(im not 100% sure this is the right sub forum so if gets moved thats ok )
So much of therapy, meds, all forums, all conversations, so much of depression is about wanting to get better, and how to get better, and things you want in the future. wishing you could change things, or be or feel a certain way.
what do you do if you dont want to get better?
Its not that things wont get better, i guess theres the possiblity that it might, but i dont want them to get better because i dont want to exist. i dont want to look out of these eyes, or be this person, have this brain. i fucking hate my own name so much i lie about it because its fucking awful (so it really suits me)
I dont want to get better, i dont want to do anything, i have no hopes or aspirations or dream or wants. I wrote a list of things to do before i die - its come down to watching a tv series, and getting my things in order. i dont want to travel, or do or see anything now or in the future. because all those things, would be done as myself, and its myself that is the problem. if i could have a labotomy, sure then maybe keep going. but without that, i just dont want to live as this person.
my therapist said to me 'if someone had cancer, that wouldnt be who they are, it would just be an illness - your depression isnt who you are, its just an illness'. And hes right, but im not even sure im depressed. i have a crap life, i cant survive this planet and its conditions, and i would just like to be removed from existance. Even if i wasnt depressed, it wouldnt change who i am. and its who i am that is the problem. no one ever seems to understand that point when i make it though.
How are you meant to go on from this point? i dont see the point of taking my medications or seeing a therapist anymore, because ive made my decision. My doctor kept saying 'what can we do, how can we help?'. Well you cant, there is nothing to do. No about of CBT or meds will change the person i am, or the reality of life, and that i dont want it. I cant work, i cant leave the house, i just cant function anymore. i just feel like i need to lie down in a ditch and wait to die.
does anyone else feel this way?
^^ sorrry this was way long so if you made it down here, heres a treat :moonwalk:
So much of therapy, meds, all forums, all conversations, so much of depression is about wanting to get better, and how to get better, and things you want in the future. wishing you could change things, or be or feel a certain way.
what do you do if you dont want to get better?
Its not that things wont get better, i guess theres the possiblity that it might, but i dont want them to get better because i dont want to exist. i dont want to look out of these eyes, or be this person, have this brain. i fucking hate my own name so much i lie about it because its fucking awful (so it really suits me)
I dont want to get better, i dont want to do anything, i have no hopes or aspirations or dream or wants. I wrote a list of things to do before i die - its come down to watching a tv series, and getting my things in order. i dont want to travel, or do or see anything now or in the future. because all those things, would be done as myself, and its myself that is the problem. if i could have a labotomy, sure then maybe keep going. but without that, i just dont want to live as this person.
my therapist said to me 'if someone had cancer, that wouldnt be who they are, it would just be an illness - your depression isnt who you are, its just an illness'. And hes right, but im not even sure im depressed. i have a crap life, i cant survive this planet and its conditions, and i would just like to be removed from existance. Even if i wasnt depressed, it wouldnt change who i am. and its who i am that is the problem. no one ever seems to understand that point when i make it though.
How are you meant to go on from this point? i dont see the point of taking my medications or seeing a therapist anymore, because ive made my decision. My doctor kept saying 'what can we do, how can we help?'. Well you cant, there is nothing to do. No about of CBT or meds will change the person i am, or the reality of life, and that i dont want it. I cant work, i cant leave the house, i just cant function anymore. i just feel like i need to lie down in a ditch and wait to die.
does anyone else feel this way?
^^ sorrry this was way long so if you made it down here, heres a treat :moonwalk: