what if therapy hurts more than why you went

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by icequeen, May 20, 2011.

  1. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    had normal therapy today and he picked up on a trigger on exposure notes i have to make each week. made me go into detail of the trigger not just once but twice. how i did not faint i have no idea...i managed to retain a little control but it was hell and now new exposure is to write about the trigger and read it while i do the exposure. i would rather eat a witchity grub than do that. i have been good to fight self harm but the last 30 mins or so...more and more its calling..its like a physical pain is better than a mental pain. i understand the reason for the therapy but that doesnt make it easy and once in you the bad place...you dont know what happens. do i stop therapy or persevere in the hopes it will get better...take the chance that i can fight the darkness it causes..appt was 0930 and its only the last hour i have come down to a reasonable safe place. not even sure its worth the battle. now i am worried about next session as he will just set off the mind chatter again...its so exhausting...thank god for detachment. moan over
  2. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    hiya honey *giant hug* you are being so brave ! but dont let them push you too far. I think maybe could you talk to your doc before the next session and tell him you want to slow it down a bit? I am concerned that therapy is harsh enough to push you into wanting to self harm. You are being very brave to persevere and i would imagine that he or she is trying to desensitise you but it does sound like it may be going to fast for you xxx
  3. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    thanks shadowgirl, and yes you are right they are trying to desensitive me but there is pressure to do it as you are only allotted so many weeks so that adds to the feelings of failure. to sit in a strange environment in front of stranger and break down and they dont comfort just adds to your pain, but something inside me kept me from totalling losing the plot, if i was at home doing the same...i dont know what i would have done. but to know i have to put myself through the same each day for the next week..i dunno...so guess i will be on and off this week, cant be bothered to make separate post. never thought exposure would be this hard..reality was bad enough.

    thank you :pinkrose:
  4. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    hey hunni,, im glad you went to therapy. its a long very slow process and it always is bad before it starts to get better. got to find the bad bits before you can trace them back and fix them xx take care of you and keep it up,, even when it gets so bad you wanna scream,, its worth it in the end
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i don't think exposure therapy is good for you. can you try another form of therapy, perhaps traditional psychotherapy? not everything works for everyone. sounds like you are being constantly triggered, on the verge of self harm, and feeling suicidal. therapy is supposed to help you regain control of your life, not make things worse. what are your options?
  6. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Is he causing you to deal with the trigger alone? The darkness that you fall into, are you able to write or explain how you feel in this state at all?

    It's a good idea what they are doing, but the pace, is yours to control not theirs. If you feel they are pushing it too far, and not letting your inner self have enough chance to recover, .. You need to stand up for yourself. If he is good, he will ask you to talk about it, about why you feel you need the break, and even in that, if you dont want to talk about it, stand up for yourself again.

    I only mean to say that as.. you dont need to stop therapy. You can alter it's direction or intensity, or atleast you should be able to, and talk about whats bothering you in a lighter fashion, and work your way back to this place you are at now, but with a bit more strength and understanding of who you are.

    Blasting yourself in the hopes that you will kick in and survive sounds passionate, but thoughts and feelings arent exactly so pretty.
    Trust yourself. It doesn't have to be do or die. If it is, and you can make it through he session, then great. But if after the session you are constantly being bombarded with repetitious feelings and issues that you can't make headway through, don't allow another triggering session until you are more in control, and more so, intune with who you are and how you feel. As bad as it gets, you will in time realize the ways of understanding the whys and how to control how you feel, and how to respond to certain stimuli. Dont ever forget that. That process also starts with being able to control the techinques that therapists subject you to.

    Thats what I think atleast. But then again im a bit dodgy in the head so :)

    If anything, just, look after you, regardless of what anyone says xx You matter and you are very brave to be doing this. You should be proud of who you are and what you are doing. Id hope you are atleast :)
  7. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    thanks guys and gals...another horrid day as today was the first day i had to actually write down everything about the trigger, as discussed in therapy, which took me over 4 hours and had me in floods of tears and high anxiety, i had to keep going away from it. havent even attempted the exposure today, its just too much. therapist is v kind and he understands how difficult it is and did ask if i could do the the trigger and exposure at same time (the exposure causes the trigger and this week i have to a) write about the trigger as discussed in therapy and b) do the exposure and read the trigger at same time) so its like getting a double hit.

    dazzle: there are no options, this is it. psychiatrists not interested only to pump you full of meds, they dont talk to you just tell you to pop anothe pill. i waited a long time to see this psychologist so things kinda got worse, as i said elsewhere had 17 weeks in hospital with the promise of everything but got nothing and just made me worse.

    this is my last option but even i am questioning whether the pain it puts me through is worth the struggle, more so that this is the first trigger he has recognised and dealt with full on. i dont know...i get so confused between the pain and potential gain and i have found that some weeks it has pushed me more to SH just feel physical pain rather than emotional pain but i havent told him this.

    i am numb now and glad of it, lets me recharge.

    thanks for the advice and support

  8. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    I dont know of this exposure.
    Ur right they pump you full of drugs.i hope talking to these ppl helps you
  9. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    How are you feeling??
    Sorry if im not much help sometimes
  10. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    dont apologise for anything starryeyed, your support alone is help enough.

    had a tough night...floated through today...did the trigger part of the exposure and it was dreadful, that i dont have the will to do the actual exposure. too tired to deal with a double whammy.

    have detached and found my bubble again so thought i would check in here.

    thank you and everyone for your support, it means a lot

  11. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    had appt with drug and alc team today, they were so nice. are trying to squeeze me in for acupuncture on fri after appt with therapist. might f=be wasit of time but will give it a go.

    today a friend pointed out that i was sucidal yesterday and knew i was thinking of jumping! guess not so smart
  12. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    Acupuncture might do you good.i know hypnosis is supp tobe good
    It helps when these ppl understand and are nice
  13. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    The pain of going through therapy, over the abuse that I went through was so worth the outcome.

    It made me feel better to know that I got it off my chest and out of my mouth. Not saying it didnt bring up memories or thoughts (it did) but Im to the point where Im taking them head on. Im tired of hiding in my corner trying to ignore or forget things that are not pleasant. I want it out of me!!!

    Im still depressed yes, but I can think back to those days and even talk about them, share them and not feel for them anymore. Its like it happened to another person, the depressed me. Im trying to become me again, I want to feel, to think on my own, I dont want the depression to do it for me anymore. Does that make sense?
  14. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    thanks...i will let you know if the acupun workslll
    fingers crossed
    love you all
  15. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    Good luck with the acupuncture. My fingers are crossed. :hug:
  16. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    yes it does..this is what therapist keeps telling me...it will get to the point you can deal with it....its getting there that is hard and you cant control the triggers. just going to slow it all down to my pace...rather than go with the pressure to do within 7 days.

    glad it worked out for you and you got benefit from it. hope i get the same

    :hug: for your pain