What have we done to ourselves; what have I done to me?

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by etakuramnasmekh, Jul 3, 2012.

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  1. Time and place have taken much, and my own fooolsihness even more. Yes, blame can also be laid at others', too. But I know I am where I am now because of me.
    I have health and relative comfort, and a few people to converse with; no I am not desperate. I also don't pine for the past (I do though, cherish those memories).
    I have near 50 years of living experiences, so, for perspective, there can be wisdom, and also, thus, sarcasm and disdain.
    It is just that there is just something within that keeps saying "go", and so little around me that says "stay"...
    [pauses, looks out the window, repeatedly types words and removes them, and then just hits Enter]
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Hello and welcome.. I am 15 or so yrs older than you.. You are rite the past is just that.. Past!!! All you really have is the here and now. Can't help but thubk we get out of that what we put intoo it.. Done preaching philosophizing..lol

    We are a friendly bunch and rarely bite.. Take a look at all the forums.. Find some that touch some nerves then please post again.. Chat rooms usually have someone in them.. Got any questions about this place please let us know..

    Take care, Jim
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi eta....... :) That "just something within".......... negative or positive?......... an invitation/opportunity for self-awareness/discovery........ I know it's only now, (approaching 60 in a few years) that I'm able to make sense of a whole lotta stuff that made no sense before. If I had gone, this could not be happening. Staying might appear much harder for little return, but part of the discovery has been in understanding why.

    It always pays to stay :)
  4. The "something within" - the "I"; the awareness. Me, it. For whatever it is worth, a bit more on it all.

    At the turn of the century I took a tour of the USA. I was semi retired, and had everything anyone could want; something I had basically had since I graduated high school. This was the plateau, and for a few more years, living was perfect; frustrating at times, but excellent.

    I always had a high sex drive, and that was the source of the frustration and, eventually the cause of my leaving that situation. (I knew about the "grass not being greener on the other side", but still, I went. I did find some amazing and wondrous things!) Shortly thereafter, almost suddenly, I lost that drive. I believe it was from tapering off from the antidepressant SSRI's (mainly Effexor) I had been on for years. It is just gone now; everything works, but I could care less.

    Then the bottom dropped out of the Capitalist Ponzi system we all knew and loved. I lost a great job with a lay-off. I had always been able to say "I loved my job". When I worked, it was creative and rewarding, and I always paid my bills. (To this day, I have only once paid a finance charge, many years ago.)

    I was never a friendly type, had been married since the mid 80's and suddenly, found myself alone, living off my savings (and the 99 Weeks) and oblivious to the future.

    I then moved in with an ex-wife (time passes...) and after about 3 years' search, found a job that is the opposite of being creative. One which expects 10 hours a day and pays for 8.5 (it is "salary" so they can get away with it, but there's a "timeclock"). I have holes in my resume from consulting, have no nepotisitc ties to my "Little Town", and who needs thinkers ans visualists anymore; we have computers programmed in India and operators working in East Anystan, so read your script and quit complaining...

    I live alone. I get home past dinner time and am in bed by 10 - usually by first checking my email, then flipping on the TV, watching the nightly negative news and trying to ignore the absolutely stupid drivel called entertainment; flipping through the 13 channels of poop for a half hour or so. I then out the light.

    Maybe I should date again, but I have nothing to offer, no money for trinkets, no confidence for myself, and so much fear and apprehension; I have no reserves, no backup plan.

    My eyes have been dry, needing drops nightly, I am just so tired, too. I have always loved music, and in the past few months my years-old tinnitus has climbed almost exponentially - it is LOUD now. My dexterity (I used to build models) is a fragment of what it was, and there's the newfound aches and pains from TV commercials now, too. Being employed again, I have insurance, so when I thought I was having heart trouble I went to the ER.

    Well everything is normal, tests for everything above and more are OK. After the deductible and what isn't covered, I still spent 1/4 of what I had re-saved. I now have in the bank only about 5% of what I once had; I also had to pay the IRS last year a gob for having to raid my 401k.

    I almost moved away from this mid-west place last year, when there was still enough to cover the cost. I let that deadline pass and am now where I am, now.

    Hope? Little. Salvation; Atheist. Dreams and goals? None. But yes, I am alive....

    Thank you for listening.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 4, 2012
  5. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Wow... that's quite a story. I can relate to a lot of your feelings. I don't have any constructive advice, but I do offer you my condolences... and I was happy to listen.

    I hope you can find more reasons to "stay" a bit longer... you may believe that the world no longer needs thinkers and visualists, but for one pine for the old days when people did use their minds more. Can't say I'm impressed with this "new world" that we're all stuck living in. I intend to stay in this fortress of my old world mentalities until the inevitable collapse of the unsustainable modern world. And yes, mark my words, it will collapse... it's not a matter of if, only a matter of when. And when that day comes, I hope we do still have people like you left to help rebuild it back to the way it was supposed to be all along.
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Thank you eta - it was good to read more about you and your life.

    I'm not one for pious platitudes that do nothing more than try to stick a band-aid on a heamorrage - but I do know that deep within, there is every hope that you can and will surface your life as it is now, and that you can integrate it into a "whole" - including the bits you wish had never happened.

    I am not here to "push" belief - only to say that, if anyone is thinking about exploring it, there is a whole new world in the Spirit that certainly exists, and is there to discover. But I'm not saying any "you shoulds" or "you musts" because that would be stupid. :)

    But, I did see a funny church sign the other day: GOD DOES NOT BELIEVE IN ATHEISTS - THEREFORE ATHEISTS DO NOT EXIST.

    It might cheer you up to ponder that for a moment - the thinking behind the label you've given yourself, of 'atheist'.

    As was said between Nic Cage and - oh, that blonde actress - name on tip of tongue but can't quite download it in "City of Angels" - Cameron Diaz, just remembered her! : "Some things are true, whether you believe in them or not".

    And one of the things that is true, whether you believe it, or even want to believe it, is that what we see and experience in this life is temporal - it does not mean that this is all there is.

    And that is what gives me hope to keep going, and keep on in my situation, in spite of the dumb things I have done. God truly understands them, so I've discovered. :)
  7. Ah, but the God/god; the boson's mark?

    Who wants to lust for a forever in eternity everlasting where no one's poop stinks, no one whines, Jee-sus and Allah saunter in the ether and everyone just exists serving the "god-of-the eons" with gold, Frankenstiens and mud? Hoping for something better on the other side... No, it is only just the other side - of what? To me, death is just the end of the be; the end of being.

    Quoting a film of note (now, friend, you have done it, I will need to place a TM or (R) after everthing now) "Even in the future, the sweet is never as sweet, without the sour." Or, more to the point, "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."

    To try. Like today, a free day. What is worse, codependenting on a codependant or being a fool's fool? To have spent the day living and laughing because a female friend was bored, or to have blown off a chance to spend time with another female friend and her kid pretending to care?

    Why is gender such a hindereance?

    Maybe I should have stayed home and stared out the window, or maybe tried to just connect with someone with more sincerity or stability? Or , aw, never mind. I need to go to bed.

    Thank you all again for listeining.
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    But it's impossible to imagine what will be on the other side - our eternity....... believers can't even imagine it accurately, except that there will be no more tears, and we'll see things in their true light. Poop won't exist because we won't have bodies as we do on earth :)

    Gender is something that helps us think ....... relationship is what our lives consist of. When they fail or are stretched, reality bites and we come to know ourselves more - our motivations, what we truly desire.

    Allah seems to promise the patriarchals endless virgins - how about that for wishful thinking, lol :)

    I'm sincere and stable enough to at least try to connect, if that's what you were referring to in your last sentence but one. Someone who tries to see reality clearly - in its 2-dimensions. If this isn't for you, fair enough, each to their own, and I hope you do find renewed hope and strength :)
  9. I guess maybe I am just to harsh at times, I just need to vent at times.
    The anguish of existance it is.
    Life goes on (Obla Daa, Obla Dee).
  10. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I think you'll find it's the other way around :)

    Obla dee - Obla daa

    Venting is all good. It's what we're becoming inside that's important... In that becoming there's going to be times when we have to vent, and call people by unsavoury sounding describing words :)
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