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What have I DONE?!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by loljenny91, Apr 6, 2008.

  1. loljenny91

    loljenny91 Member

    The only way I can fully describe how I'm feeling is if I start from the beginning, which I must warn you now means that this may be a very LONG story. You can either bear with me, or read it in small doses, or not read it at all. Though I do hope for responses, helpful or otherwise. Ok, here goes...

    Around October 2007, I met this girl. She's intelligent, speaks her mind most/all of the time, radiant, and best of all, completely and utterly unique. She's totally unpredictable. So I wasn't particularly surprised that she is very interested in tarot reading, and does a lot herself. It made me admire her even more, despite hardly knowing her at this point. I guess you could say I kind of... "fancied" her. I should say now that I am gay. SHOCK!

    I wasn't in love with her, because my heart belonged to someone else at the time. However, one day she decided to give me a tarot reading. It was all hugely overwhelming for various reasons, so after the reading I ended up breaking down into tears. She took me out the room away from everyone staring and asked "Why did my reading make you cry?". She didn't have an annoyed tone to her voice, more like an intrigued one. I didn't really want to tell her about the things troubling me, but I had bottled it up for so long I ended up blurting it out anyway. I told her all about the person I loved but couldn't have, the heartbreak and 2/3 year turmoil I went through, the fact that I couldn't tell anyone and if I did they wouldn't be accepting of my sexuality. Most importantly however, I told her what I feared to tell anyone. I came out the closet to this girl I had only properly started talking to a couple of weeks before.

    I was stunned to discover that her reaction was simply perfect. She smiled, put her head to one side and said "I knew you were going to say that.". It had seemed that she could look right through me, as nobody else could ever guess my sexuality, simply because I act more straight than I am. I realised that this girl was a lot more than a tarot reading beauty, and I suddenly adored everything about her even more.

    As time went on, I grew closer and closer to this girl. Eventually, we became best friends. She would somehow sense whenever I was feeling down and she would take me somewhere private and let me talk it out. All my bottled up feelings came out in small doses, thanks to her simply listening and giving the best pieces of advice I've ever received. We'd have many laughs along the way and she made me a much happier person generally. I managed to tell her about my father dying 2 years ago, about how my mother and step-father now treat me badly after finding out (the hard way) that I am gay, and other things that haunt me most days. She spiritually reconnected me to my father, and advised me to not let the bad judgements bother me, and I couldn't thank her enough for the time and effort she's given me. As she continued to help me however, I grew more and more guilty, as if I were burdening her. She was the only help I had and I felt like I kept pestering her, so I held back most times, even when I really wanted to talk to her. She later told me that she enjoyed talking to me, she enjoyed the fact that I bug her, she enjoyed being adored in the way that I do to her. I fell in love with her, and I told her this. Again, her reaction was perfect, just not as perfect as I would've hoped. She isn't gay. Though I feel that it has brought us closer as friends.

    Now it's been the Easter holidays for the past 2 weeks, so I haven't seen her. Family life had gotten ten times worse and my idea of a Saturday night involved me sitting on my bed and crying. I've wanted to talk to her, to find her and meet up with her, but like I said before, I'm too convinced that she will get annoyed. Maybe I should find other help, but nothing would be as good as she is, and besides, I'm in love with her still. So I argued it out in my head and eventually sent her a simple message. I needed her help and the only way I was going to get it if I asked for it. I had sent the message over a week ago, and she still hasn't replied. I check it every single day, and I know that she's read it because it says that she has. So why hasn't she responded? Has she finally cracked and realised I am too insecure and too dependent for my own good? Have I just ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me? The next time I'll see her is at school, on Thursday. My heart races at the thought of her ignoring me, getting angry with me, or even breaking our friendship. Could I possibly be just paranoid, and she's actually too busy to respond to my message? I feel terribly selfish, which is why I end up getting upset a lot. I need her company. She is still my best friend, and I still love her.

    Sorry this was so long, I could've just said: "I love my best friend but she's ignoring me what do I do?" but I don't think that would've captured the thoughts screaming in my mind right now. Thanks!
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Don't take this wrong PLEASE...read the whole thing and have no idea where her life is at. :unsure:
    Is she in a relationship, working whatever.
    Reason I mention it is she may well be busy, know I don't always respond to friends when overwhelmed with personal stuff :blink:
    Am assuming you have been in touch since you said you loved her and that all was well?
    Anyway, if you are seeing her thursday I'd take a few deep breaths and try to avoid letting imagination run away with you (have had the horrible scenarios in my own head where shit hits fan and relationships take nose dives) and when you do see her let her know how glad you are to meet again but don't pressure her and see how she reacts.
    I hope it all goes well, losing a best friend was one of the most painful things to happen to me in my teens. :sad:
  3. loljenny91

    loljenny91 Member

    Oh, I should've mentioned more about her, sorry about that. :rolleyes:
    She was in a relationship but just recently he broke up with her. She was pretty distraught but the relationship wasn't particularly long (about a month, I think) and she got over it quite quickly. Now, she's single and I'm not sure whether she's looking or not.
    I had been in touch with her since I told her I loved her. Like I said, she's been a fantastic friend. It just seems as though I've done something else to irritate her, and I don't want to irritate her even more by asking what I've done. It's like I'm going in circles and I can't handle it, and on top of that I have a terrible jealousy problem (which luckily I can manage to keep to myself, but it still bugs me in my own mind).
    Want to know more?
  4. i'll start by saying that i am a jew. in my faith, there is a concept called the Lamed Vav Tzadikim Nistarim, or the '36 hidden righteous people'. basically, there are 36 absolutely righteous men and women in this world at any given time that serve to justify the purpose of mankind in the eyes of God. they do not know that they are the 36 Tzadikim; they simply live completely righteous lives. i guess the Tzadikim are the closest jewish equivalent of saints.

    as you describe her, this girl sounds to me like a Tzadik. in any case, you recognize that she is someone special; if i were in your situation, i would just contact her again and trust that any delay in her response is only a practical one and that it is forthcoming.

    that's my two cents. i envy that you have such a special person in your life; what i wouldn't give to have someone like that in mine.