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What if I want to die, but can't?

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I promised my baby girl's momma, that when I took her on, I'd keep her til the day she died. My girl, my dog, saved me from agoraphobia, I got her only to enable me to live outside. My little German Shepherd grew into an enormous beautiful girl who I love more than anything in the world. But I still want to die.

I have bipolar disorder bordering on schizoaffective. I can't leave the house without my dog. She's amazingly well trained, doesn't need a lead, we've spent forever together. But somehow I still want to leave her. Why? I don't understand, she's the most precious thing this world has ever created. But life is still so hard I don't want to go on.

Why? Why this eternal obsession with death? I guess it doesn't help that my best friend killed himself at new year. I'm kinda jealous. Jealous that he got away. I'm so scared that there might BE something after, or that Samantha (my dog) might not get a good life.

So where does this leave me? :sigh:

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
this leaves you with an illness hun one that hits you hard sometimes.
I do hope your doctor can helpl you ease those obsessive thoughts because that is all they are hun thoughts.
Your precious dog she will always need you hun as you her reach out okay get that doctor to help you ease those thoughts up some hugs:hugtackles::hugtackles:
I think dogs and most animals have an inner feeling or connection with a special someone.

Part of YOU (not your dogs doing) is what keeps you moving forward. You still want to be here no matter how much that little voice in your head says you shouldn't.

Hold onto that being scared because thats the little something that keeps you here.

Also, I am soo sorry to here about your loss. Losing a best friend would be extremely hard and I'm positive he would never want you to go down the same path that he did.


Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend
I'm sure your dog Samantha is good therapy for you..My "T" told me to get a dog and after I got him I was apprehencive for about a month but slowly and surely I learned to love him..He's my pal now unless my sister is home then he goes out and plays with her or just sits in her chair with her..Trader...lol...My "T" nailed that one on the head..
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