What happens...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sithspit, Feb 21, 2008.

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  1. sithspit

    sithspit Well-Known Member

    What happens when this place just turns into somewhere else to put on a front?

    I've been putting on a mask of happiness and content for about 4 years now. I do this to everyone - to my family to stop them freaking out, to my friends to stop being alienated, and from my girlfriends to stop them thinking I was an emotional wreck and leaving me (although they did anyway). Also, because I work in retail I have to put on a forced smile anyway, so I only let myself go and act "normally" (eg, suicidal) when there's no-one else around. That's why I thought this place was so great, because I didn't have to put on my fake-happiness and jokey nature (which I'm constantly told is "hilarious", even though I wish I could just be normal).

    Problem is, this place is like any other forum - it has it's own cliques and groups of friends, groups to which I am a stranger. That's not anyones fault, it's the same in all walks of life. But because I'm a loner here as I am in the real world, I feel like I have to fake myself here as I do everywhere else. I posted my problems on here, and the thread sank without a single reply. I feel this place is just somewhere else for me to be alone amidst everyone else, and when the refuge turns into the rest of the world, what do you do?
  2. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    Hey sithspit, I remember reading your other post. I'm sorry I didn't have a response for you at the time but rest assured that I did read it and the reason I didn't reply had nothing to do with you personally, I just didn't have the words for you. Maybe it was similar for some of the other members here.

    The whole world is full of groups of friends, a bit like high school all over again, isn't it? You sound like a pretty decent person, you just need to put some of that shyness aside and say hello. There's nothing wrong with being a loner as long as it is a path you choose and are perfectly content with it, I'm a loner myself, I always have been and I always will be. For a very long time I did everything I could to try and fix that, to be more outgoing and confident because all the outgoing people seemed so happy while I was completely miserable. The end of the experience came when I realized that rather than change who I was, I should have accepted it and built on my strong points to show my true character instead of putting up a front and pretending to be something I wasn't.

    I know how it feels to walk around and see everyone having a good time with their friends, to detest those people for possessing the things I secretly longed for, I'd find so many flaws with those people and reasons why the world was messed up because people like that were happy and nice people like me were miserable. It never occurred to me that I might be the one that was wrong and not the rest of the world, it did in time, but during that time I was a very depressed individual.

    I can see this post is getting long so I'll try to wrap it up. The thing is, you're ok the way you are, you can have friends that love you, feel content and still be a loner. Things began to improve for me the moment I took my future into my own hands and started making changes to the way I lived. Eating healthier, exercising, forcing myself to look people in the eyes while speaking to them, keeping my head up while walking, smiling at perfect strangers and saying hello, it's hard to explain why but little things like this make a person feel more sure of themselves, more confident and comfortable with who they are. Even now I still take my personal alone time very seriously and I won't change that part of me for anyone. People can see that sort of feeling in a person, it's in the way they speak, the way they move, the way they look at you. All the little things you don't think about that the body sees and takes into account when forming an impression of someone.

    In short, sithspit, just try being friendly and saying "Hey, what's up?" the next time you enter a chat room or come across someone new in real life. You'll be nervous the first few times, very nervous, but that's completely normal and fades away with experience. I never thought I could be one of those people you see walking down the corridor waving at and greeting people, one of those people I used to watch for so long and secretly hate for having the friends I didn't. I know it's difficult to push the shyness down, but try, you really are only limited by your imagination. People have so much potential and unless you're an alien, you can do it, don't give up.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2008
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I know it can be hard until you get to know people here. You don't have to put up a front with us. Be yourself. We accept people for who they are. As you get to know people, you will feel more comfortable. :hug:
  4. NuPrime33

    NuPrime33 Member

    yea, i've been depressed for about 3 years now. but i don't hide my depression lol:laugh: it's quite apparent. people just leave me alone, and i've become accustom to it. i enjoy being alone now. be yourself, don't feel pressured to not express who you are. but hey, i'd think twice about taking advice from a depressed person anyways rofl. cya:wink:
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