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what I been keeping inside for so long..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by littleturtle, Jan 16, 2010.

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  1. littleturtle

    littleturtle Member

    I'm scared. I remember when I was younger (12-14), I used to always tell my friends how I could never see myself live past 25 and I'd probably die early. I'm scared it might just turn out that way. I'm in a dark place right now. I been entertaining myself with the thought of suicide for weeks now.

    I'm 19 years old and a first year college student. When the holidays began, I really had a lot of time to myself to reflect on everything. I finally realized who I am, instead of lying to myself. I'm ugly. Let's face it, the world revolves around beauty. I'm no exception. I find myself attracted to "beauty" just like everyone else.

    My life so far...

    I had a pretty normal childhood growing up. I was always shy and quiet, but only in the classroom. I was a fat and ugly kid, but that didn't really bother me. I was too young to realize it. I played sports and was good at it, so I never really had any problems making friends. I changed a lot when high school started. Like a lot of kids entering high school, I was scared. I tried to put up this tough guy front so the older kids wouldn't bother me, and they didn't. I became the guy that never really talked, unless it was to his own friends. In high school, I had some pretty bad experiences OUTSIDE of school that really fukked me up. Girls I don`t even know just telling me straight up I`m ugly. Noticing people on the bus laughing and talking about you. I think the worst out of all of them though was having one of my friends tell me I`m ugly. The sad thing is, this is a friend I`ve known since I was a kid, and probably the one who knows me the best. We had an argument once, and he finally just said it. It`s not just him saying it, but the way he said it. Because of these experiences, I developed social anxiety. I began to fear being in public spaces. I wore my hood up every chance I got, trying to hide from the world. I did my best to hide it from friends and family and I think I did a pretty good job. Trying to look calm, when inside my heart is pounding.

    Girls. I rarely talked to girls. Going to an all-boys high school didn't help any much either. I did have a number of girl "friends" I knew who I occasionally hung out with. I put friends in quotation because even though I'd get the hello and goodbye hugs, I never really considered them that close because I've never had a serious conversation with any of them. I guess it's my fault. I was stuck in that "oh no girls!" mode some kids would have. I hated awkwardness and did by best to avoid it. There have been times when I avoided taking the same route as them going home just to save myself the embarrassment. Of course, that just creeped them out and made them think of me as a weirdo. I’ve only really liked one girl my whole life and I didn’t even have the guts to tell her I liked her. That was in 8th grade. We used to talk a lot on msn and stuff. She saw me at the park once, and I ran away to my friends like a pussy when she yelled my name. She asked me once if I liked her, and like a bitch I said no. I’m sure she knew and I’m sure it wouldn’t have made a difference anyway. I’ve seen her at parties once or twice where she’d say hi or whatever, and I’d just say hi back and walk away. I don’t even know how to like someone anymore. Maybe I’m just trying to avoid it so I wouldn’t have that shit happen to me anymore?

    Where I'm at now...

    Now that I'm in college, I'm starting to realize just how big of a role "looks" play in life. You really notice how certain people try to avoid contact with you and treat you differently because of it. I don’t blame them. I’d probably be just one of them if I wasn’t so ugly. That’s what pisses me off the most. I’ve noticed my own friends, friends I’ve known since I was a kid who look at me differently. Almost like they feel sorry for me. Some telling me all I have to do to get a girl is talk to them. But I don’t think they really understand what it’s like. I’ve had times when I’d try to start a conversation with a girl, and they’d quickly come up with a reply and try to avoid me right after. I don’t like being embarrassed like that, and I don’t think anyone does. Whether I like it or not, I know my quality of life will NOT equal those who are better looking... I’m not that fat anymore, but I’m still ugly. I can work out and get in shape, but I’ll still be ugly. I could always get plastic surgery to try and look somewhat decent, but what then? What will my parents and
    sisters think of me? What will my friends think?

    I look back at my life so far and see how much of a disappointment it has been. I think back of the guy I thought I’d be when I grew up, and then look at how it turned out. Having people look down on you, feel sorry for you, or simply don’t care about you. Life’s becoming complicated. Soon I’ll have to move out and be faced with responsibilities. On top of it all, I’m getting lonely. Lying on my bed at 3 in the morning crying wishing I had someone to share all these feelings with... I don’t even see dying the same way as I’ve done before. Now, I see it as something peaceful. Getting a chance to have all this weight lifted off my shoulders. Never having to worry about anything ever again. Getting up in the morning is becoming harder and harder. I just feel like staying in bed all day. There are only thing two things that keep me alive. Not wanting to selfishly fukk up my family’s lives... and hope. Hoping that bitch on the radio wasn’t lying when she said “things are gonna get brighter”. Hoping maybe I can fool some girl into falling in love with me...

    I’ve always had too much pride to admit it, but I’m a fukking loser. I used to think I was this great guy, but I was lying to myself. FML
  2. littleturtle

    littleturtle Member

    i never thought i'd be one of "those" people, and now here i am.. i just wanna go to sleep
  3. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry :hug: keep on writing. It helps a lot. When I first came here, I really thought there was no solutions at all. And I'm still here. I hope it'll be the same for you.
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm glad you've found SF. You arent alone anymore. You have a place to let out all those things that you have kept buried deep inside. Other members here understand and will try and help the best they can. Now someone else will read or "heard" what you have to say.

    I'm not quoting your post to make things stand out. You've said a lot of things that I want to touch on, but am too old to remember them all (lol). Sorry it's gonna be long but I hope some of it will help.

    And you are still very young. You're 19 and have just started to live your life independently. I'm 45 so yep you're still young. But I understand the thing about not seeing yourself past a certain age. When I was about 18 I never saw myself past the age of 30. And I envisioned my death involving a train. Well I'm 45, and several suicide attempts later, I'm still here. So please dont hold too much stock in those thoughts. I think it is just a way we try to "protect" ourselves from the fears and stress of knowing all that we are going to have to face in the upcoming years.

    That too has so much to do with being younger. Youth = beauty. It's that simple. Everything we hear and see keeps telling us that. When they show commercials the models are always so young, vibrant, exciting. It sells!!! Would a makeup product sell if it were a 45 year old woman selling it? Nope. When they depict old men staring at a woman is it someone their own age? Nope. It's youth and it sells the goods. But as you age something happens. You start to accept all the things about you that you hated so much through your youth. And others do to. You stop being so critical of yourself and the world around. It becomes easier to accept and move on than to spend hours fuzzing over it and really end up accomplishing nothing anyhow. You start to see that beauty is really the person on the inside. And that what a person thinks and feels is so much more important and rewarding. And thankfully, people are starting to realize that at much younger ages now too. You will find happiness with another. You need to give yourself a break. People will want to be with you regardless of how you look, once you can start to like yourself more. Be more the person on the inside that is dying to be let out. And stop worrying about the packaging that is carrying that person around.

    The point I was making above. It wasnt important to you and you enjoyed your life. You spent it being you and not worrying about what others thought. You did things, participated in things. You enjoyed who you were on the inside and it showed on the outside. Unfortunately for some reason when we reach our teens, the negative things people do and say really have an impact on us. And the positive things just seem to get lost somewhere else. It is also at this point that friends start to become enemies when they say things usually out of frustration. Things are said that cant be taken back. And because of it many hard feelings start. Friends slip away. You change, they change.

    You do have some responsibility to take here. Why some of your friends may have slipped away or think the things they do. Pulling away is done in a sense to protect ourselves. But it almosts always ends up hurting us badly. Others dont know what is going on inside our minds. They are confused because you seem to be changing from the person they know. So they read it by the information they know. And it's wrong so the wrong results happen. By shutting down and out we hurt ourselves but can only see it as actions being done against us by our friends.

    That's just it, a role it is "playing." A role that is sort of like a phase. It is only something that is played in life. But looks arent everything. Beauty comes and goes. But who you are is there for life. So you need to be happy with who you are and what you look like. Like you said you could get plastic surgery, work out etc. but why? It isnt going to fix how you see yourself on the inside. So learn to love you!

    You're right... they dont understand. Unless they are going through the same issues they cant understand. That's why it is important to talk about your feelings and pain. Not only here but to someone else that understand. A therapist or doctor or a support group. Get some real information on how to deal with what you are battling. Dont try to keep battling it alone. The depression it causes feeds off the negative thoughts and keeps getting stronger. So please find some RL help with these issues too?

    That is the depression starting to work it's nasty crap into your life and thoughts. And will get worse if you dont try and do something about it now.

    Those are two excellent reasons to hold on. Your family doesnt understand what you are going through. And they will feel so much guilt if you follow through on plans of suicide. Once you start finding help with the issues, you need to tell your family what has been going on. So they can offer the help they have too. And as for the bitch on the radio... things can get brighter maybe even better. So much of what you are battling is phases of life. You just need to find the skills you need to help you cope with them. Put them into the perspectives that they really are. Find the priorities in your life. And work at them.

    You wont need to "fool" some girl. One day you will find the girl that loves you for you. But you need to love you too.

    You are still that great guy. He is just hidden under a lot of garbage that has been thrown his way. He is in there. He is the guy that made this thread and is trying to find help to get back out there and show you he still exists. So please help him. Keep posting, talking and sharing. Get it out so that you can start working on making changes so that he can shine again.

    I'm sorry this is sooooooooo long. But you have shared so much. And I really wanted you to know that someone has heard you. Someone does understand. Someone has been exactly where you are (well ok not exactly I'm female but well... lol). And that like me, there are others here that want to help how ever we can.
  5. littleturtle

    littleturtle Member

    i just want to say thank you for your reply. it means a lot knowing someone's out there listening to what i have to say (especially since it took me over an hour to write all that down).. but i just hate it when people say something WILL happen. i think if it's one thing we can all agree on, it's the fact that nothing in this life is certain. i do understand you're trying to help though, and i appreciate that. thank you..
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Ahhh but when it comes to finding someone it will happen if you are looking. If you sit around and expect them to find you then nope. But if you get out there and do the looking it will. And usually from a place or at a time when you least expect it. Not saying it will necessarily be the one that you will share a lifetime with. But you will find someone. Hey you found this site and so many others that understand at a time when you felt there was no one to listen or hear you. So.......?

    That's right nothing in life is guaranteed. That statement in itself is saying that things will happen but no guarantee to the end result...good or bad. So have to also keep thinking it could happen. When we resolve to believe that nothing good can happen, then you usually wont be disappointed in the outcome. But if you atleast let there be even the smallest chance to let something happen then there are always possibilities right?
  7. littleturtle

    littleturtle Member

    i don't understand how it works anymore though.. how do i even like someone? do i just start conversations with every girl i have the slightest attraction to and see what happens? do i even have a say in it all?
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