what if i hadn't done those things?

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by honeyy, Jan 10, 2010.

  1. honeyy

    honeyy Member

    Last school year I went as an exchange student in the States, which is when I first met him. We hit it off as best friends at once, and so we were through the whole year.

    I loved him. First as a friend, but then I thought it was something more. But then I hurt him. Over and over again. I was thinking I didn't want to ruin our friendship and what we already had. I knew that I hurt him every time I did, but we still stayed best friends, and it was all good.

    Then I left, I came back to my country, back to my old life, and it got me thinking. I started regretting all the things I did while I was over there. I was so selfish. I realized that I loved him, and I still do, and I was thinking I would get to say sorry, and let him know how I felt when I came back to visit (he didn't have a phone and was never online, so I could barely contact him while being so far away as in another country).

    I thought about him every day, and was looking more and more forward to telling him. Then I got the news, on the 3rd day of Christmas he committed suicide.

    I loved him as more than a freind. My heart is broken. I wonder if he knew that he was more to me than a friend? I feel like its all my fault. What if I hadn't done those things back then? What if I had told him how I felt?

    He had no other reason to do it than that. He had a "perfect" life. He was the top student of his class, a great athlete, he had the best friends and everybody loved him. The only thing he didn't have was a girlfriend. And I know he really fell for me, and never got over me, no matter how selfish that sounds.

    I don't want to live knowing I'll never see him again here on earth. And will I ever see him again ever, even when I die? What if he won't remember me then?

    I'm scared to live on in case I meet another person who will also love like that, he was the only one i wanted, he was the one, and you can never find the one twice, can you? I don't want to forget him. I want him to be the one I will be reunited with when I die.
  2. Aimee_in_Wonderland

    Aimee_in_Wonderland Well-Known Member

    sadly you cant help who you fall in love with its just how the heart works,
    i can only imagn how you are feeling right now, is it possible that maybe within the time you had not seen him things may have changed for him?

    dont blame yourself.. im sure he wouldnt want you too. i know its a hard time and realising you love someone and its too late is very difficult but time is a healer.

    remeber the good times you had with him, time times you laughed and how much you cared and he cared,

    i cant answer you on if your see him again in the afterlife i dont thing anyone can really be 100% certain of what happenes when you pass.

    hang around here i hope you find the support and some of the answers you are looking for..

    Private message me if you ever need to talk xxx

    Your find amazing people here who can listen and help you heal with time x