What happened to me

[nevel]

What led to my break-down is that I know I am gay but because of what I believed at the time, I saw being gay as an illness, curse, just something I had to cure. I did not want to be gay. I thought that by getting a girl friend this would solve my problem. I started to date a nice girl and I thought everything was going fine. As time pasted, my internal conflict about I am gay but do not want to be gay just got worst. My mood got worst, my behavior became odd at times, and my paranoia about being outed became intense. It reached a crisis point and I woke up one morning and thought “If I am gay and there is no cure, I want to be dead.” I the overdosed on some meds and waited. The effects were terrible, but I did not take enough. Later I did have second thoughts, so I did not take anymore meds to finish the job. I thought I could wait until the effects wore off. I was wrong; I took so much and the effects were still going on even after one day. I did eventually call 911, and got myself to the hospital. It took the hospital 2 days to detoxify me. The pnurse interviewed me and said they do not deal with my problem because it is a gay matter. She gave me a couple phone numbers and sent me on my way. The phone numbers were useless. My dad drove me home and there I sat in my bedroom crying and lost. I sat there with my body in pain from the OD and no help from the hospital. I found a local gay help line to call. But it took me several tries to call. I had a hard time to bring myself to call. Asking for help from them was the hardest thing I did in my life. It was that phone call that saved my life. The guy listened and let me pour out everything I was feeling and after I calmed down he gave me help to find a therapist to see.

Now, I am still having periods of depression, and suicidal and self harm thoughts. They come and go. I have a hard to shake them off and periods of depression seem to last longer. I have made an appointment with my family doctor to see what can be done. I know I am not well and I need some help. I still have a long road in accepting myself for who I am. I still do not feel comfortable in my own skin yet but I hope things will get better.

 

[Marshmallow]

I hope things get better soon aswell, sounds like a really rough time right now and in the past, i hope things continue to get better, its gota be hard to accept something that you don't wanna be, but im glad things are gradually getting better. I think seeing your family doctor is a good step in the right direction, things can be done to help how your feeling so please make sure you go to the appointment :smile: i hope it all works out,

take care

vikki x

 

[bluekitten]

Hey Nevel. I hope you're feeling okay.

*rubs eyes*

Heh, sorry, I was seeing double for a moment there!.

I was laying in bed - it's been a tiring day - but before I snuggled up I'd logged in here and read your post. Anyhow, I lay there for a while thinking about what you'd written and I just couldn't sleep, so I made myself a cup of coffee and here I am. I meant to use the decaf but I forgot, so I'll probably still be awake at 4:00 am, but oh well!. :laugh:

I'm not sure what to say now - I never am :rolleyes:

*thinks* Nevel, you know that whether things really get better for you is entirely in your hands. It's your choice. Self-acceptance doesn't guarantee happiness of course. Whether you're gay, straight or anything in between , i can promise you you'll experience the same lows and highs, joys and heartaches as we all do, but at least you'll be allowing yourself the chance to be happy, and you deserve that I think.

There are approximately 7 billion people in the world you know, but only one of them can give you that opportunity to be happy; you. You seem to be taking reponsibility for yourself and I admire that. You have integrity. If some random stranger can feel that like they like you, having just read a couple of posts on an internet forum, why cant you like yourself?.

Life is short Nevel, far too short to hate, especially yourself.

I wish you peace of mind. Please take good care.

Gabriel.

 

[bluekitten]

Hey Nevel. Just wondering if you made that Dr's appointment?. I hope you were able to get some help. Anyhow, please remember, you're not alone. You're right, it can be a long road, and we just have to walk it one step at a time, but you'll get there, with a little help. We all need some help, sometimes. Things will get better; so much better you'll wonder how you could ever have felt the way you did, just wait and see.

gabriel.

 

[TehAndrew]

Well what makes you "gay"?

If its the security I understand, I used to be a little confused on that.

I like getting hugged from behind, and laying in my girlfriends lap.. Silly things like that.
[mod edit: moonstar89 - deemed insulting]

Anyone can like either sex, theres no magical wall keeping people from it.

If you have AIM, I'd like to talk to you about it [mod edit: moonstar89]

If you dont wanna talk about it, its fine, very understandable.

I wish you best of luck my friend :]

 

[Malcontent]

Well what makes you "gay"?

If its the security I understand, I used to be a little confused on that.

I like getting hugged from behind, and laying in my girlfriends lap.. Silly things like that.

[mod edit: moonstar89 - quotes edit]

Anyone can like either sex, theres no magical wall keeping people from it.

If you have AIM, I'd like to talk to you about it [mod edit: moonstar89 - and again]

If you dont wanna talk about it, its fine, very understandable.

I wish you best of luck my friend :]

Whoa, this really annoys me... First of all, people can not be made gay or straight or anything inbetween, it's just something you are. There's nothing wrong with being gay AT ALL...

Secondly, I like getting hugged from behind and lying in my girlfriend's lap too, and I'm definitly a lady's man! I really don't get your point here :blink: Being gay is not about security, nor is it about sex. It's about who you fall in love with and are attracted to. And that can never be changed. Yes there is something in the mind that stops you from liking girls - LOVE. If a person is gay they should be helped to accept themselves as they are.

Sorry if I've been too harsh here but you have insulted many of my friends with your comments

 

[nevel]

When I posted the message my mood was getting worst and my thoughts were getting dangerous. Venting a little helped relieve some pressure. I am feeling better and I will keep my appointment, even though I have thought of cancelling it because my mood has improved. Firstly I will not get involved in any "why I am gay" or any religious related threads because that is what led me to attempt suicide.I am who I am, period. I want to talk openly and freely because it does help me. So, to do this I am remaining completely anonymous. I do not want to IM because I do not want to be triggered. My emotions are still unsettled. You can PM me through the mail system of this forum.

Because of my religious and personal up bringing, I did see it as a problem. I tried and tried to be like everyone else, but I never manage to make it work. Over the years, I developed a strong hatred of myself. Because I all this frustration and self hating, I was an emotional mess. I learnt to control and suppress my emotions to the point I always appeared calm and cool. My calm me is what people saw, and my emotional me was locked up out of sight. My emotional me would exploded sometimes, because there was too much suppressed emotions to contain at times. This would leave me crying and depressed for a night or one day. I would fantasize about suicide at least once or twice a week for my entire adult life. I became extremely shy. That was my life.

Trying to have a girl friend is what pushed me over the edge and attempt suicide. The aftermath for me is that all the emotional control I developed over the years is gone. All my suppressed emotions and issues are all hitting me at once. I am trying to deal with several issues at once. At times it is just too much and I get fed up of fighting it all the time. My mood can change fast and I am getting afraid to do things because I do not want to have emotional meltdowns when I am out. It has happened at parties, and I have become suicidal in front of friends. Trying to undo a life time of self hating is difficult and taking the easy way out does look appealing at times. At the moment I am thinking clearly and rationally. But the memories of when I am not in control haunt me. I survived my latest period of being depressed with only some minor bad things.

 

[nevel]

Update

Thanks for the words of encouragements from everyone it has helped me. I did see my family doctor and he has referred me to see a psychologist. That will be my next appointment. I have been put on an anti-anxiety med; to try to calm me down so events will not trigger me as much. I know it is for the best. But I do have a feeling of defeat because I could not solve it myself. Anyway, I guess being depress is an improvement from being suicidal or wanting to hurt yourself.