What happens when you allready are dead inside?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BrokenMe, Jul 30, 2007.

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  1. BrokenMe

    BrokenMe Member

    Well one thing i really want is happiness... i don't have a desire for material things... n'or do i want any extraordinary thing to happen i just want to be able to get over the past... to move on... and forget about "her"... it's been mor than three years now... and still time and time again i can't get her out of my mind... at least if she'd just let me be... but she keeps giving me false hope... i'm 21 now and my birthday last week seemed to be the worst day of my life... the night before my birthday... i just didn't want to make it 21... i didn't want to go on... the fact is that i hate myself... for not being able to go on... allthough i know it would be so easy to find someone else... i'm not half-bad looking... i'm shy but sometimes i can get over that with alcohol, anyway... i tryed... till about 1 year ago... still all this time i didn't forget for 1 second... not when i was with someone else... n'or when i was drunk... not a day... so... what now...? it's depressing and even more frustrating... cause in the end what i hate the most is the moment when after feeling too much pain... i end up feeling numb... completely numb... and that's how i've been for the last year... incapable to feel anything really... i feel dead already... sometimes i'd give anything for pain to come again... for tears to come to my eyes... at least i'd feel alive... and i'd try to hang on to that...
     
  2. BrokenMe

    BrokenMe Member

    do you know a reason to pretend to live if you are already dead inside? if you cannot feel anything anymore... not even pain sometimes... but never happiness...? i mean life is actually not a big deal... i sometimes wanted to do so many things before i go... but now... nothing seem woth even a second... i used to say i didn't want to dye without feelin some of the basic things in life... like making love... but for some time they all lost their meaning to me... and nothing makes sense anymore... nothing really matters... everything is broken, starting with myself...
     
  3. Cluster

    Cluster Active Member

    you arent alone, there are people that care about you, and there are people with similar problems to you. I too have many of the problems you've mentioned here, and finding the will to live, and strength. But I know that I should not try too hard, as it complicates things and makes everything worse. I have to try and relax and let life go by.
    I can only suggest you get professional help, because deep down, there is a person inside you who wants to break free from the dark and live. You still have many things ahead of you, which you will experience and you will appreciate life if you just hold on. "she" will eventually fade away, and there will be other girls, who will care enough about you to know if you are feeling this way. Don't give up, please.
     
  4. you search for new life
     
  5. BrokenMe

    BrokenMe Member

    nothing really matters anymore... bye... and if u can... don't make compromises in your lifes... try to be trully happy...
     
  6. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Hi Brokenme,

    I can relate to feeling like inside has already died, how u shut down from feelings that make u feel alive....

    It sounds to me (and I'm no expert) that u are severely depressed and should seek professional support to be able to work thru and understand ur past.
    Its difficult to forget someone or something when it had a massive impact on ur life, however, by talking thru those feelings the thoughts do become more controllable and aren't with u every second or everyday.

    U say nothing really matters anymore...U matter, everyone matters to at least one person.

    U can and will find happiness, probably when u least expect it....

    Here if you want to talk

    Lost xxx
     
  7. BrokenMe

    BrokenMe Member

    fuck this life... no actually i know life can be great... i just don't know how to make it that way... i always just mess up... i always manage to fuck up the few good things in my pathetic miserable and meaningless life... i tryed to talk to her... to know... if i could ever hope... and i couldn't... i just froze... it was so frustrating... i was bleeding inside, words cutting my soul and my heart wanting to come out... and yet i stood there and didn't say anything... i let her leave... maybe forever... she's going away for the rest of the summer... i wish i died on the way home... i don't know even now why i didn't crash... i don't want to remain crippeled... i... just don't know... i hate this... i try to be happy every day... i try... yet, by the end of the day i realise... i'm still crying... on the outside or on the inside... i hate who i am... i hate everything about me... and i't been the same now for 4 years... even before i met her... i think i'm just messed up... i think i should really just die... just fade away into sweet oblivion... into the nothingness beyond... always awaiting my angel to come and find my soul... lost now for such a long time...
     
  8. BrokenMe

    BrokenMe Member

    i know that many people have alot bigger problems than me... they keep telling me that... i know... that's why i don't get it... why am i so messed up... i'm tired of asking myself... i don't want to be tis way... i don't want this... i just want to be ok... why can't i?...
     
  9. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    It's not about whether your problems are worse than someone elses, it's how they affect you :hug:
     
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