Suicide is not the answer...... but neither is indefinite suffering. But thats what people expect you to do. Just.... suffer through it. Indefinitely. Its not their illness. So its so easy to just tell people to get treatment, and hold on, and that life is precious. But its not. Its just not. Not to me. And im pretty much at a point where I dont have any options. I have thrown everything I could at this. And in 20 years it hasnt flinched. It just, remarkably gotten worse. I was officially diagnosed with major depression and anxiety disorder when I was 16. I am what is considered to be treatment resistant. Like whatever the f*ck is going on inside my mind is pretty much invincible I guess. I remember the first prescription I was ever given... a drug called luvoc. I have since been on pretty much everything in the last 20 years. Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Cymbalta(bad side effects), Welbutrin, Effexor, Celexa, Lexapro, Abilify, Latuda(holy crap it almost killed me), Lamictal, Geodon, Buspar, Attarax, Xanax, Klonapin, Lithium, Hydoxyzine, Norpramine, trazadone, Seroquel(nothing made me more drowsy). Im probably missing a few. I have also spent a small fortune on psychiatrists, therapists, inpatient treatments, outpatient treatments, cbt therapy, trauma classes, group therapy, medications, and psychotherapy. I drew the line when they brought up ECT. And then theres the fringe stuff you do out of desperation like trying meditation, herbal products like st johns wort, valerian root, etc, praying to God, getting baptized, exercising, changing my diet, buying a pet. I got tired of being a lab rat and just discontinued everything except the anti anxiety medication and therapist. In October 2012 I was rushed to the emergency room because of severe abdonimal pains, constipation, vomiting, and nausea. Because ive been diabetic since a teenager i was diagnosed with Gastroparesis. And it is a living hell. And what is obviously apparent is there is literally no way to treat it. Cos it involves paralyzation. Im one of the 4 million unfortunate people that have this condition. I have no insurance but even with surgery it will not get rid of all of the symptoms. I live on a liquid diet. Soup and crackers is my breakfast, lunch and dinner. People are suppose to die only once in life. Yet I die every day when I wake up. Im reminded that my life has become and will remain the opposite of every thing I hope it would be. I dont know what is worse.... the psychological pain or the physical. I probably would lean toward psychological. So what now? Im in a state of limbo. Nothing helps. Nothing works. Im virtually untreatable. Far too gone. Far too sick. So I just what? Suffer indefinitely and hope I die a natural death sooner than later? What is expected of me? What if you dont have hope. Literally. What if you dont have support or anything to hold on to? What now? What do I do? The pain has exceeded my ability to cope. Now im just flailing around in misery. My dream now is to be dead soon. And you wont have to read my pathetic rants. But when is suffering too much? Its really gone past suffering and has morphed into torture. Wheres the line? Is suicide ever a viable option? And if not, what is? Induced coma? People are not born suicidal. Death only becomes attractive when you lose hope of everything. Yeah I see a light, but its not at the end of a tunnel. Its at the top of a deep well I cannot climb out of. Imagine you fell into it. And now your embarrassingly reduced to spending your life crying for help, and after awhile you realize help isnt coming. Help doesnt exist. No one cares. Its just too bad. Your stuck. And now, you just stare up at the sky, the clouds and the stars cos its all you have left. And thats the part thats tormenting. Seeing the days go by. Seeing your life so far away. No possible way to get to it. To get it back. And nothing and no one can help. Of course..... of course when your at the bottom of a dark well for so long and death comes whispering in your ear, you will listen. And it will have the sweetest sound.