It always goes this way after I've been struggling with all the abuse from my past... it's the same cycle... I'll remember all the things that happened, sometimes even remembering more than what I usually remember... I'll feel hopeless, used, hurt and empty and then this happens... My father was married to another woman when I was born, that's practically all I know about him. According to my mother he would rather work on his marriage than risk messing that up, over his little mistake... (*waves* that means me). Mum also told me that he visited 'us' in the hospital the day after I was born, and had almost died... He refused to look at me even once... but he did come to check on my mother... I think that was a cowardly thing to do. I imagine he thought that if he saw my face the image would haunt him for life... I always wonder if things would have been different if he wasn't so cold. Could he have saved me from any of the abuse? Would my mother have been so vicious? could I have gone to a better school if he paid child support at least? Would I have handled things better? Could I have asked him for help? Would he have kicked the sh't out of my rapist when I was 13, rather than my mum blaming me for it and forcing me to keep attending things where my attacker was? Would I be more whole and not have these abandonment issues that show themselves in indifference and such a lack of care for myself... and after 18 months of having been through so many things with my boyfriend (the first man who truly treated me with respect)... still wonder when he'll leave me for someone better. I have often thought about finding him... I don't even know his name. Last time mum and I talked a little bit about him (it's been very sparse because it hurts her to talk about what happened) last time she told me about him visiting at the hospital and it pissed me off so bad I told her I never want to see him. He's had 26 years to change his mind. He's had 26 years to regret his choices... And also... I actually don't want to hurt his wife. It's bad enough he hurt my mother and me... what if they live the perfect life... and there I come, the proof of more than 26 years of having lived a lie... What if he has 'real' kids? It would be kinder for them not to know about this. And honestly... he can't heal what happened, not now. It's way too late... But still... I have to live with the 'what ifs'.