What led to my break-down is that I know I am gay but because of what I believed at the time, I saw being gay as an illness, curse, just something I had to cure. I did not want to be gay. I thought that by getting a girl friend this would solve my problem. I started to date a nice girl and I thought everything was going fine. As time pasted, my internal conflict about I am gay but do not want to be gay just got worst. My mood got worst, my behavior became odd at times, and my paranoia about being outed became intense. It reached a crisis point and I woke up one morning and thought “If I am gay and there is no cure, I want to be dead.” I the overdosed on some meds and waited. The effects were terrible, but I did not take enough. Later I did have second thoughts, so I did not take anymore meds to finish the job. I thought I could wait until the effects wore off. I was wrong; I took so much and the effects were still going on even after one day. I did eventually call 911, and got myself to the hospital. It took the hospital 2 days to detoxify me. The pnurse interviewed me and said they do not deal with my problem because it is a gay matter. She gave me a couple phone numbers and sent me on my way. The phone numbers were useless. My dad drove me home and there I sat in my bedroom crying and lost. I sat there with my body in pain from the OD and no help from the hospital. I found a local gay help line to call. But it took me several tries to call. I had a hard time to bring myself to call. Asking for help from them was the hardest thing I did in my life. It was that phone call that saved my life. The guy listened and let me pour out everything I was feeling and after I calmed down he gave me help to find a therapist to see. Now, I am still having periods of depression, and suicidal and self harm thoughts. They come and go. I have a hard to shake them off and periods of depression seem to last longer. I have made an appointment with my family doctor to see what can be done. I know I am not well and I need some help. I still have a long road in accepting myself for who I am. I still do not feel comfortable in my own skin yet but I hope things will get better.