This is my second time at posting on this site. The first time, I posted in the general forum last October and the moderator removed it. During an email discussion, I told the moderator I would not post in the general forum again. I have posted a few times on the Suicideproject, and discovered I wasn't the only one who felt the way I do. In fact, in December, a poster, who called himself rea3366, and was obviously military or ex-military, posted that he would not live to see the new year. His posts sounded like they were written by me! He has not posted since the beginning of the year and I even posted a message asking him if he was still with us. He never replied. I can only assume he found the courage to carry out his plan. I've visited literally hundreds of different suicide sites, and general forums in which questions about suicide were asked. The general theme seems to be that many people feel it is a cowardly act, and the religiously themed sites tell you that God doesn't want you to commit suicide! I can only say that 25 years ago, I couldn't find the courage to <Mod Edit: Methods> Obviously, many people do find the courage to take the last step. How many of the people who claim it is cowardly would have the courage to cause their own death? But my question is, what if it is God's plan for me to commit suicide? A year ago, I thanked the vet that had saved my favorite pet a year previously, and a few weeks later, celebrated when my child received an ROTC scholarship. I felt I was at the top of the world. A week later, my favorite pet became ill and died. I told God in my prayers that if he would grant me more time with my other elderly pet, and would help my son get through the rigorous medical and physical exams to get into the ROTC program, then I would die to atone for all the things I have done or failed to do, after my other pet died. My son did start the ROTC program after passing all the tests, and I have had more time with my other pet than I expected, but I know that time is running out. I have already purchased a burial plot, made funeral pre-arrangements, and put a deposit on my headstone (all without my wife's knowledge). No one knows I have a plan made out and letters already written. I do have second thoughts at times, but with my wife initiating our recent updates to our wills and other seeming co-incidences, it seems God is gently pushing me to follow through with my promise.