What if it really is hopeless?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by raincloud, Oct 17, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    Please don't tell me that it's never hopeless or that things will work out. That's simply not true.

    My life really is truly ruined and it's past the point of no return. I have struggled for years just trying to get by and be normal, and nothing has worked out for me. I've worked so hard and for absolutely nothing.

    I can't get a job. I don't have any family (or rather I do, but they are abusive sociopaths or live in other countries). I'm physically ill. I'm bald and hideous and self-conscious about it. I'm 31 years old and I've never, ever dated.

    I'll never be able to have a home again. A job. Any job I get won't be enough to take care of the mess I've made.

    Every option I have has an insurmountable obstacle ahead of it. I'm sick and no one can help. I want to leave the country, and I can't even do that without getting a job and saving money first. I'm applying for disability, but that's not enough. It's just not enough. I lost the fight. I really wanted a job, and I have done all I can to make myself a desirable job candidate. I got a master's degree in my field. I network. I have done mock interviews and I have had resume critiques. I have had multiple budget analyses. I have done volunteer work. I have taken jobs just to get by, only to be judged for it later. I hit the pavement for six years. The world doesn't want me to work. I'm done.

    I've been fighting so long because I really, really thought things would be okay, but it just sunk in recently that things aren't okay and they won't be. There is no logical way for any of this to work out. There is no possible happy ending. I feel as though there is a force greater than I am that it going out of its way to kill me.

    I'm thinking of checking myself in to be hospitalized, but the thought of another medical bill is enough to make me want to die. Even though I know I'll never pay it, just the thought of owing even more and being worth even less is just too much. I'm really sick right now with a lung infection and I can't go to the ER. I just can't. I don't care if I die, I just can't look at another bill. If you think that sounds silly, then you don't know how deep this goes. I've had numerous health problems since I was 10.

    Also, I have nowhere to put my belongings, and even things that are "replaceable" aren't replaceable for someone with no money. Worse still is that this is exactly what my horrible family set me up for. I never knew I was such an easy target.

    I'm just babbling, not even sure where I'm going with this. I really don't want people to tell me it will work out just because that's how things go. I'm not that naive.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    It's okay to choose your battles.

    Go to an ER room that takes patients who cannot pay. If there is any public assistance that can be had they will help you apply for it so they can get paid.

    Your primary battle right now is your health.

    I sold off my stuff once and moved into a travel trailer in an rv park on the northern coast of California and stayed there for 6 years. It was a very healing experience for me.

    When your disability gets approved you may want to file for bankruptcy. I had to do that once and it is worth it not to have that stress any more.

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    nothing is hopeless just your mind your depression making you think that way. Call crisis hospital emerency and tell them you feel this way and they will help you. just reach out before it gets too overwhelming for you okay glad you reach out here to start.
  4. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    The thing about hope is that it's something you have to create for yourself. Right now you don't have much, which sucks, but you have some. You posted here in the hope that someone can help you or give you some advice, unless you just wanted to vent. I believe that when you are suicidal you can have the most hope, because you are desperate and fighting for life, but you have to create it. You're a smart guy, I'm sure it'll work out for you in the end.
  5. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    my life is also hopeless when your health goes your life is over I have no advice for you I am wrapped in a world of hate and regret
  6. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    No it isn't. Write a book.
  7. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    I guess I'm just venting.

    I am slowly, slowly working on a book. It's hard for me to write a book with no ending, though.

    I recently found a place I would like to volunteer, and I can do that, I think. Maybe.

    I don't know of any ERs that will take anyone who can't pay. When I had pneumonia last year, no one would help me. I called the crisis clinic, community resources, and the health center at my university. They all tried to get me to go to this clinic that charged $45 to see people. That's great if you have $45. I'm worried that I have (or am getting) pneumonia again.

    I also stopped taking my thyroid medications (along with my antidepressants). I just can't afford them. My respiratory problems could be associated with the lack of thyroid drugs. Last time I went without, I developed a goiter. It was awful.

    I have a phone interview for Medicaid on Monday. I am hoping for food stamps and (even better) cash assistance. I need to make some phone calls about my SSI application as well.

    But I keep doing things like this and it only gets me in deeper and deeper trouble. People are always telling me how "strong" I am but I am beyond broken. I can't even tell you how many times someone has said "Wow, you've been through so much, most people would have given up by now." I assume that by "give up" they mean "commit suicide." What else would I do? I either wake up each morning or I don't.

    I definitely want to apply for bankruptcy. It's so expensive to file, especially when you consider that it's what you do when you have no money :sad:

    I am waiting to declare bankruptcy until I figure out what I'm doing long-term and what my options are. I need to know how long I'm keeping my car. :badday:
  8. gforce7

    gforce7 Active Member

    i can relate to having no family. neither do i, they are evil abusive psychopaths who have left me f*cked up for life, and have fed off my pain. it's hard to get through hard times in life with no family. :(
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 18, 2009
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.