What if 'Daddy' had been there?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThePhantomLady, Feb 16, 2016.

  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    It always goes this way after I've been struggling with all the abuse from my past... it's the same cycle...

    I'll remember all the things that happened, sometimes even remembering more than what I usually remember... I'll feel hopeless, used, hurt and empty and then this happens...


    My father was married to another woman when I was born, that's practically all I know about him.
    According to my mother he would rather work on his marriage than risk messing that up, over his little mistake... (*waves* that means me).
    Mum also told me that he visited 'us' in the hospital the day after I was born, and had almost died... He refused to look at me even once... but he did come to check on my mother...

    I think that was a cowardly thing to do. I imagine he thought that if he saw my face the image would haunt him for life...

    I always wonder if things would have been different if he wasn't so cold. Could he have saved me from any of the abuse? Would my mother have been so vicious? could I have gone to a better school if he paid child support at least?
    Would I have handled things better? Could I have asked him for help? Would he have kicked the sh't out of my rapist when I was 13, rather than my mum blaming me for it and forcing me to keep attending things where my attacker was?

    Would I be more whole and not have these abandonment issues that show themselves in indifference and such a lack of care for myself... and after 18 months of having been through so many things with my boyfriend (the first man who truly treated me with respect)... still wonder when he'll leave me for someone better.

    I have often thought about finding him... I don't even know his name. Last time mum and I talked a little bit about him (it's been very sparse because it hurts her to talk about what happened) last time she told me about him visiting at the hospital and it pissed me off so bad I told her I never want to see him.

    He's had 26 years to change his mind. He's had 26 years to regret his choices...

    And also... I actually don't want to hurt his wife. It's bad enough he hurt my mother and me... what if they live the perfect life... and there I come, the proof of more than 26 years of having lived a lie... What if he has 'real' kids? It would be kinder for them not to know about this.

    And honestly... he can't heal what happened, not now. It's way too late...


    But still... I have to live with the 'what ifs'.
     
  2. Hey! I just read your thread and I am so sorry about this. There are a lot of things I need to tell you about.
    1. Your rapist: He is such a ***************** because he ain't no man for doing this, and believe me you deserve better than all of this and your mother is being so mean to let you go to the places he is there.
    2. Your father: He lost such a beautiful "so-called mistake" (which you aren't) I believe you can survive without him, it will haunt him he wasn't there for you when you were doing the best achievements in your life. And if he ever sees you he will regret leaving such a magnificent creature, it is his loss anyways.
    3. His family: You are so beautiful and kind that you don't even want him to get a little of what you've been through and than makes it even more sh!tt!er for him that he just left such an amazing person like YOU. *waves* YES YOU THERE READING ALL MY CHATTING AND TALKING!!
    4. THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT! YOU HAVE TO READ CAREFULLY.... YOU WILL NEVER BE A MISTAKE, WHOEVER SAYS THAT...WELL I DON'T LIKE SAYING A LOT OF FOOL WORDS, BUT BELIEVE ME THEY ARE A BIGGER MISTAKE. IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A SINNER WHEN YOU TELL OTHER PEOPLE WHAT THEY SIN, BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A SAINT WHEN YOU JUDGE OTHER PEOPLE FOR THEIR SINS!!!
    I LOOOOOVE YOU SO MUCH YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT.
     
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Thank you so much for those words! It means a lot!

    I really struggle with the 'mistake' thing... that was one of the times I cried last time I was in therapy. The therapist reminded me that I was a 'love-child'... I don't know though... he was supposed to love his wife enough to not cheat and fool around. Even if he was trying to comfort my mother after the loss of both her parents...

    But who am I to judge? My abusive 'ex' had a wife and several other girls on the side. I fell for the "I can't do this with her" thing... and at the time I thought I needed the control and abusive... if anything the attention... and somehow I thought I spared the wife of him treating her poorly.

    I just have this deeply rooted feeling that I was always a mistake and not meant to be... Growing up I was always treated differently because of not having a father... both from adults and kids... I was often told my mum was a wh*re and what not... it's a lot more common now to grow up with a single mother than it was when I did.