What if it's not enough?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by deb22, Jan 23, 2015.

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  1. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    It's been 2 months since my spouse of 33 yrs passed away. I know it's not long but it seems forever to me. Most days I make it through the day but at dark [5pm] till bed which is usually 4am it gets real tough. Lately it's been bad. I have always suffered with suicidal thoughts but have always been able to cope and would never have left my partner under any circumstance.
    She had cancer and well the friends all scattered like mice during the last year of her life leaving me to deal with it all alone and isolated in the county setting where I live. My family [brothers, father, and spouses] are incredibly supportive and would do anything for me and being gay they accepted her for all our years together, so I am very lucky in that respect.
    My one brother just bought the house beside mine that was for sale and my other brother is selling his house and will be renting from the other. See amazing family. But what if it is not enough? I love them but cannot continue living because of them.
    I do not plan to kill myself but I do have a plan if things get too much. I don't want to end my life to be with her I don't believe that but I do not wish to go on another 20+ years without her either.
    So I guess I am just having some problems with grief, I know that, but there is not really a cure for that.
    I know I will not act impulsively but I am concerned that the feelings are getting stronger not weaker.
    You don't need to comment but thanks for reading it. I come here for hours and hours every night and read posts. It does help but on occasion like tonight ...Well it's just a bad one.

    Thanks..deb
     
  2. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    Hang in there. Wish I could help but all I can really do is be here.
     
  3. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    So sorry for your loss.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I am really sorry for your tremendous loss. I hope you can grieve in peace and move forward. SF is here for you :hug:
     
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I an sorry for your loss and I am not going to pretend to know how you feel because I cannot imagine. I will say that 2 people close to me have been / are in similar situations- My 80 year old neighbor lost his wife of 55 years about 14 months ago, and my father in law lost his wife of 30 years 6 months ago. Both said that the worse was actually a couple months after - because friends, neighbors, and everybody else were around a bit right after and it really did not hit them until a month or two after that it was real and would never see their spouse again - and that was also when everybody else seemed to have forgotten and moved on leaving them by themselves alone in grief.

    Now it has been over a year for my neighbor. He still says something about his wife every time we speak, but it has changed in the last 3-4 months to something nice instead of something sad every time. He seems to be in a better place now personally and has started his own routines instead of trying to follow the same old routines but without somebody making it feel so lonely. My father in law still seems very much beset by grief and has not turned that corner yet, but has in the last few weeks started talking about things he wants to do this summer so I think maybe is starting to believe there is a future possible.

    I know this is not helpful , I wish I had words to make it hurt less but I do not. Just wanted to tell you that it sems very sensible and reasonable you still feel this way and is not different than some I know in similar situations, but it does over time change a and turn from all pain to seeing a future and to pleasant recollections that bring a smile as opposed to tears. I hope the same happens for you and sooner than later, but for no do not feel like it is something wrong with you - it is okay to feel the way you do, but I do honestly believe it will be better , not this week or next week maybe, but over time it will get better and not the constant pain.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
     
  6. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for you replies and support. This forum is a big help for me.
    I am thankful that you all spend the time to respond even though I know some of you are dealing with your own pains as well. [ I read a lot sometimes all night]

    NYJ- Thanks for your involved reply, it is helpful to know how others cope because I have no idea. I have had suicidal thoughts off and on throughout my life but never related with loss so I am aware that this is more pronounced that my usual thinking. I am hanging in and hoping time will pass and my memories will take over the pain. Thanks again.
     
  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Two months is nothing in the grieving process.
    I take it you haven't hit the angry stage yet.?
    My dad passed 3 years ago, he and my mother were married for 56 years and as I grieved for a much loved father, she was completely devastated. Aside from all the complications of probate, funeral arrangements and the like; she had lost her anchor.
    As NYJ said, grieving takes time and the worst bit is when everyone else has moved on and you're still on the floor.
    It does ease with time, and that's the answer, TIME. that and talking about the person you have lost.
    Mum and I still do it and it's 3 years on.
    Please feel free to pm me anytime should you just want to talk about your partner and the loss you feel.
    I will understand.
     
  8. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Have you considered loss support group even if you're in a county setting there might be a group for you somewhere nearby or Therapy to help you work your way through the grief?

    My 89 year old grandfather lost his wife of 67 years March of 2014, not going to lie she was like my 2nd mom and I am just getting used to seeing the random objects that belonged to her without bawling in the house. My grandfather is more tougher than I am and doesn't cry or complain so everyone has their own grief process.
     
  9. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the offer Terry.
    You know the old saying "a watched pot never boils," well it feels very similar. I look at her picture and time just freezes.
    Let me say I am sorry for the loss of your dad, My mother was only 52 when I lost her and yes I went through all the stages of grief but It was different. Don't get me wrong, I loved her dearly and still miss her to this day. My partner was so much a part of me, and I her that it's just different. With my mother I knew I would carry on and I did although it did take time. with my partner we both new the cancer would win and she put up one hell of a fight. I am not angry and I am not ashamed to say I talk to her all the time [crazy cat lady comes to mind], and I know that as humans our only choice is to carry on, it's just so damned hard to want to carry on.
    I know you get that. I am glad that you are their for your mother for the hours at night alone is probably still hard for her and I too am lucky that I have brothers and a Father who are fantastic support for me.

    Take care and if I need you I now know where to find you, Thanks.
     
  10. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You have to stay strong. Life is important and what your family is doing is very supportive. You should deal with life on a daily basis. The pain of a lost one is hard to deal with as you no doubt have a lot of fond memories. He would want you to live your life and enjoy it. I know you are struggling but keep reading the posts as it will help you in current time. Like NYJmpMaster says be safe and careful.
     
  11. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    Hi DFOF, No support groups, I don't even own a cell phone as It won't work where I live. Crazy eh! 67 years wow I thought my 33 was something.
    Bawling is something I am doing quite often as I did not do much the last year of her life as I did not want to add my pain to hers. She knew though and was more worried about me getting through her death than herself.

    I am kinda using this forum as a support and so far it is working for me, even on bad days I am on here reading poetry or posts.
    Thank-you for taking the time to post, I am normally quite a strong individual but recognize that for now at least I need others to help me with this issue.
     
  12. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    Thanks unknown, I am reading at this moment. Just 5 more hours till morning and it's not too bad during the day. Don't know why that is, no company during the day or night but the nights are still too long.
    My family is amazing and I know when the memories of what happened the night she died fade, it will be easier to replace with good memories. I hope to get some help with that in the spring when winter goes away and travel is possible.
     
  13. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

  14. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    Thanks DFOF, I am having a strong day but still broke down at 2 imodicons? hugging Lol
     
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