what I wanted to say here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ItThing, Apr 26, 2008.

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  1. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    Me? Cry? I don’t know how to cry anymore. All I do is make excuses and *poof* the waterworks run dry. That’s how I forget why I wanted to kill myself, and go back to just whining about my imaginary problems. Later on I start to contemplate death again, so I just make some excuse to live or go numb. The cycle goes on and on. I hope I manage to do it someday, so I break this cycle.
    The point is, I never had the courage to take life by the horns, there’s always something that makes me think its too risky to be attempted. Why I’m such a coward I’ll never know; that’s where the excuses come in, but they only last until I stop feeling, and then I go back to whining…
    For this reason I never really developed a strong emotional bond with anyone or anything. I’m ready to pack and leave on a moment’s notice. To avoid what? Boredom of a wasted life? Shame. Hopelessness. Put simply: hopelessly ashamed and ashamed to be hopeless. When I’m not digging for all I’m worth in search of either self esteem or a distraction, it’s all I can do to get up and try to do my homework one more time.
    Not that I think of it that way, that’s the thing, neither my thoughts nor my emotions have any set structure. It’s like I’m not based on anything. And on everything. I have no identity, it can scares me a lot sometimes. It’s the main excuse not to try to live; I ‘can’t’. Yes, I give excuses both ways. Opti Pessi Opti Pessi Opti Pessi write it down Opti Pessi Opti Pessi…
    I’ve written it before… even talked about it with some peope… I don’t think I’m really consistent about these views though, so no hope there, I’ll never figure out what’s ‘wrong’ with me. I don’t even know what I do want. As for what I don’t… often, if I’m uncomfortable, I just ignore it. And in a bad situation I can’t hope to avoid, if I have to do something NOW to change myself, I just munch an angry apple and sit there, playing brave Spartan, doing nothing because it’s the only thing I feel I can. But if I made the smallest mistake, it can hurt me for years. My life is sooo empty, you have no idea… Except for all those missed opportunities, it’s kind of hard to forget those.
    And how can you argue against this? How could I ask for help if I’m too afraid to help myself? I’d be ashamed to do that! Why would I want to live in shame? And there isn’t any point. I don’t believe it. No matter what anyone says; I’m not going to any college. I won’t have any career. I won’t have any love life. And nobody will ever give me respect. No, not acknowledgement. Not empathy. Respect. Reverence. Call me a tyrant in the making, but I need that knowledge. I need those kids from kindergarten to tell it to my face, I am better than they are. Of course, having seen them grow up into such confident souls, I know it’s a fat chance.
    Maybe someday someone WILL love me. I’ll want to trust them and I’ll listen, and then I will be okay. But I can never tell anyone how I feel deep inside. The crazy idea my mother gave me. “Do you know why they laugh at you? Because they’re just jealous. Because you are better.” FUCKING LIES!!! Reader, never tell that to a person. Never. Because it is a lie, always to some degree false. And if you know that is false, that is how I will die. When I see the blinding truth. I wasted my whole life over a lie. The children may as well have been right. You never hated them. Not until you grew up. Went to live in a place where you thought everything would finally be better, be easy, and find that you were wrong. They were right. They are laughing at me now for my stupidity. Now I hate them. I see that they ARE better.
    If I did tell someone I felt that way. I would never be able to believe that they felt anything but pity for me. Poor *****. He really is stupid. He really is just a victim. Never able to see that the greatest emotional support he ever got was a lie. And so he squandered his life. And should end it.

    There it is...
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    this is not about seek for attntion this is about to get better, we are not attention seekers, and if you arent you should tell everyone who ever hurt you the truth and everyone who ever make you feel good too. Life doesnt end because people lies, or low selfeseem, you want to end yourlife because you`re tired , and yet you`re here asking for help. Dont try to battle alone, even those people who lied (that they surely love you) might want to help you, give them a chance to try without judjing them as you dont want to be judged as an attention seeker...:)
  3. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    But how can I know if they even understand? What if they don't understand and try to force a solution on me... And I'm not an attention seeker! I just wrote that a while ago and thought I might as well post it because I didn't feel like explaining myself over again...
  4. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    Do you want to put more detail in your post, or your story, how old are you. Obviously you are male, when did you first feel sad. What happened in kindergarten that was so big? you are basically anonymous here so you don't have to hide anything.
  5. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    Crap I forgot to hide the gender thing... whatever. I've always been sad and potentially suicidal, but the actual thoughts are a new thing. Instead of cutting I thought cut, as in mentally yelling at myself and thinking i'm a failure and all. It is getting harder to be pissed at myself for long, true, because I know I'm pretty well off and it's hard to convince myself I'm not. But it feels good to think that I'm not worth anything and then it's like I don't have to worry about myself, because I convince myself it's already over. If there's a bad situation I really want to avoid like dissapointing my parents or doing badly in academics then I always blame myself for everything and think of dying as the simplest way out. I have this weird anxiety that I'll never succeed, I don't know why, I just get uptight when people talk about my future or ways to improve myself because I just don't believe in that. And I'm obsessed with being smarter than people. I've been bullied a lot ever since kindergarten but it's not a big deal anymore, I just think that's why I want to believe I'm smarter because I always told myself/was told that I was smarter or better and that's why they bothered me. I know I'm smart, just not the smartest and I'm an absolute failure and studying and working skills which is why my grades are lower than they could be.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 27, 2008
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