what i saw, what i heard

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by forever_scarred, Apr 29, 2009.

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  1. forever_scarred

    forever_scarred Well-Known Member

    I am so down and i kno i have been like this a long time and people get sick of hearing the same thing nite after nite but there is nothing i can do to change it unless my mom comes back to me or i go to her.
    been trying to help everyone else with their problems hoping that doing that would make me forget what i am feeling and have been feeling for the past 11.5 years...i never really noticed it then but i think i started being sepressed at age 10 when mom first got sick. I didnt really understand much of y mom wasnt home or y i couldnt see her for 16 days....as the years went by i saw her in different kinds of pain, i saw her lose her hair twice cuz of teh chemo, i saw her hands peel from the chemo that she was on...i would see her cry for no reason every weekend and not understand y god was doing this to her, to us. what had we done wrong? I saw mom put on a happy face and go to work everyday even tho i knew she was in pain...i saw them put a port in her arm to counteract some of teh pain from the ivs....i saw her that nite when she was really sick and didnt kno me or my sis....i remember teh ambulance ride to the ER and how terrified i was that she was gonna die... I saw the ivs in her neck and how she didnt kno what was happening to her....i heard her cry out in pain when the VNA nurse tried to move her and remember me running from the agony i could hear in her voice.....and lastly i remember seeing her as a vegetable, not able to eat or move, she never knew that we were there, i remember seeing the blood that she was hemorrhaging....she never spoke after her screams 2 days before and hadnt spoken for weeks before that....i remember clinging to my grandpa when i found out she was dead and wishing that i could be in the room with her to cry and to wish that she was just sleeping.
    I let my mom down with being kicked outta school and being the person that i am now....and i guess i blame her a little she promised me when i was a child that she would always be here and she didnt keep her promise....she left me alone....
    Mom why did u leave me?:sad:
  2. Daisy

    Daisy Active Member

    I'm so sorry sweetie. No one should have to go through that. As I said, I don't understand the pain that you are going through but I care and I'm here to listen. I'm so glad that you are reaching out for help.

    :hug: I'm here, listening
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 29, 2009
  3. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Aww honey :hug:. I'm sorry to hear that you've been though so much.

    Did you receive any bereavement counselling after your Mum died? I can't imagine how hard things must have been for you & those last memories of her must be really upsetting. Is there any way you can try and replace the bad memories with good ones, remembering when she was healthy & the fun times that you must have shared?

    I'm sure if your Mum was here today she would say that you didn't let her down :hug:. xx
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