What I want to say but cannot

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by maths, Feb 1, 2012.

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  1. maths

    maths Well-Known Member

    What I want to send to a friend, but cannot. What led me here:

    I keep thinking of something I once heard, a quote, attributed to Karl Polanyi, I heard it, did not read and I thought, that's it, that is exactly it, so I listened to it repeatedly until I could write it all down. And it's rattling around my head. Rattling in there. But it can't come out, that's the whole point. That's why the quote is so right, says everything. It's the quote that cannot be spoken aloud. That you want to cry out, but it can't be spoken, it can't. That's the whole point. And I just need to tell someone but I don't know who. If a girl recites to an empty bedroom, has she quoted anything at all? And even this can probably not be sent. But it has to. But it can't. But I need to save myself. And I don't know how. It's the inevitability, you see. The inevitability, not the intent. That's what's so frightening. And I just don't think I have room for anything else in there right. No mathematics. No people. It's just there. And I have no right to tell anyone any of these things.

    I never meant to harm anyone.

    (When first we met, my mind was sick, I was the victim of a melancholia, constantly on the increase since my twentieth year. Nothing more ghastly can be imagined than this illness. Tormenting, incessant, senseless inner excitement, that is one of its elements. Another, a poison feel to life, something like an inward sickliness, as if it were some infernal wretching of the soul's self. The third, narrowed-down consciousness. Obsessed, compulsive thinking, you see only a white spot as large as your hand. Space doesn't open up, no third dimension, and what remains is one word in the middle of a patch where everything is clear: Suicide. This word does not represent intent, nor something you are scared of, but a fate already consumated. That you live is but an illusion, a mere accident. Suicide is preordained. You are born to be a suicide, and you haven't much time left.
    It was simply impossible to tell anybody anyhting about it. If only you were able to tell about it, you felt, you'd be saved. But to tell about it was just as impossible as to die of it. You had to conceal it.)
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 1, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Interesting read hun but i don't agree we were born to suicide i do think talking to someone about it helps so much You can talk to a professional you can voice what you are feeling and get that word from circling in your head out hugs
  3. maths

    maths Well-Known Member

    I tried a professional recently, and have in the past. Somehow I couldn't bring myself to say these things, even there. I felt like I had to put a front up, even when I was trying to help myself. How does one get past that? Thank you for your response, for reading what I wrote. It's meaningful to me.
  4. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    You are way to brilliant and intelligent to be understood by a shrink. :smile: You're living in a society that is built around the lowest common demoninator....the masses.

    I have a quote I coined..."Stupid" JUDGES "Intelligent" to be "Retarded". And to be treated like a retard all one's life creates a negative self image and a ton of confusion. You know inside you is a loving and creative person, but why is it so hard to relate? Because the majority of people can't see deeply like you and you've been led to believe that you need help to be adjusted.

    This is my story of my realization of this. Once I saw this, I was self-healed and for the first time loved myself unconditionally. I hope it can help. http://www.profound-self-help.com/adhd-self-help.html

  5. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    BTW, I heard you loud and clear!
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