What I truly want...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pad, Feb 6, 2009.

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  1. Pad

    Pad Well-Known Member

    I've been talking a lot about what I want to do in life and there is nothing. I want to be good at something, but nothing in particular. When someone asks me what i truly want, I think for a while... my mind goes blank and I get this feeling in my stomach. I want to just not exist. I feel so apart from everything, like i'm disconnected. There is nothing in my head, no emotion just emptyness. I want to go, i so badly want to but i feel like im being kept here and i have no idea why.

    I think about what i want out of life and I see confusion. It's like im looking at what I want through a wire fence and i can't make out what it is. I feel 3 things right now, sadness, anxiety, and hopelessness. I'm tired of my life, i literally hate it. When did everything go so wrong everything has just slipped away and i can't make up for it. I thought a lot about ending it all today, it just makes sense
     
  2. guyt

    guyt New Member

    I just joined the forum and read your post.

    I feel a bit similar, at times, to what you are describing in your post and although I cannot claim to know what is happening with you so I just wanted to say I have read your post.

    Keep posting, I wonder if what is keeping you here is the sense of connection which you are missing - I am curious on this what it is you want to feel connected to.
     
  3. Pad

    Pad Well-Known Member

    I want to feel connected to anything, right now I feel as though it is me here and the rest of everything else somewhere over there. I act like im part of the party that is everything else, but it is just an act, i'm here all alone in this clumsy body. I don't fit it, it feels 2 sizes too big as if im a small child trying to look over the steering wheel of a car. Everywhere people are going about their lives so naturally, well for me it feels so unnatural. idk im losing myself here
     
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I know how you feel. I have socialphobia, and cant carry on a conversation with any one because my mind either starts racing and then just goes blank because I loose track of what I was trying to say. My only means of communication with the outside world is talking to ppl here on the forum. I have made quite a few friends here and am able to talk to them about how I feel. I have to proof read what I type to make sure I am making since in what i'm saying. I live with my sister because she is my caregiver due to having several mental health issues. I don't even talk to her about anything that is going on with me. So being disconnected is a good way to describe what is happening with me also!! The only one I talk to about myself is my therapist. I have been seeing her for three years so she has gained my trust. If you aren't in therapy I would recommend you find one!! I wish you luck and hope you stay safe!!~Joseph~
     
  5. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    i agree with Joseph, I really don't trust many people, and I don't fully have my trust in the forum yet either, but sometimes just having that one person can really help. A therapist is that person in most cases. I like the fact that they wont tell anyone anything because they have to by law. It makes me feel so safe around them :hug:

    Please talk to me about anything, I'm here for you :hug:

    Taylor
     
  6. Pad

    Pad Well-Known Member

    I guess I feel a little better, shame it's going to cost me another scar though. dammit she will notice, grrr
     
  7. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Hey pad - i don't know who 'she' is but don't be too hard on yourself, you're only trying to cope.
    I've finished uni and just gotten my first ever proper job. It isn't within a career i'm interested in, but my degree was vocational and this job matches that. I'm at the stage where i have to really figure out what i want to do in life and i cannot think what i want, not just career wise but anything! I find it incrediably frightening not being interested in anything, i am literally wasting my life away and it all seems pretty pointless to be honest.
    I feel nothingness all the time, i go to work but beyond that i'm not progressing with anything in my life. I feel very disconnected, i describe it as though i'm looking through a plate of glass at the rest of the world. I can see it, and it can see me, but we're seperated. I'm totally confused too. I'd like to move forward but i don't have the energy or the ability to do so. Sometimes i'd like it all just to go away, but i'm actually to dispondent to even think properly about doing that.
    You're not alone.
     
  8. hhman1967

    hhman1967 New Member

    I know how you feel. My life is so screwed up and turned upside down that I can't even imagine how I would like it to be. When people ask me what I want out of life, my honest answer is: I would just like it to be over. I don't know what would make it better or even where I would start. Every night I go to sleep I hope I don't ever wake up again. But unfortunately I always do.
     
  9. Pad

    Pad Well-Known Member

    I think what gets me through is the not knowing whats going to happen, maybe I am a little interested where these roads will lead. I don't expect it to be a fun ride, I suppose I sometimes wonder how good or bad it's going to get and the though of having a self destruct button that i can use at any time is kind of a comfort. I know where the button is, but will I ever press it? who knows
     
  10. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi. . just wanted to let you know i read your post. and i have felt at times, like you are feeling, disconnected, and not knowing what i really wanted to do. . . seeing paths at times that appeared to be my path, the path, but it was never what i was looking for.

    a sense of disconnection, and confusion, can also be caused or made worse by, depression. . . . and then become a cycle.

    glad you reached out here- it is a place of acceptance - until you come to a better place in your life. - and my wish for you is that you will find your way through this :hug:
     
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :hug: pad.

    hopeless anxiety and sadness.

    I know those feelings only too well. Do you have a therapist to help you deal with it?

    When you have no way of coping and feeling like giving up. Find something or someone that you really love and keep that at the top of your mind. :hug:
     
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