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what happens when you stop wanting to get better

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PJLane, Jun 19, 2012.

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  1. PJLane

    PJLane Well-Known Member

    (im not 100% sure this is the right sub forum so if gets moved thats ok )

    So much of therapy, meds, all forums, all conversations, so much of depression is about wanting to get better, and how to get better, and things you want in the future. wishing you could change things, or be or feel a certain way.

    what do you do if you dont want to get better?
    Its not that things wont get better, i guess theres the possiblity that it might, but i dont want them to get better because i dont want to exist. i dont want to look out of these eyes, or be this person, have this brain. i fucking hate my own name so much i lie about it because its fucking awful (so it really suits me)

    I dont want to get better, i dont want to do anything, i have no hopes or aspirations or dream or wants. I wrote a list of things to do before i die - its come down to watching a tv series, and getting my things in order. i dont want to travel, or do or see anything now or in the future. because all those things, would be done as myself, and its myself that is the problem. if i could have a labotomy, sure then maybe keep going. but without that, i just dont want to live as this person.

    my therapist said to me 'if someone had cancer, that wouldnt be who they are, it would just be an illness - your depression isnt who you are, its just an illness'. And hes right, but im not even sure im depressed. i have a crap life, i cant survive this planet and its conditions, and i would just like to be removed from existance. Even if i wasnt depressed, it wouldnt change who i am. and its who i am that is the problem. no one ever seems to understand that point when i make it though.

    How are you meant to go on from this point? i dont see the point of taking my medications or seeing a therapist anymore, because ive made my decision. My doctor kept saying 'what can we do, how can we help?'. Well you cant, there is nothing to do. No about of CBT or meds will change the person i am, or the reality of life, and that i dont want it. I cant work, i cant leave the house, i just cant function anymore. i just feel like i need to lie down in a ditch and wait to die.

    does anyone else feel this way?

    ^^ sorrry this was way long so if you made it down here, heres a treat :moonwalk:
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear what you are saying i don't want to be here i don't want to try hell i don't want to be me YES you have depression and with that illness it makes everything so dam gray and it makes you want to just say the hell with everything i just want out Depression sucks it does and maybe you don't want to fight hun i get that but your family wants you too the people who care about you want you to and when you start getting out of that darkness you will want to fight too Depression makes you only see life in the negative it does I hope you continue to work with your team and i hope you start to see some light soon hugs
  3. bottleneck

    bottleneck Member

    I absolutely know what you're talking about - at least I think I do. I often believe and feel the same as you - about just wanting to stop existing. It's almost as if committing suicide is too dramatic - because it means you actually have to acknowledge that fact that you're existing enough to have to stop it - does that make sense? Wouldn't it be nice if we could just will ourselves to stop breathing and thinking?

    I hate talking to my therapist about the desire for death-because it comes out too dramatic, she gets concerned. That concern is bothersome. What is there to be concerned about? I'm still alive because I have kids - who I adore, and I have to keep going for them. But I often wish I had the insight to end myself before I became a parent.

    I know what you mean when you say if you weren't depressed it wouldn't change who you are because even in those moments where I can internally analyze how I'm feeling and I'm feeling satisfied or peaceful I still wouldn't mind if life ended right now. People don't understand because for some reason they like living, they like life. Which I don't get, I don't understand. They think because you don't like living you're ungrateful for the things you have or they mistake if for some desire for attention or whatever. But life is severely overrated. I don't think anything will ever change the way we feel about it - because it's never going to matter what we have or don't have, we're always going to feel like life is tedious.

    I'd say most people don't understand that feeling (based on my experience in wanting to talk about it, wanting them to make it okay for me to end) but I have come across one or two other people who feel the same way.
  4. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    I am there now I know exactly how you feel. raised up on hopes life would be like a disney movie having a happy ending but reality is life is always tragic things never add up just right to give you the will to keep going. after some time you start to feel like a porcelain doll looking at the world through glass eyes because all your emotions have dried up and your energy to keep going and keep trying to be happy is spent.
  5. shermana55

    shermana55 Active Member

    I am so glad I read this. i feel the exact same way. My therapists always ask me "Whats the problem" "Whats making you said" "Depression isn't who you are" and I keep telling them ITS ME thats the problem, it will never change. I just don't feel that I'm meant to be here. No medicine, nothing will cure me. I'm glad I'm not the only one out there.
  6. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    It's like that saying, what can be broken is meant to be broken. And I feel so twisted down inside, what would it matter if I fell off a cliff. The only reason I'm still here is fear of physical pain and suffering. There's a wall of agony that divides life and death, and only the really focused ones break through. I'd like to have that ability.
  7. aussiegal

    aussiegal Well-Known Member

    Yeah I get what you are all saying and glad I am not alone. If someone asks me what is wrong with u?... I have no answer. Its just me. There is nothing here for me. I dont feel pleasure out of anything i do in life. I just don't want to be in it. Tried medications, therapy etc. But none of it changes a thing. Yes i can understand when the psychologist says to change a certain way of thinking, but there is no point. I just want out. Nothing is that bad but nothing is worth sticking around for. Every single day is a battle to get out of bed, to work, to stay alive. I think about dying every single day of my life. I dont think i am really depressed at all. I think it is me who is the problem not depression.
  8. headonthedoor

    headonthedoor Member

    I've felt like that twice. Completely. I mean I spent months in bed and survived by the good will of others. Alternated between endless despair and pure rage. My memories of these episodes is really vague. With time and "happenings", that way of thinking has become almost normative. Like I couldn't care less if some fantastic thing was to happen to me in the future. It isn't worth THIS. And THIS has overwhelmed all aspects of my life. Now that my GF passed from love one day to not being able to deal with any of this anymore the next day after 11 years... well I have nothing else, I don't see the point in anything...
  9. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Everything you said really rings true to me...I know there's so much I want to do, but none of it will ever happen. Any happiness I ever had in life has been taken away from me. I haven't had even a sliver of anything good happen to me. It all just seems like a big joke. Sometimes I feel that my whole life is actually someone's nightmare and I'm just playing the parts. At least I hope that's all it is.
  10. aimlessdrifter

    aimlessdrifter Well-Known Member

    I completely understand.I feel exactly the same.I can totally relate to you!
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