What goes through your head?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jenniferelaine, Jun 14, 2010.

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  1. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    I haven't really slept in 4 days (something like 6 hours in 4 days..whee!)

    When I can't calm, I self-calm by thinking about it. How I'd do it, bargain with myself.

    So something new that has started to come up is "I wonder what would go through my mind the seconds before"

    So what do you think, or if you've tried, what did go through your head in the moments that you were playing Chicken with Death? My scenarios mostly envision that you have only a few seconds/maybe minutes to have these thoughts...so none of these "whoops...messed up my method, and now I'm in the hospital and don't know if I'll make it" kind of thoughts.

    Things that I *think* would go through my head (or variations thereof):

    "Oh Sh!t"
    "This better work"
    "This better not hurt (too bad)"
    "Well this was a dumb idea"
  2. akjack

    akjack Member

    I'd probably just think, "Fuck it".
  3. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    I'm sure it'll be along the lines of 'please let this work'. Failure is just not an option!

  4. Schannah

    Schannah Member

    I think it depends on how long your method would allow you. If it would allow you more than a few seconds, I think some pretty coherent doubts and fears would surface. If it's a really quick one, I would imagine wordless panic. No matter how determined and sure you are to start with, I think it would be impossible to spend at least part of that moment being scared of getting it wrong (whether "it" be the reasons you had for killing yourself, or the possibility of an afterlife in which you could be punished, etc.)

    Unless your method involves taking psychoactive drugs. Then your final thoughts might be a bit more colourful.
  5. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Ooh, I wonder if this could be incorporated into my method somehow... would be WAY more fun!
  6. Schannah

    Schannah Member

    You say fun. I was very frustrated when I was asked how much I had taken, and I couldn't work it out, because I had to multiply sixteen by fourteen, but the numbers were the wrong colours.
  7. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    Without getting into a methods discussion...my mind usually wanders into the things that are split-second decisions. Things you wouldn't have time to back away from without REALLY bad consequences. Go big or go home, right?

    If I'm going to do it, I'm going to obliterate myself.
  8. Schannah

    Schannah Member

    I don't know. I think I would choose something slower, simply because the only really fast methods I can think of are really messy and leave a very unpleasant corpse. Not that corpses aren't generally unpleasant, but... I don't want to cause any more distress than I really need to. Sure, you have more time to back out if it's slow, but I think I'd have to be strong enough to stick with my decision no matter how scared I was, because otherwise I don't think I could consider myself strong enough to make that decision in the first place. Have you attempted before?
  9. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    my main thoughts have been
    "this is going to fail"
    "wheres the peace?"
    "i'm sorry"
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