What got you into this mess (why did you start)?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by ToHelp, Nov 30, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    [QUICK NOTE. Where have I obtained all these pills? If the answer isn't already known to you, best I do not go there. I SERIOUSLY doubt that our moderation team would allow its discussion, as it's illegal.

    [But look. It's an inidious means by which you get sucked into, and I really rather not divulge it myself to the people who don't already know because in short, it's useless, toxic knowledge. -Thanks.]


    Me I've reflected on the question a long time. See, I'm an alcoholic with nearly 15 years not drinking.

    Oh but in my cups I wasn't just any alcoholic, addicted to my nightly six-pack. No, I am of the worst variety in the textbooks that addictionologists read. I forget the designation (alpha?) - but I AM the classic stereotype whch they used to show in movies.

    It liked to killed me. I had DT's, convulsions, and just couldn't quit to (pun coming!) save my life until one day after many years.... it just began to remit. (There is a bell-curve theory about this addiction, a bit outside the scope of this discussion.)

    When the obsession began to lift, I was - but comparison - easily able not to drink and it's been like that ever since '94, '95 or so.


    To the topic

    The question then is:

    "John, you're smart. Why in the living FUCK have you continued to dabble in benzodiazepines (BZDs)?"

    See, BZDs (like Valium and Xanax) are notorious for their uselessness outside the ER. Oh sure, your doctor might cave and give you a week's worth to help with sleep or something, but is agreed now (most esp. in the U.K.): There is no good that can come of long-term use except for a fierce addiction.


    I've discovered upon close introspection now why I continue to choose benzodiazepines.

    Ready? Well, just look at where I am (SF). lol Mine is not a very understable or happy or conventional life. (I.e., I isolate yet feel lonely, afraid of people. Where's the answer to understanding that? I don't have it.)

    But the drugs now. They "never fail" me. Two mg of Klonopin will null not just my nerves but LIFE.

    And that's why I keep going back. --To escape my life and not have to care.


    Care to share your reasons?

  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You should be very proud of yourself for quitting the liquor :) I don't know exactly what the question you asked was..it was either, whats your reason for being at sf? or whats your reasons for being addicted to benzos. Well I think you meant the second one..anyway I was addicted to benzos not for long though because like you said docs wont prescribe them long term:dry: But they were the best thing I have ever taken especially xanax. Have you tried to wean yourself off them?
  3. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Thank you, DC!

    Yes ma'am, weaning myself off Valium and Xanax -type of benzos right now.

    The topic (the question for discussion is --->


    lol sry that i wasn't clear about that. lol

    And about Xanax, Daisy: Oh, hell yeah. Been up to 20 and 30 mg per day on that stuff. (That's like 30 of the blue litle 1 mg tablets.)

    They're insidious, like I said. Insidious means kind of sneaky. If whoever (else) is reading this, you don't ever to start on benzos. EVER.

    One of the most fortunate ppl reading this post right is the benzo-virgin who has never been addicted them.

    But yeah Daisy I've weaned off all but opioids (pain-killers). (And crack and methamphetamine--no experience with that stuff.)

    Coming off Xanax, like I said, by yourself is deadly. If you're on too high a dose and you start dropping that does too fast? Ugly things can happen including stroke and seizure.

    Anyway - the liquor. UGH. Been so long for me now--yet I can STILL recall those hangovers, gal. Yes, after 15 years I remember very well puking that crap.

    The buzz/happy-fun times on alcohol is like nothing else man. For those who are addiction-prone, chasing those good times again is what can literally kill you.

    Anyway - blah - I'm rambling!!! But I'm more than happy to share my experiences.

    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 30, 2008
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    OMFG!!!!!!! 20-30MG of XANAX???? wooooow!!!! Im surprised your still alive. 1mg knocks me out!

    Well done on quitting all the other pills, that takes great strength.

    Ive been begging my doctor for weeks for xanax, she wont give in:rolleyes: Maybe its just as well. lol

    Thank you for sharing your experiences, I hope this thread will save someone from becoming addicted to them. :hug:
  5. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    :hug: Yep - like I said it's all about tolerance. Your body adapts, your brain quits producing enough GABA A (our major inhibitory neurotransmitter), and BAM. You're reliant on the Xanax in every way.

    Omfg, you're ASKING for this shit? (lol :smile: ) Girl..... pls leave it alone. Like u said maybe this thread stops others in their tracks -- let's start with YOU.

    - John
  6. ScarsandHopes

    ScarsandHopes Well-Known Member

    I was addicted to Cocaine for awhile. Among any of the other drugs I'd taken (Acid, Heroin, and Angel Dust, just to name a few) it was the most addicting (Except for cigarettes, THOSE are addicting more than any drug, and healthier =/ ).

    It started with me trying to kill myself. I took 5 2-inch lines and snorted them. (SORRY if I'm not supposed to say how much :( ) Well, as you can see it didn't work, I was hooked. I lost a lot of friends to it. I was always itching to get more. I'd borrow money from my parents that they'd never see again, I had drained my bank account, and finally about 2 months of being hooked, I think I just fell asleep one day and awoke without the feeling of wanting more.. Weird, I know. But, that's when I started smoking and drinking.

    Now, so says the great state of IL, I'm 17 and a reformed alcoholic.
  7. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    What a story! Thank you for sharing that with us, kid. ("kid" :))
  8. p3cky

    p3cky Account Closed

    coaine is a very addicive drug as the effects normall only last up to 30 mins or so when snorting and the come downs are terrible and make the user crave more and more, and usuaully build a tolrence pretty fast.
  9. ScarsandHopes

    ScarsandHopes Well-Known Member

    Indeed. It was hell. Plus, as I found out later, my 'friend' (dealer) had started me on the good stuff =/ That was probably my worst mistake.
  10. p3cky

    p3cky Account Closed

    i am glad you have stopped well done i know its not easy i have seen what does to people.
  11. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    It's about time for an update.

    I have gotten myself down to 3 tablets at a time 'stead of four, and I might dose t.i.d. which again is three times per day instead of four.

    I have also found that tolerance to phenobarb is on par with tolerance to just about any other sedative. It really happens fast. Our bodies adapt to teh foreign substances like lickity split and before you know it, you are not feeling any effects unless you come off. THEN, it's like "WOW i WAS NUMB omfg."

    Thinking on it though (doing the math), I have seriously dropped a lot, and it's clear that I have recovery as a clear, sure goal and am not just fucking around. Fucking around costs me time. I want OFF -- I'm over the ball-and-chain of addiction.

  12. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Hey there -

    Also want to share something I have learned after nearly 800 tablets and several weeks: My GOD phenobarbital is a lousy Valium or Xanax or Klonopin substitute.

    Here's why. You abuse that crap at such doses as I do and have, it is very dangerous to your balance, to your equilibrium, and gate. I have fallen countless times. Tripped over cords and caught or hooked furniture I'd never have otherwise. caution caution caution WHEN DRIVING ETC. caution caution caution

    Benzodiazepines are also much, much safer in this regard, addiction notwithstanding (it's ALL addicting).

    So I'll take this knowledge and use it and basically just leave it alone. Valium (or Librium, a close kept secret) is much more friendly in that regard and won't get you arrested for ambling down the fucking street looking and talking inebriated. ...lol

    (Note about Klonopin and Xanax. These are much less preferred because they are known as "potent" bzds. Big caution here everyone: You still develop an incredible tolerance such that you don't feel these meds, yet once you try to come off you often find it near to impossible -- far moreso than Valium for instance [Chlordiazepoxide or Librium is the least potent of all bzds synthesized, has a very long half-life, and should be chosen as the first line drug of choice if you're going to get into stuff.])

    B/c of its biphasic half-life, Valium also builds up in your body and can be gently titrated down over how ever long you feel it necessary.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.