What have I done to deserve this?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sd-239192, Apr 20, 2009.

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  1. sd-239192

    sd-239192 Well-Known Member

    Hello, my friends the few i have call me Rich

    I once had a happy life, my family loved me and loved one another. I had my inspiration, my mentor who I loved very much. I had one home and one life, but that was long ago. My mentor died of a long standing illness it was curable but the doctors did little because of his lack of insurance and old age, he died suffering nothing pained me more. His family soon divided up his earthly belongings a number of which were willed to me, this was days after his death they showed no remorse i on the other hand was heartbroken at both his death and the coldness of them. soon thereafter we moved from my old town leaving everything i knew behind. In my new town i was picked on for being an "outsider" and for being overweight. Soon i learned that my parents had waited for my mentor's death to move thinking it would effect me less if he was dead when we were separated.

    Now trying to pick up the pieces my parents marriage starts to fall apart. I now fall asleep to the sounds of yelling from them, it soon gets so bad i can no longer sleep even today without hearing voices that keep me awake. they put me in the middle many times, and many times things became violent. in these fights i have been beaten, struck, and strangled. the worst my own father turned a gun on me. I still have nightmares of that night. now my parents are apart yet they still fight on the phone, hate mail, they even yell at me as a replacement for the other.

    I just cant take it anymore, neater of them can understand my suffering because of them, and they condemn me for it. My mother once saw a mark on my wrist i got yelled at for it, it was a "sinful act" and a "crime on your religion" now i hide the marks better to make sure no one sees, but its becoming hard. i don't know what to do anymore, i have become numb to life, i feel nothing but pain anymore. and its more pain then i could ever handle, i turn to cutting more and more i love the feeling now, i want to stop but i cant. i have gone too far a number of timed but failed. i have tried OD, hanging, and cutting but failed every time. I now feel i am serving some kind of penance for a crime i don't know of maybe a crime i haven't even committed yet. I just want this suffering to stop i want to go back to my happy life, to sit with my mentor and hear his stories again, to be loved by my family, to know what it is to be happy again. Why do i have to go through this? why?
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You don't deserve to be put in the middle and hurt because your parents can't get along.

    Is there any way you can move out on your own? That way, they wouldn't be able to put you in the middle of their drama.

    I'm around a lot, so you can PM me anytime if you want to talk.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You have been through so much pain, but it is clearly not because you have done something wrong...it may feel like you are being punished, but I do not believe we have that much power in life...please know there are ppl here who do understand what you are going through...know how important it is for you to find someone to talk to...no one can replace your mentor, but others can serve to support and hold you while you are going through this difficult time...so sorry about your loss, and the instability in your home, big hugs, J
  4. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi rich.
    welcome to s.f.

    i am sorry for your home situation, and for the loss of your beloved mentor.

    your home life, concerns me a great deal, especially as you mentioned emotional and physical abuse. it is severe abuse, if your father threatened you with a weapon.

    i am not sure of your age, but even though your parents now live apart, is it possible for you to live on your own, as well? it seems you are still being subjected to emotional abuse. it can be as traumatic and damaging to your soul, as physical abuse is to soul and body.

    pm if you want to talk, and please stay here with us and try to find support. there are many wonderful people here who will accept you and be your friend.
  5. sd-239192

    sd-239192 Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately I am unable to leave my home to go out on my own as of just yet, in less then a year and a quarter I will be able to go into collage where I plan on rooming... but that's another year I have to spend here every day seems to last forever here
    Due to self stupidity I left the relative safety of my room without my wristband on... my mother saw some old marks on my wrist, now she has me seeing a psychiatrist two times a week and I'm getting more antidepressants that I can remember the names of (The mix also does not agree with me on any level)
    They don't know the full extent only that I "once" tried it. I cant take this much longer they are doing more harm then good, and my psychiatrist continues to relay anything personal to my mother which I'm sure isn't legal.
    All I have now are my few close friends one of whom is also a cutter who I hold feelings for. I'm trying to be strong for her because I care about her so much and when she cuts it hurts worse then any of my knives.
    I wish everyone could be more accepting and not so ready to shove pills down my thought or lock me up in some padded room.
  6. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    You can yell at your psychiatrist for breaking confidentiality. They can only speak to others if you are planning to harm yourself or commit a crime. You can also try appealing to their superior and tell them that your psychiatrist is in violation of protocol.

    A cutting tip; if you want to hide it, do it on the upper leg. Even shorts or bathing suits cover that area. Also try to put some disinfectant on the wounds when you cut - an infection will give you away and hurt like hell.
  7. sd-239192

    sd-239192 Well-Known Member

    Thanks I thought it was Illegal for him to do that, and as for the tip hopefully I wont need to use it but ill take it to mind...
  8. sd-239192

    sd-239192 Well-Known Member

    I told my father tonight about the cutting... my parents knew all along... they just played along hoping i would ether get better or come forward and tell them... they played me for an idiot, they fooled me into thinking i was safe from them... i was wrong... he talked tried to find out what he and my mother did wrong to make me like this... i told him everything and he denied every last word of it... called it pure bullshit... that my "convoluted logic" has "falsified and warped my recollection of everything"... the entire story he told was one sided, all "I only wanted this" or "i only wanted that from you" I...I...I... i cant stand it anymore! its always about them their issues their horrible treatment of everything... i was played like a idiot... hook line and sinker... i cant live like this anymore, they want it to be about them then fine I will just go out of the picture...
  9. sd-239192

    sd-239192 Well-Known Member

    Their is something worse going on now... someone close to me told my parents a long time ago, i only divulged this to a few before yesterday... My Father refuses to tell me the name of this one who told him... he told me "when your 21 ill tell you their name"... what kind of jackass thing is that? i feel betrayed, i only have a few close to me as it is now i don't even know if i can trust them. this is not at all helping things i cant get my head around who it could be... for all i know it might not even be a friend but someone who happened to glance and see marks? i don't know if that is possible at this point, but i cant keep track of everyone i come in contact with... god I'm so confused, how can someone who was possibly entrusted with this knowledge under good faith do this to me? i don't think i can trust any of them now i may just be paranoid...

    Doctor oh Doctor please give me pleasant news..."
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Because you are a minor, the person you told felt they had to tell your parents...confidentiality is vague when a minor indicates that s/he might injure him/her self...when you speak to your pdoc next time, maybe it would be helpful to discuss the boundaries...what s/he will tell your parents and what s/he will not...J
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