Hello everyone.. Where should I start.. I'm nearly 22, I'm good-looking, have many good friends, I'm talented at many things, and intelligent, so one should guess I'm happy with myself. Wrong. Browse down if not interested at all in what happened I've had so many horrible years behind me. It started when I was about 16 (the age one starts to become 'oneself'). I started to realise how much i hate this world because of people being selfish, disgusting, and so on, in general, the way the human and the world we humans created functions. I started to have depressions, smoked too much weed (this never had any 'bad' influence on exam results and so on but probably made me even more depressed) so that, at the age of 18, I decided to move to England where some relatives of mine live to sort of 'start a new life'. I dropped the cannabis for alcohol and had alcohol problems. Nevertheless, I still was still seen as the 'fun guy' even though people knew I was depressed. The thing here is that people say 'drugs, alcohol and so on are the reasons for your inner problems', that may be true in some or many cases, but in my case the consuming of cannabis and alcohol is the result of depression. Of course it then becomes a vicious circle but I must stress that it wouldn't have changed they way I felt or feel if I hadn't consumed that much. Anyway, I then wanted to kill myself because I was so unhappy with the world and the people and myself but changed my mind just before I was going to do it. I told myself ‘oh come on you’re only 18 and a young fool – things will get better. I got excellent A-level results and went back to Switzerland to study Psychology where all my close friends were/are. As time went on, I realised that what I told myself that day I wanted to commit suicide in England was simply not happening. Nothing was getting better. I had girlfriends who loved me very much from what I can tell but I never felt really happy or really in love. And love is something I really need. I hoped and hoped that everything would get better that one day I kind of broke down and couldn’t even get up in the morning anymore. So I got hospitalised for a while (after I wanted to kill myself once again but again changed my mind at the last moment), had to take a break on my studies and then came out with the same positive idea that ‘come on, it will get better’. I then got to start to know this wonderful girl when I was about 19. First we were kind of ‘friends’ (although we both never saw each other as friends) as she had lost her boyfriend (whom she loved a lot; he died which was very traumatic for her) and she wasn’t ready for a new relationship. We started spending several hours a day together just talking, and it took about a year for us to tell each other we had strong feelings for each other and an other half of a year till we finally were together ‘properly’ (before that everyone could see that we were obsessively in love already). So basically I had been waiting for her and just for her for more than a year. During my ‘waiting-time’ I never even touched an other woman, a) because I loved her so much and wasn’t interested in other women and b) because I didn’t want to hurt her (even though we rarely kissed at that time and I therefore hardly had any physical relations with women). I felt much better during that time because it was the first time I found ‘real love’, she gave me the strength to live and be optimistic about things. We were ‘properly’ together for over a year (it felt like 3 years because of what I described above and we probably knew each other better than ourselves), till she died in May because of a heart failure she had had since birth which became worse and worse over the years (she died two months after the doctors told her she had 2-6 months left to live if a new heart would not become available which it didn’t in such a short time). I lived for this girl. She was my all and everything. Before the doctors told her she had to die we were already planning on moving in together and went to look at furniture and so on and she even had told me that if I asked her if I wanted her to marry me she would say yes. We had so many plans together, we both thought ‘this is the one’. Now, since her death, a few months have gone by, and I have never felt worse. I found the one thing that could make me feel happy and it was so suddenly snatched away from me. I cry everyday, cannot even watch love movies or so, when I see happy couples the pain in my heart sometimes becomes so extreme that I wish someone would shoot me. Well anyway, since her death I have snapped. I’ve began smoking like a chimney again (I had stopped smoking thanks to her), I’ve been doing illegal things because I just don’t care anymore so that I will have to go to prison for five days if I cannot pay that huge fine, and I also have other debts. I still study, but quit my part-time job because I cannot really see the logic in working when I then just squander the money on alcohol and cannabis or whatever I just want to do that ‘will make me feel better for a moment’ like a good pizza or watching sport or going to the cinema or so. But all of this is just a waste of time and I am sick and tired of time without her. She once told me she could not live without me and it’s the same for me. I just can’t live without her. I think I have decided that I want to follow her. I believe in a life after death but I’m not at all religious (so please no solely-based-on-religion-answers), I simply believe that what happens after death is natural and has nothing to do with some god-like figure or so. But as we cannot really know what happens, if we even continue to exist in some manner, I am a bit scared that if I commit suicide I won’t be able to be with her again or that I will be punished in some manner (I don’t believe it, I see it as a possibility that seems unlikely). However, it is a huge decision for me to take whether to risk it to be even being worse on the other side (in the sense that I won’t be able to be with her) or to stay in this hell on earth. Therefore, this is my question main question: What happens after one commits suicide (mind/soul)? And as I was always hoping, in a delusional manner, that everything would get better (and she was the only thing in my whole life until now that really made me feel strong and want to live), why should I stay in this hell on earth? (Reminder: nearly all my plans are shattered because they were only possible with her next to me) Thank you very much for serious theories / thoughts… P.S. I am sorry if I told you half of my life story but I thought it might help you help me?