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What I need to do

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So it is official I think I am getting drunk all the time because I want to hate myself. I have been on and off the wagon for not drinking for a while and I just think that I am doing the drinking to hate myself. I do not mind the feeling that I get while I drink no that is not a problem. I do enjoy the relaxed feeling that I have and even, dare I say, the happiness I feel. However, I think my true goal is the aftermath where I just feel terrible and depressed the whole time. I am not sure what the problem is, to be honest. I will just have to keep up trying to stop drinking. However, without my leg being in severe danger of crippling me I have a hard time not doing it. I did manage to get through last week until Sunday without drinking bu then I drank and I am hating every moment right now. I need to just get sober and I will remain sober. Life seems more bearable when I have cleansed the system.

Speaking of my legs I think that this will be the last set of kitties I have until I can get in shape. I realized that, in my current apartment, if I were to have my knees give out I would be unable to enter my apartment much less take care of my kitties. If I was about 200 lbs lighter it might be one thing but I am not. Heck even if I was in an apartment where there were no stairs or an elevator I would have a hard time taking care of my kitties if I were to hurt one of my legs. I am not going to give up my kitties for adoption but I am going to make sure that these kitties are the last ones I have until I can get back in shape. I am going to start working at that extra hard now. To be honest I do not care if I cripple myself I am more concerned about who will take care of my kitties and fearing that I would have to leave them on their own is more than I want to think about.

Recently I have been living more and more in fantasy worlds. I guess that it might just be the games I am playing. Since they tend to be anime school-life games there is always talk about friends. I find myself sort of losing myself in the fantasy of those games where I can have friends and people who want to be around me. It is quite comforting to know that I can feel some kind of comfort or worth by pretending I have people who want to be around me and people who care about me. I know that it is just a fantasy and that it will never happen in real life. The only reason why this stuff works is because I am able to have idealized people in the fantasy, including myself, Which is just fine. Though it is a bit of a double-edged sword. Once I realize that it is a fantasy I tend to feel extra depressed afterward knowing that because of my own personality, and appearance, I will never have that in real life. So I feel extra angry and miserable when I do stope the fantasy. However, I find that when I do more of this living in my head. I tend to not want to drink and want to stick to my diet and stuff. So that is a plus, right?

Well regardless I need to stop thinking about the present and look to the future. I need to make plans for things, like if I do hurt my leg that is going to be a problem what do I do. I need to focus on my legs and stuff. I need to cleanse my system so that I can not feel too terrible whenever I have to deal with life. I also need to start bracing myself for when the time comes for me to have no kitties. Because the next time that comes it will be a long time time without getting new ones and IW ill be all alone. I need to start getting used to that again. I guess there is a lot that I need to do. The most important of which is focusing not he goal I gave my doctor back when my leg started acting up. The goal was to be able to ski in 2022. Provided the resorts and stuff are even open.
I hope you'll be able to quit drinking. Do you think it's something that you'll be able to do on your own?

I am going to start working at that extra hard now
That sounds good. Probably not drinking will help with that.

I can try to share what's helped me with weight loss, though I've really only been partially successful in that area.

I hope something can help


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@may71 I should be able too do it on my own. Though I might have to do more writing and ranting and stuff I should be fine. For me it is all about the long term. I think after a week I should be just fine. Once I have completely detoxed myself. The hardest part will be dealing with the boredom.

As for losing weight I know what works for me. The problem, again, is the long term. Every couple of weeks I cheat and reset everything. I need to just focus on staying on the diet for the long term. Thanks for the offer of help.
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