What have I become?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ScarsandHopes, Jan 28, 2009.

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  1. ScarsandHopes

    ScarsandHopes Well-Known Member

    Last night, a horrible thing happened..

    My sister is moving about 7 states away to be with her married boyfriend she met a couple of weeks ago online. She's renting a truck for all of her stuff. Given that it's a 20-25 hour drive, she knew she'd be tired along the way. So, she asked me for a gram of meth, and she was willing to pay $300 for it.. I said no, not because I knew it was bad for her, but instead because I'm greedy and wanted it for myself.

    I went to sleep and woke up in a seizure attack, sweaty with the night still in mind, I realized something. I didn't even think about her 4-year old son that would be in the passenger seat.

    What the fuck have I become? The thought never crossed my mind until then. I said no to the deal because I want it to myself, not because of his safety.. That's fucked up.

    This proves to me that I need to die soon. I've become a fucking monster, and I don't DESERVE to live. When did I screw my life up? When did I become a monster?
  2. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    First of all you should get off the meth, that only makes things worse.

    Second of all, since you realized that thinking like that is wrong it proves you are not a monster. You just messed up a bit.
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi scarsandhopes. First of all, you're not a monster for not considering her 4 year old son. If she had smoked the meth and got into an accident, then that would be entirely her fault. I guess you would be an enabler, but she could have gotten the meth from a drug dealer, or cooked it up herself. I think you both need to quit crystal meth though. That stuff will rot your teeth and mess your brains up. :hug:
  4. ergo51

    ergo51 Well-Known Member

    You did realize.

    Your post seems to communicate that ultimately you do have a grip on what really matters, not that you're a monster

    Is your sister and her boy o.k?

    Not regarding the distance travelled, more the circumstances they are travelling to.....that is the married bf she met online 'a few weeks ago' :blink:

    I don't know the circumstances but I do feel alarm bells ringing................
  5. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi. you are NOT a monster. ok. for sure. you are NOT. you are a human being.

    you are precious. rare. lovely. wonderfully made. you are amazing. you are human.

    ok. you reached out here. . . . that shows that you are yearning for healing, for connection, for life. if you leave here, the world will be LESS.

    you are important. you are not a monster. don't say that to yourself hun, say kind things to yourself.

    i want you to be kind to YOU. and we all know, drugs are well, they're bad. sorry. channeling my mom-persona.

    can you keep safe? can you keep in touch here? pm me, we can talk.
    are you in a treatment program?
    there IS hope. ok? keep reaching out. .
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