What if the Ugly Duckling...killed himself?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by The Euthanasia Patient, Nov 21, 2006.

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  1. The Euthanasia Patient

    The Euthanasia Patient Active Member

    Hello, this is my first thread.

    I came across this site as I was google searching all things suicide related. I read through some of the threads, but was a bit unsure if I should register and post or start a thread...so as you can see, I went with the second thought.

    I'm here because I suffer from Bipolar disorder, and am currently NOT taking any treatment at all. In addition to that I'm also suffering from something that no form of madication and therapy can cure, and that is my overdose of ugly. All my life I've struggled with my physical appearance as well as manic depression, erratic mood swings, short temper, self mutilation, ADD, and social anxiety.

    My life is basically an isolated one, where I spend all my days indoors. I used to work part-time jobs here and there, but was ultimately unable to hold any of them down successfully. My condition got in the way of everything; I could not carry out simple instructions as my mind wandered while I was being instructed, my execution of certain tasks always came out half-assed, My mood swings threw me in a mosh pit with fellow employees and customers, I missed work days without notifying management of my impending abscence, and the funniest occurence that would happen every once in a while would be when I would completely disappear from the workplace and return about an hour or two later...sometimes I would not return at all.

    My struggle with my physical looks started as far back as when I first started pre-kinder. Before that I had no knowledge of what beauty and atrocity was, but after I started attending that little school I began seeing what everyone else saw, a Monster. I remember coming home from School and closing myself in my bedroom, look in the mirror and cry uncontrolably. I hated the little fucker I saw as my reflection...and as years passed I wanted to kill him. I began having suicidal thoughts at around the age of seven. I would often fantasize about my own death and me being the main cause of it, I would daydream about it at school and I would often dream it at night.

    I always felt different from everyone else, aside from looking grotesque, I would always be the center of attention among my teachers and other faculty members I was not familiar with. The reason for that was because my teachers thought I had natural talent for Art, and would often put me in the spotlight for every image I conjured up. This did not sit well with my fellow classmates as they saw that I was somewhat favoured by the teachers. I would always get bullied because of it. As if being a freak of nature wasn't enough, I was deemed a suck up and a teacher's pet...as I was often asked to do little art projects for them and when book reports and other visually oriented class projects came into play they always made it vocal as to how much they looked forward to my work. this was all happening during my Elementary School days. My Junior High and High School days were not any better.

    I received physical abuse from the males and verbal abuse from the females. It hurt more being called a "Boogeyman", "Freakshow" or "Caveboy" by the girls more than being pounded by the guys. I could not fight back as they were much bigger than me and roamed the halls in numbers, I could not say anything to the girls because they would either team up on me and go firing squad with words on me, or command the guys to kick my ass.

    I am 24 years old now, and I've never had a girlfriend...let alone know a girl that would look at me without laughing or cringing at my appearance. To this day I suffer ridicule whenever I go out, whether it'd be with friends or just to pick up some supplies, I get funny looks, giggles and even laughter thrown my way. This past summer I was mocked by some goon and his entourage of flunkies. I was basically walking up to my local bookstore and up ahead I notice three guys about to walk by me, I think nothing of it but as soon as we pass by one another, one of them says "ever heard of a razor? hehe, fucking Ape!" ( my arms are hairy...SUE ME!) He and his goons erupted in laughter but I did not respond, not even looked back as it was obvious these fuckers were looking to start something.

    What a long post this turned out to be, there's more to it of course, but I'll save it for another time. Right now I'm extremely depressed and hopeless, this is the most intense suicidal urge I've ever had. I've been doing nothing but calculating how and when I should go through with it, I care not about what my friends and family will feel...as it's just death, everyone will get over it eventually...assuming the feel anything after I'm gone. I feel this vast emptyness in me, this frightening cloud over my head, this fear of continuing a meaningless existance. All I had was my drawings and my musical instruments...but now...nothing thrills me, nothing gives me a sense of comfort or belonging, nothing feels fulfilling. I have a bunch of stories I should finish planning out, but I'm afraid I'll never get to finish them, My aspirations to debut my webtoon has gone out the window, my website....no. I cannot even write a song now without giving up, I cannot concentrate on the arrangements of my songs as my mind is too clouded and unhappiness weighs in on me.

    I'm at my wit's end and I don't know what to do. I used to take medication for my bipolar disorder, but some of the meds that were perscribed to me had too many undesireable side effects, many of which greatly disrupted my creativity. The little world where I would spend my days creating is now abandoned, I cannot get myself in gear anymore as this anguish has become too much. I cannot go outside as I fear being ridiculed and hurt, I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror, and when I do I start grinding my nails across my face until I draw blood. I cry almost every night while repeating to myself "I need to die".

    There's a snipet of what life is like for me. I hope I did not bore you with it.
  2. jessie

    jessie Member

    You use "ugly ducking" in the title of you're post, does that mean you think/hope maybe you will (forgive the sickening terminology) blossom? You sound very talented and it's not fair to leave the world a duller place just 'cos some little upstarts think they can get their kicks out of abusing people. I have always been told bullies are low in self esteem and self respect, and that certainly rings true when I was the bully. Could jealously of your ability be a motivation?

    Maybe if you hate your appearence so much you can take steps to improve what you see as your flaws. I know it would be hard but see if you can get a personal shopper (if you can afford it), or a makeover. A lot of places do these things for free as promotion of their products. Could you start exercising, so if someone gives you grief you can fight back? Not that I condone violence of any type but some people just deserve it...! Or if only to boost your confidence and give you more energy.

    Don't hate yourself. I presume you've done behavioural therapy etc etc (yawn) or at least gone down avaliable avenues? Everyone has things they dislike/hate about themselves, I am recovering BDD so can begin to empathise with what you're going through, although I won't pretend to understand.

    Stay off the suicide. I'm only new on here and just reading some posts helps me a lot. I know it's easy to think that everything will be better if you're dead, but then you will never achieve your dreams. Give a "FUCK YOU" to those wankers and be happy and creative for yourself, you don't have to prove anything.

    I've ranted on. Sorry about that. I'n never one to go down the short and sweet route!

    Take care,
  3. The Euthanasia Patient

    The Euthanasia Patient Active Member

    Hmmm, hello, Jessie.

    The thought of a makeover has crossed my mind many times, but I would feel rather embarrassed if I ever decide to persue it. As for exersice, I'm actually quite muscular, granted, I have a rather small frame but I have some fat in the right places, therefore I was able to turn them into muscle. As for the "Ugly Duckling" title... I didn't know what to title the thread, so I went with that. No spectacular hidden meaning, just lack of creative titles.
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Wow interesting title, I like it.

    I would say that I can relate but I cannot, mainly since I do not have any offically diagnosed disorders. I do not know what to say really. I can relate to the school thing. When I was in elementary school I was praised as bright and creative. As a result I was bullied, nothing physical only verbal by all. This brought about extra attention from the teachers. And you know the story. Only I got out around high school people just forgot I was there. The only people who ridcule me about my apperance these days are my parents. Everyone else just seems to forget I am there. I am not a very loud person.

    The only advice I can give you is to tune out everyone. Go into your own little world and hide there. Also embrace the things you like doing. I know that my co-workers make fun of me all the time for the stuff I enjoy doing in life. But I embrace those things as part of me. There is no reason not to embrace them. There is no reason to be embarassed by them.

    As for the significant other thing. Hey I am right there with you. But what is a significant other? Really all they seem to be are people you breed with other than that they seem to be a pain in the ass. But who cares if you have never had one? You have other methods for validating your existence.

    Look I am not you nor have I had your experience I have only had my own. What I am saying is probably utter crap by anyones' standards I have a much easier life and pretty much have no reason to kill myself... anyway. I have heard that before people will embrace who you are. You first have to embrace who you are.... and right now I am wondering if that is the truth or not because it is not working. Although people are nicer to me... but not by much.
  5. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    I can relate all too well. You brought back some painful memories of school when i got chained to a gate and had rocks pelted at me by my classmates. Other than being born with a incurable disease or deformity, I cant think of anything worse in life than being ugly. Completely and utterly unattractive. Because the world will treat you like a circus clown, or a zoo monkey. Being ugly for me has severely compromised my quality of life. Making it nearly impossible to find any kind of happiness in life. So I understand. My biggest problem is the fact that love and relationships are unreachable. Because not even the most honest and caring people in this world can look past the flesh. Its just human nature I guess. I dont go out anywhere because I get panic attacks if I see some beautiful girl, or a handsome guy, or a couple, or just a group of friends. Instead Im in my room daydreaming and pretending i have a life, married and have kids. My mother often wonders who im talking to in my room. I know im pathetic. The most important step is to try to accept myself. And it is the one thing I can never do.

    I have no answers for you, except before you decide to make that ultimate decision, you better exhaust every option in your life to make yourself better, and help yourself cope and get to a point where you can be content. But if you do somehow find that loophole to happiness, let me know.

    your fellow duckling,

  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Guys please !!! Think of Simon Weston, so hideously burned in the Falklands war.
    since then he has married and has a happy fulfilled life.

    Not all us girls are so shallow that looks or a large wallet are all that matter.
    Give me a generous heart and a good sense of humour anyday.
  7. jessie

    jessie Member

    Here here Devastated, I totally agree. You should see my boyfriend...Only Joking! :tongue:

    TEP, I didn‘t mean to sound patronising, it's just hard to pusuade someone that they're not ugly when you've never met them as it's insincere. Have you sought help? I do know how you feel in part as no matter what people told/tell me I was/am the most hideous thing alive, although to a lesser degree now. If that makes sense. I'm not a very compassionate person but I do try, and if you want anything about how I was helped I'd be happy to share. But then again I'm quite boring...even over the net!

    Ah well, I suppose I haven't helped.
  8. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dear Duckling;

    I'm sorry to hear of your troubles, with yourself and with others. People can be so unbearably cruel sometimes.:mad: It makes me feel sorry for them as they must have a miserable life to be content to make others miserable as well.:sad: Please don't consider suicide as a solution. As long as there's life, there's hope - I believe that sincerely...even when I feel so bad I don't believe anything. Feel free to come here anytime you need a shoulder, or helping hands, or listening ears. We're here for you.:smile:

    hope to see you around. sending love and hugs and hope,

  9. Megazoid

    Megazoid Member

    I have been in either similar or worse situation's than the other poster's. I was born with various birth defects as a new born. I underwent five surgical operations at only 6 months old to regain my eye sight, hearing and remove birth marks from my face. This in turn forced me to wear glassess ever since, have two small scar's above my eyes and i couldn't hear fully until i was about 7 year's old. To make matter's worse i also can't get contact lenses because my eye sight is too bad. My genes made me tall and skinny so I was (and still am) a 'default' nerd.

    Even today at 23 year's old, i can walk down street and have people point at me, laugh at me or make fun of me. I have had business men, couples, school kid's, teenagers and everyone under the sun make passing remarks to my look's or how i look "odd". I have been called ugly, a geek and many other abusive terms on an almost daily basis. I understand why people do this and i find it intresting to be honest.

    I have even been spat on, told to kill myself and many other thing's for no reason at all (other than "being a geek" as one guy shouted!). I find them intresting but unimaginative. I feel very strong when compared to these people, i find it embarrassing that someone would have todo something like this to feel "smart" or for an ego-boast.

    The fact is rather than focus on my look's, i focused on getting good humour and making people laugh. My goal in life - bring a smile to everyones face. I became good at psychology, NLP, Body Language and also work hard on my own hobbies which are programming and music production (I work with two great guy's remixing tracks for some big name artists). I made myself attractive by skill's and not look's. I "made" myself attractive by working with what i had and "could" change.

    However, as much i hate to admit, these people have helped me in many way's. Part of me is greatful for what i have experienced, became i feel alot stronger thank's to this. I appreciate life everyday and i am greatful for my blessing's.

    4 months ago i was close to death, this wasn't due to my mind or emotions, but because i am dealing with an auto-immune disease and hormonal disorder brought on due to a head injury. Every night i sit back and watch my muscles, skin and organs get worse and worse, i am in terrible pain at times. I have had worse bullying than most people here and now i have a bad deal with health (which i might never "fully" recover - even with surgery and medication!). But i will never give up the fight. It will always make me stronger. I will live on to bring to help other's and bring the world at least some happiness.

    I have been on this forum for a few months now and all i see is people dwelling in self pity and not doing anything to change themself. I hear 'fashionable' tag's being put onto so-called mental disorders or "chemical inbalances" people have. While this is true for some people, it only accounts for about 10% of the people on this forum in reality. EVERYONE can change. Diet controls your hormones which in turn effect your mood. Doing excercise help's you to feel good and in turn effects your hormones!

    When you are close to death you realise what you really want in life. I have witnessed first hand what specific food's do to my body. I have seen my mood change very rapid simply by drinking a cup of coffee! I think some people on here really would be suprised how much control they have over their own situations.

    There are no blocks, only obstacles. I want everyone to remember this and keep repeating this in the time of pain or depression. I am here to help anyone who wishes it.
  10. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    I haven't been on this forum long but Ive read some of the most heart-wrenching stories about people on the brink of basically losing their sanity and in so much anguish the only escape they see is death. And were told we dwell too much and live in our own self-pity. I guess the "so-called" mental disorders or chemical imbalances dont exist really, its just a figure of our imagination. Well I have to say, what a "fashionable" imagination people have. The worse thing about the illness may not be the illness itself, but the fact that it is so misunderstood and science is still scratching the surface to figure out causes, treatments, and cures. If diet, vitamins, and exercise was all it took Id be a happy man. I lost 116lbs once. I looked better, but it didnt put a dent into my depression. My best friend shot herself in September. She was bipolar. Its devastating that someone as beautiful, talented, and sweet as her would take her own life. But she did, like all of us, faced with something beyond our understanding.

    Ive been close to death. Its only made me want to be closer. The anguish is indescribable. I do agree that this illness is a obstacle moreso than a complete blockade from a better life. But it is a massive obstacle that takes years for some. And for most, the treatment is insufficient. But suicide should not be considered unless that person exhaust every option to live. I guess if you cant see it on a catscan or xray, it doesnt exist. I come on this board and I see some of the strongest people. People looking for answers, and just want to be understood. But were not, because everyone else thinks were "so-called" depressed.
  11. Syd

    Syd Guest

    Just by living and discussing your problems on this board, all of you who are depressed or suicidal are doing your part to work on the obstacles Megazoid referred to. I don't believe it's wrong to be dramatic and negative, you're simply being honest about your feelings - that's also part of the healing process. For those of you who have been insulted your whole lives, think about it in this perspective.. It's impossible to please everyone, but for each person who sees you as a 'loser' there will be 5 more out there who see you as a hero. I'm one of those 5 people, and I'm proud of you all for having the strength to continue life against all odds. So thank you for showing me human spirit in action. :smile:
  12. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    No, not all...just most.

    Seriously though to the original poster you have battled tremendous adversity. I cant imagine what that must be like...but you need to know, not everyone judges people on the basis of whether they measure up to the ideal male or female.

    Coping with what you have indicates you have tremendous strength, thats an attractive quality in anybody.

    I agree with Megazoid, concentrate on your strengths. There are genuine people out there that will want to be with you for your brain and personality, not your studdly appearance or bank balance...
  13. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    No, not all...just most.

    That was a bit harsh sorry...a better term would be "a significant percentage" :tongue:
  14. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    im with devastated,
    there are some really nice people out there,, and no not all of us females are obssesd with looks, personly i like a nice ass on a guy!
    just someone who wants to make me smile,protect me and would never hurt me would mean the earth to me and would willingly recieve my love and respect.
    dont give up,,open your eyes, there are many other people out there who feel the same way you do, who look in the mirror and dispise what they see,,,

    isnt it funny how a mirror reflects to the person standing in it what the scum of society see with their closed eyes and polluted minds,,
    it takes a real person to be able to see true beauty,,somthing a mirror can never reflect.

    if you ever want to chat,,,,
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 22, 2006
  15. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Not everyone can find that needle in the haystack. Most dont.
  16. The Euthanasia Patient

    The Euthanasia Patient Active Member


    It's hard for me to even believe that there are people out there who can "magically" see past one's looks. The shit I go through everytime I set foot outside my apartment has led me to believe that there just isn't any kindness in people. It's something I can never get used to, I cannot fathom the amount of mocking stares, giggles, laughs, finger pointing, and comments I get all the time. I've even been threatened...THREATENED!! WTF!!

    It's gotten to the point where I'm just about ready to blow. I've tried not to let the world get to me, but it's impossible for someone like me to not be traumatized by all dung slinging just for not being "attractive". It's even worse when I'm going through a manic episode, where the thoughts of people mocking me race through my mind and pull me further down in despair.

    Needle in a haystack? Maybe. Illusion to perpetuate false hope? In my world, most definately.
  17. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    i hate that you feel like that,,,,,,,the new lows people sink to everyday in this world no longer shocks me,,,,,,

    false hope,, no that was not my intention,, some hope,, definitly.like devastated pointed out --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Guys please !!! Think of Simon Weston, so hideously burned in the Falklands war.
    since then he has married and has a happy fulfilled life-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- there are people out there,, yes finding them is like a needle in a haystack,,, thank god for the internet,, a way for people to communicate without having the first impressions of someone being what they 'look' like.

    and the reality that you call 'your' world, i know belongs to many others,,, please know you are not alone.
  18. Serene

    Serene Member

    Or if we find it, we lose it before we even seriously get a chance.

    Happened to me twice.

    There is no guarantee at all that the needle in the haystack will think the same of you. And the most cruel jest is when it does, but because of a string of unlikely bad luck and other difficulties someone else grabs them. Happened to me too.

    Btw, the love of my life is short, only average looking, and broke.
  19. nothing-

    nothing- Guest

    try being like me: short, unattractive, and an emotional mess.

    add on to that the fact that I have suffered from social anxiety disorder all through my teenage years in school and college. i haven't even had the chance to be ignored by girls/women; i have hid my whole life. i have never asked anyone out, because i am extremely anxious, and i know that i'm very inadequate. why would anyone even bother with me; there are so many other guys out there that are tall, rich, and handsome. i have a cynical attitude and i have a strange/vulgar sense of humor; i laugh at things that I shouldn't laugh at; i don't even care anymore. i am not cheerful and happy. i can't relate to anyone.

    i realize that a lot of my problem is because i do nothing about it. if i actually ate healthy and exercised, i would probably feel a lot better about myself. but i don't; i just sit here all day eating garbage food while listening to my arteries harden.

    i don't want a lot from life. i just want to feel what its like to have someone actually care about me, want to be with me, and care about what i have to say. i just don't even know what to do anymore. i know other people have worse problems than I do, but unless you've been there, you have no idea what it feels like to have never been loved. hell, i went though 8 years of school without any girl even showing any interest in me.

    i cannot live alone forever; it is an impossibility for me. i would rather die than be old and alone.
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2006
  20. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Unfortunately...I couldnt agree more, but there's time for me yet, and im sure there time for you as well. SA can be overcome, people have done it!

    Searching for a needle in a haystack might be damn near impossible, but if I find it...just think of how wonderful it will be. Dont give up guys, she's out there somewhere.
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