basically as some people know I'm new to this forum and this is my first proper post. From when I can remember I've never had the happiest Childhood. I am aged 18 now but it goes way back. My mother is known for her Mood swings, if thats what I want to call them. She is extremely nice and kind and sweet to everyone in this world. she will go out of her way to help them and so forth. However when it comes to my relationship with her- this is not the case. I am known for not being very academically bright. I have memoriesof trying to learn spellings and everytime I'd get wracked around the head with a mug. I also have memories of her hitting me with a vacum cleaner metal tube and me just sitting there crying. I was 8 at the time. This as many people know is appaling. I as a result of years of this-it still continuing now have very little self esteem and have severe depression. I often believe that I deserve it and often find myself asking by boyfriend to hit me if i do something wrong. I know he will never do this but I feel like I deserve it. I also get flashbacks which terrify me, even when I am away from home. I would cut my ties but the sorry state of affairs is that I need to be at home. I have nowhere else to go. In the holidays I cant hop from friend to friend and my mum wants me to be at home. however I hope one day I do leave and tell my mum all of my thoughts before I do and never return.. Ia m often told I am useless and a mistake- I believe this yes but I still want to help people as much as I can as people do not deserve any form of hurt like this . err yeah thats it- you dont need to reply but I guess..yeah. I'll be posting aorund about so err yeah.