What if I can't do this?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Perfect Darkness, Jan 5, 2015.

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  1. What is I can't do this? It's a question that's bothering me all the time. I want to fight, I want to recover. But at the same time, I'm so scared to take those steps. I have to do it alone. It's all in my hands. I have the power to choose if I want to keep fighting or if I want to give up. The power is really save, but it's also scary as hell. I can simply end my life. But do I want to? Yes, I think so. The days are so dark, and I feel like I've lost everything. I've lost everything already, so killing myself isn't such a big deal. Right?

    My mind is a chaos. It goes from one thing to the other. I bet this is terrible to read, since my English is pretty bad. I'm really bad at expressing myself, but in English I can't find the words I need. It's just one big mess and it seems so easy to just end it all. Kill myself. Why not? The only reason why I'm still here, is because I know my girlfriend will follow me if I quit the fight. Her life is so important to me, I can't ruin it by taking mine. She has so much potential and she is so amazing. It would be a shame if she took her life because of me.

    God, I don't know. Everything is such a big mess right now. And I created this mess. By lying, pretending, not talking, shutting everyone out. I've hurt so many people already by shutting them out. And I'm ruining everything. Ruining my relationship, ruining my school, ruining my relationship with my parents, ruining the social contacts that I used to have. Why am I making such a mess of things?

    I don't want to do this anymore. I'm pretty sure I can't do this. I'm not strong enough to start this fight. In the end I'll fall down and I'll be back at where I'm now. It's all so useless.

    Sorry, sorry for all of this mess. I'm sorry to bother you with this. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.:apologetic:
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    only until you try will you know if you have the strength and you will not be alone to fight it you will have your therapist right there helping you fight as well You are worth that fight ok
    It is good you have someone to hold onto who you care for as it will help you fight as well I fight to stay for my family i could never leave them with the pain i feel
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You seem to know the mistakes you made (I a can assure you they sound like the same type of mistakes everybody makes sometime in their life) which means you already know how to "fix" things. It seems like a very difficult progress to "fix " things , but really it is not. All that is required is to stop doing the things that you know caused problems and and patience. In fact, the one thing that can make it hard to fix things is the expectation that there is some momentous act or action to make things instantly better when there is not. It took time for things to degrade, compounded by poor choices. Just make better choices and allow time and things will be better again. Repairing relationships with immediate family is just doing the right things for a period of time and then the responsibility is on them. It is up to them to treat you deserve in the present as opposed to the past, so make the present month or winter and spring into somebody that deserves trust and respect.

    Friendships are only a little different - but the thing to remember is that very few friendships last more than a few years anyway. When change schools , when go college, when start working - all of these times most people change their entire group of people to hang out with anyway. Particularly from 16-30 there are so many changes in our lives that we have things in common and grow towards people and away from people. Take advantage of that - you do not need to try to repair every old friendship- just be a better friend and use your experience to choose better friends as you move forward.

    I think you will find it take s far less strength to be honest and open and the type of person you want to be, and is far less stressful, so you are choosing the easier path now. Keep looking forward and if there are people that cant let go of the past then leave them behind, just do not be the person that is holding onto the past.
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