, so good bye to u both and take care. good luck with being alive
  6. light...

    light... New Member

    Don't do this...if you die you will be in immense pain...when your soul pulls out of your body it is very painful.. life can be beautiful.. you can bathe in the rain..you can have someone who will love u.. u will have a home.. you will have kids.. you will be happy one day..its just around the corner..don't end so soon.. u can't give up..sometimes you have to go against your word..you have to take a risk..do it now..come back.. dont do this
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