Hello, my friends the few i have call me Rich I once had a happy life, my family loved me and loved one another. I had my inspiration, my mentor who I loved very much. I had one home and one life, but that was long ago. My mentor died of a long standing illness it was curable but the doctors did little because of his lack of insurance and old age, he died suffering nothing pained me more. His family soon divided up his earthly belongings a number of which were willed to me, this was days after his death they showed no remorse i on the other hand was heartbroken at both his death and the coldness of them. soon thereafter we moved from my old town leaving everything i knew behind. In my new town i was picked on for being an "outsider" and for being overweight. Soon i learned that my parents had waited for my mentor's death to move thinking it would effect me less if he was dead when we were separated. Now trying to pick up the pieces my parents marriage starts to fall apart. I now fall asleep to the sounds of yelling from them, it soon gets so bad i can no longer sleep even today without hearing voices that keep me awake. they put me in the middle many times, and many times things became violent. in these fights i have been beaten, struck, and strangled. the worst my own father turned a gun on me. I still have nightmares of that night. now my parents are apart yet they still fight on the phone, hate mail, they even yell at me as a replacement for the other. I just cant take it anymore, neater of them can understand my suffering because of them, and they condemn me for it. My mother once saw a mark on my wrist i got yelled at for it, it was a "sinful act" and a "crime on your religion" now i hide the marks better to make sure no one sees, but its becoming hard. i don't know what to do anymore, i have become numb to life, i feel nothing but pain anymore. and its more pain then i could ever handle, i turn to cutting more and more i love the feeling now, i want to stop but i cant. i have gone too far a number of timed but failed. i have tried OD, hanging, and cutting but failed every time. I now feel i am serving some kind of penance for a crime i don't know of maybe a crime i haven't even committed yet. I just want this suffering to stop i want to go back to my happy life, to sit with my mentor and hear his stories again, to be loved by my family, to know what it is to be happy again. Why do i have to go through this? why?