What I am, and what I'm doing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SkootyToot, Oct 23, 2007.

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  1. SkootyToot

    SkootyToot New Member

    This isn't a plee for help.
    Or a need for attention.

    simply put, it's me voicing my thoughts to a crowd of people I don't know and will never meet.

    I'm an 18 year old male, and I might live near you. For months now I've been feeling an insatiable urge to cut, hurt, OD.

    Recently I've moved out of my parents house and into my own apartment with a friend of mine; He's hardly ever around, because of his girlfriend he tends to stay at her place for weeks on end. As such, I find that I'm alone almost all of the time except for when people randomly show up at my place...irritating for the most part, because more often than not, they're not people I'd want to talk to about anything.

    Always alone in my apartment, really gets on a persons mind...

    You start to think about things.

    How happy am I in my life?. What have I accomplished up to now?. Where am I going?. What am I going to do?.

    Always alone.

    As a child I grew up playing outside with a number of people including my older sister and my younger sister, starting at the age of 12 my sister introduced me to the world of computers, and though at the time the best thing on the market was a Pentium 2/3 I still neglected the outside world and constantly hid in my virtual reality, often times I did this to escape life, and the ever dull and meaningless existence that happened to follow me around.

    A couple years later I started to make friends, and soon had my own group of people whom I constantly would be around. These were good people, we did our own thing, never pushing people or pressuring them into doing things.

    We drank, and laughed, and had fun, we smoked blunts and would sit at my computer and/or Television watching neat youtube movies or DvD's. It was a fun time for me, and I was never alone.

    More and more I found people would drift away slowly, moving to different places. My former girlfriend and best friend were killed in a collision coming back from the city, and my addiction for drugs increased as a result.

    Always alone in my apartment, friends never come to visit me, no one calls. I've always been self conscious of the person my friends see me as, so when I feel that they found something they don't like about me, I change so as not to make them angry.

    You will know me as Skooty.

    I used to hang out with a girl back in High school, art 11 was a grand year for me. When she walked in and we started talking to each other my life changed for the best. We did everything together, we would ski, and talk to each other about anything that was plaguing our minds. Our friendship soon progressed to something more, we would spend hours in my room and hers talking and holding each other on comfy sheets of fabric.

    A couple months after that we didn't see each other much, and soon did our own things with other people. for a year after that I dated someone else, never feeling fully complete and never being 100% truthful, because I knew I still had feelings for the first girl.

    She was the best friend I've ever had in my short 18 years on this world, and when she started going out with another one of my friends I was let down, depressed and out of place I'd leave for weeks, even months on end without a word to them. They've been dating for nearly a year now.

    A couple months later I started being around them again, and it soon felt like old times, occasionally I would get a prick of jealousy towards her and my friend, but never spoke about it.

    I started hanging out with my friends sister, whom conveniently enough for me had a long hatred for the man whom was dating the girl I had loved. His sister was a long friend of her and my younger sister for many years in the past, and though the both of us had never been around each other as true friends, we now joined forces. Gaining allies everywhere, I would make claims of Mutually Beneficial Friendships to all of my friends and surrounding people bringing them closer together. A fellowship if you will.

    Stronger and stronger we created our influence over people, and information on anything within the city was at our fingertips, particularly mine. Being the creator and co founder of the whole thing I soon spoke to my friend who I had joined forces with, lets call her Toot.

    Even though I had become one of Toots Brothers best friends, I still harbored a desire for ultimate revenge and hatred against him, fueled by the ambition to reclaim what I had lost so long ago in the past, I carefully plotted mine and Toots every move, up to the grand finally.

    Slowly I would establish my friendship with the woman I loved and all of her friends over a matter of weeks, gaining information and power through conversation and actions. Toot carefully spoke to her and my younger sister about her brothers bad deeds, everything we could hold against him we did, but I made sure Toot did most of the work.

    A number of events ensued that I had not taken into consideration that month, starting with the birthday of our common Enemy and the week vacation my love had planned months ago to see her father.

    She had been planning on breaking it off with him earlier that week, but with the vacation and the birthday of 'him' that all changed very quickly. I told her I liked her still, that I had made a mistake in the past and wondered if I could ever reclaim the glory I once possessed, the closeness we once had, and the love we had lost.

    I told her I've liked her ever since that time so many years ago, careful to not go overboard, she told me she still really cared for me and felt the same way, but couldn't decide what to do with 'him'. She feels trapped.

    Recently I've found that cutting my wrists...not to kill...but to feel...something, anything makes it all okay. One of my other close friends totally unrelated to the topic at hand cuts herself. How am I supposed to disapprove of her actions when I feel the same lust for pain and feeling?.

    I know it's bad, so why do I do it?.
  2. SkootyToot

    SkootyToot New Member

    Hi, it's me Skooty again.

    Just got back from my friends apartment, and it seems that my loves boyfriend has been kicked out of school, because he wasn't attending class. Harsh, but it still helps me in the plan to ninja her away.

    She's so angry at him...

    Probably at me to, I used her 20$ lol >.<
  3. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    OK, I read the whole thing. So basically you're trying to get back with your ex right? And you're getting your friends to do it and get their hands dirty.

    Just an observation.. but your post sounds very cheesy and childish.

    just the word choices you've used... forming "mutual beneficial" friendship, "information" at your fingertips, being the "co-founder" of your little group, exercising influence over other kids, ambition to "reclaim" your glory.

    you sound like a lil' 10-year old kid scheming of taking over the world or something.
    (picture you like Mr.Skinner coming up with an evil plan and rubbing his hands, saying 'ex~cellent!' in Simpson's)

    I mean... just what the hell are you trying to say? You don't seem to have any personal problem at all, maybe you felt the need to vent on the suicide forum.

    Anyway good luck with getting her back.
  4. SkootyToot

    SkootyToot New Member

    All except for the age approximation, yes I am devising an evil scheme to get her back.

    And stoned, so very very stoned.
  5. blade

    blade Well-Known Member

    hey hun (L)
    how r u today?????

    sorry what uve gone through :(
    but lets put it like this .
    what ever has happened in the past has happened. its what u chose for ur self in the future and what u want out of it..... does that make sense?

    im here anytime if u want to talk.. :)
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