What I need to say.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Leiaha, Mar 23, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I wish I could just die, then i wouldn't be a problem to anyone. I want outof it all, please make it all stop!
    All I ever do is cause problems for everyone. I don't have a life.
    The crisis team, my CPN and my GP have all left me to it. Don't they care? Can't they see how bad I am? Please God, do something for me, and make this my time to die, I'm so ugly, inside and out, nobody wants to care for me. I'm so stupid to think that anyone could've cared for me. How can I trust again?
    I can't make it through this alone. I cause my family problems. I'm a failure in everything that is important to me. The only way out of this is to die. I am sorry I caused my family sooo many problems, I wish like hell i had never been born!
    Why can't I talk to any of them? I don't want to burden them more than I already do. They are all soo busy and here I sit..... day in, day out, unable to leave the house. Unable to do anything cos of the lethargy, the apathy and without the will to live. Please somebody do something so I can't feel the hurt anymore. I hurt sooo bad. What can I do?
    I'm trying to watch Tv but, I don't know what I'm watching. I want to sleep but it just won't come. I'm so tired of hurting and being alone. I keep thinking of the alcohol and all the tablets I have upstairs but, I'm scared of failing again. My head hurts soooo much from crying.
    Nobody cares so, why should I. I cause problems for everyone I care about so, why should I stay. I'm a terrible person, nothing I do is right. I don't understand!
    I don't have any choice in the matter. To make everything better I have to die. I can't make it right by living. I'm so scared, I want out. I'm tired of making everyone so miserable. I don't want to go on.
    I can't stand this empty feeling I have. My head is a mess, the constant noise! The pounding hurts so much. I have no control over anything in my life. I'm breaking into pieces.
  2. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    Your words speak like the suffering of all of the major, commercialized religions. They all tell you that you are never good enough, no matter what you do.

    I don't know how you were raised. But I can see the sadness of these religions in your words. You have been told that you can never be good enough because you must always compare yourself to someone who is better or to some idea of god which is ridiculous.

    These sad ideas come from the sad religions, sorry to say. Believe in yourself and in your prospects and future.... and you shouldn't be able to fail. Know that you can't be judged by anyone. Only judge yourself. Then you cannot be hurt by the world's fake and horrible morals.
  3. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Lea people are assholes and that fucking sucks. Especially when doctors do it. But while I empathize with your desire to be gone and not a problem for anyone, please know that I like you. And I'd hate to see you hurt yourself.

    I care about you. For all the nothing that's worth :laugh:

  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Lea you have friends here that love you and we are here for you. We wont walk out when the going gets tough. We are here because we understand your pain so well. And because we do, we can support you and stand by you not like the professionals that just dont understand. And for the record you are not a terrible person. You are a caring loving soul that has shut your own pain out so many times to help others here. That is not ugly hun that is beautiful to the very core. Only a beautiful person can care for others that way. So please listen to your friends here and use our words and love to silence the pounding and noise in your head. The hands are all out stretched Lea. Grab one please!!!!
  5. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    lea...you are my sister. and i am so sorry you are hurting. if i had the money to come to you now, i would. and just sit with you. would tell you how lovely you are, inside and out.

    your pain and depression are lying to you. please know that.

    i love you so much - i feel helpless cuz i am so far away - and moving and i am a crap friend if i am not here for you.

    lea. talk to me. you have my real life email. . . please use it.
    you are worth the world honey- - i need you to stay here. talk to me.
    yours , terri xx
  6. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    Try to overcome that Christian/Muslim/all major religons idea that you can never be good enough.. I myself say you are good enough. You'll probably wait forever for someone you don't know to say you're good enough. Let me tell you.... Those same people robbed me with handguns and assulted me when I was young.

    You don't need to wait for anyone... about your morals....

    No god or religion is going to help you.... sorry to say... I'm 29.............. Don't wait for all the major, commercialized religious fake gods to save you.

    Just be yourself......... And always tell them, "F*** you!"

    You'll feel MUCH better, I swear. .... Never get into legal trouble or disrespect your family.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Lea we all love you!!! You are not a burden on any of us...Our hearts and souls are open to you!! You are part of the family and we care what happens with you!! Reach out and grab hold of us, we won't let you down!! Luv Ya!!!
  8. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I agree with everyone else in that we do love you Lea.

    I also agree that we can better feel your pain and understand where you are at right now, than so called pofessionals can.

    Some Doc's suck. Plain and simple. Mine does.

    I just wanted you to know, that this is your safe place. here you are loved, here you are among friends, kindred souls who share in your pain and in our mutual desire to somehow make life better for ourselves and all of us here.

    I too, if I had money would come see you, just to be with you and give you a shoulder upon which to lean.

    Please stay safe, and remember we do love you!!!
  9. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    what you need is an advocate lea to fight your corner and insist you get the help. all of the profs have a duty of care and when you start showing that card they act. too scared of repercussions i guess... twats.
    get an advocate asap. get them to come to you. i am housebound too so everyone comes to me. i have someone advocaing for me and my inept social worker suddenly got her arse in gear and everyone started listning.
    your whole post is the depression talking not you. what you feel is the depression robbing you and sucking your life away remember that. its a battle and you have to fight for yourself, when you cant the advocate can do it. is my best advice for you. i liv ein the sticks and have been battling for help and like i say as soon as i got an advocate i was offered lots... from every team locally. do that.. you have more chance that me to access stuff with the right prson cos of where you live. dont od again you will end up sectioned and trust me that is worse than liberty however miserable.
    get an advocate call the CAB now and tell them you need one yesterday. other option if you are one benefits is a solicitior and legal aid.... they hate that and suddenly things start happening.
    ignore the depression telling you shit and also your family crap. give a concerted effort to get yourself a spokesperson to fight your corner it honestly makes life so much easier. hope that helps.. probably not tho :( is how i went about it and it is finally happening. i was in same position a week ago...

    if you want me to ring them and kick their fucking arse and quote their own fucking charters of care and legal duties i can and will so let me know
  10. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Jameslyons..... that is worth a LOT, dont put yourself down, thankyou :hug:

    Carla..... I am grabbing you all! Thanks :hug:

    Troubled2008..... this has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with religion. thanks anyway. :hug:

    Terri..... my lovely sister, You are NOT a crap friend! you ARE the best! love you too :hug:

    Joseph..... my lovely Dad :) you could never let me down.... ever. love you too :hug:

    forpetessake..... thankyou so much for your words, you are lovely :hug:

    Sam..... i rang for an advocate yesterday and was told that i could only have one if i was under the care of CPN, crisisteam, psychiatrist etc was this wrong advice? doesn't surprise me if it is :no: I will ring CAB tomorrow morning for sure. I might take up your offer of the phone call yet! thankyou, love you too :hug:
  11. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    Sam..... i rang for an advocate yesterday and was told that i could only have one if i was under the care of CPN, crisisteam, psychiatrist etc was this wrong advice? doesn't surprise me if it is :no: I will ring CAB tomorrow morning for sure. I might take up your offer of the phone call yet! thankyou, love you too :hug:[/QUOTE]

    yep advocates are independant .. what is the service they have on the books?
    point it youve been under the crisis team so you need an advocate regarding them so you are eligable anyway so tell thm that. they are stupid :{
  12. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    oh lea, i am so sorry that your feeling this way. i just want you to know that whatever you go through im going to be with you all the way. i dont want you to even dare think in anyway whatsoever that you are alone because you arent. you have so many people that care for you and adore you to pieces :hug:

    sadly you need to fight for your position.. to let them know how much you need their help... not just let them know but make sure its stamped on their foreheads so that they never forget you NEED their help and you NEED it now x :console:
  13. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Mand..... I reckon they just think I'm easy to push aside.... probably right. I'm not confrontational at all... I usually back down and agree just to keep the peace. Stupid innit! love you :hug:
  14. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    not stupid at all. but you dont have to be confrontational at all to make them realise that you need them. you just need to make them realise that your ready to be left yet. try talking to your gp again. or someone else from the team. anyone who can help. you have a right to mental health care.. just remember that
  15. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I'm going to try to find an advocate tomorrow through CAB. There are a lot of issues that need to be taken up with CMHT.

    Lea :hug:
  16. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Lea I think I may have had contact with the same crisis team. I saw them at Trafford General. If they are the same team I'm not suprised you are disillusioned by them. I went there as I was in a really desperate place at the time and saw them as my only option other than commiting. They told me that they were there for people who had serious problems and that I should go see a gp. I was devastated and only survived that day because as I sat on a bench outside contemplating how I was going to end it all an old lady came and sat next to me and we got talking. She was in there for an operation but gave me more help than the so called crisis team had. That night I found SF and it has been the help from people here who have kept me going. Always here for you. Simon.
  17. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    Hey Lea. I wish I could offer some support or advice. if you need another ear, my PM box is always open. take care
  18. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Simon, yes it is the same team from trafford general hospital!! They always promise me they are gonna do this for me , do that for me, take me here and sort that out etc. then they come to my house the next day and discharge me!
    During the last 6 months i have had all the repairs done to my house. I have redecorated my sittingroom and bought all new furniture, carpets, rugs, curtains etc To do this would take most people about 1-2 weeks if they already have the money to do it all. The point is, i had the money, time etc but it took me 6 months cos of the depression and all. I told you this to illustrate how ridiculous the crisis tem are because that is the reason they discharged me this time........ I did all this to my room so I am getting better :unsure: This was despite the fact that less than 5 mins earlier i had told her I was feeling very suicidal today and there was 8/9 out of 10 chance i would attempt throughout the day. Then she discharged me because I redecorated so therefore I am better :confused:
    My psychologist has also written to them telling them i am very high risk suicidal and need long term support.
    Go figure that out cos I can't :no:
    They just don't care.
  19. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    dear lea.
    i am so sorry i have been busy with this stupid-as-hell moving stuff. . and i am not being there for you.

    yes. you DO need to keep fighting . i know you are not confrontational.
    but remember how you told me to stand up to that arse of a soon-ex i lived with. . . you are so strong lea. and you wanted me to be strong. so. . now i am asking YOU to be strong hunny.
    fight for yourself, for lovely lea. . .
    there is no replacement for you. . . you are unique and we need you here.

    now. many good advice came your way hun. . and i think you know all these people love you - they made it quite clear.

    let me know as soon as possible what happened. . . and if you need to take soliloquise up on that phone call offer. . . meanwhile...look at all the people here who love and support you. . .
  20. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Good Morning Lea,
    Just checking in with you to see how your feeling?? If you need to talk I will be on line for a few hours..Digger woke me up at 3:30 to go outside..Once I am up I have to do something to egt to where I can sleep again..
    Still holding on to you and am overwhelmed with how many friends have come forward to show you how much we love you!! Take care sweetie!!!
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.