What I wanted to say to her

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NewLife, Mar 18, 2010.

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  1. NewLife

    NewLife New Member

    I was driving to work today and I saw three cop cars blow past me. As I drove a little further I saw a lady sitting on the railing of the Walt Whitman bridge with a cop trying to talk to her from a distance. I understood what was happening. I felt like I should have tried to stop, but I figured the cops are trained for that and hopefully she wouldn't jump. I did a quick google search before I left work and read that the woman jumped about 10 minutes after I drove by her. Here is why I wanted to stop and what I would have tried to say...

    I've been where you are. Things like "There are lots of people who love you", "don't do it", "you have so much to live for" are meaningless in this state of mind. I have been suicidal. For years my prayers were the opposite of what they are today. I would always pray, "Please take me out tonight", "Please just let me go to sleep and not wake up", "Please just put me out quietly and painlessly". The morning was always an unwelcomed and bitter dissapointment. While I was very disturbed I don't consider this suicidal. There were only two times in my life when I was suicidal.

    It's the most awful, barren, and lonely place I've ever been in my life. The emotional pain was so great that I could actually feel it physically. It was in this place that death actually looked like a pleasant thing. One night I was standing on top of a tall building, and the ground far below me seemed to be so comforting and inviting. I knew that if I just jumped over the side everything would be quiet and I would finally have peace. To this day I have absolutely no idea what it was that prevented me from killing myself, except for one thought that I had. It was purely intellectual and had absolutely no emotional impact on me, but I believe it kept me from killing myself. Like I said, this did not give me a warm fuzzy feeling and make everything alright, but it turned out to be very true. The thought that kept running over and over in my mind was, "This too shall pass". I got it from a story my brother told me almost accidentally a few years earlier. He told it a little different from versions I've heard before, and this is how he told it:

    There was great and mighty king who was deeply troubled. His life seemed like a vicious cycle, and he called his wise men before him and explained his problem. Sometimes the challenges before him seemed so daunting and impossible that they could never be resolved, and he would sink into unthinkable despair. At other times things seemed to go so well that he felt invincible, and his pride would become so great and so strong that he would make stupid mistakes and find himself in the opposite situation. So he asked the answer -- something that would give light in times of despair, and something that would make him humble in times of pride and success. After a long silence one of the wise men claimed that he could find the king just such a thing, but it would take him a few days. The king waited and after a few days the wise man presented the king with a simple golden ring. Infuriated the king told the wise man, "A gold ring!? I have thousands of these and they are utterly worthless!". The king immediately ordered the wise man to be arrested and executed the following morning. The king ordered everyone out of his presence and spent the night in great turmoil over his situation. Late in the night, at his wits end, right before dawn the king picked up the ring the wise man had presented him with contempt. Just as he was about to throw it accross the room in disgust he noticed a small inscription engraved on the ring, "This too shall pass". In that moment the king realized that his greatest happiness, his lowest depression, his conquests, his worries, his joys, and even his entire kingdom would eventually pass. He reinstated the wise man and wore the ring for the rest of his reign. And just like that King and his entire life, whatever you are going through right now too, will pass.

    At one time my life was a living and walking death. It wasn't a life. But the life I have now is so indescribably more wonderful than I could have possibly imagined at the time. I have an amazing marriage with a woman I love deeply. I went back to school and am now looking at a new and exciting career that I love. I have dreams and opportunities in front of me that almost make me feel guilty or unworthy of having them, because they are so much greater than what I feel I deserve. I have deep and meaningful relationships with people around me that I never had before. That night when I didn't kill myself I saw none of this coming. It was a slow and sometimes demoralizing journey to get to where I am today. But please please please don't kill yourself. I swear to God that this too shall pass.
  2. aviewfromchaos

    aviewfromchaos Well-Known Member

    this is a very good message. i needed to hear this today. thanks man. :hugtackles:
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