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What If You can treat it? What happens if there is nothing left?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Multiple Man, Apr 1, 2015.

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  1. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Suicide is not the answer...... but neither is indefinite suffering. But thats what people expect you to do. Just.... suffer through it. Indefinitely. Its not their illness. So its so easy to just tell people to get treatment, and hold on, and that life is precious. But its not. Its just not. Not to me. And im pretty much at a point where I dont have any options. I have thrown everything I could at this. And in 20 years it hasnt flinched. It just, remarkably gotten worse. I was officially diagnosed with major depression and anxiety disorder when I was 16. I am what is considered to be treatment resistant. Like whatever the f*ck is going on inside my mind is pretty much invincible I guess. I remember the first prescription I was ever given... a drug called luvoc. I have since been on pretty much everything in the last 20 years. Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Cymbalta(bad side effects), Welbutrin, Effexor, Celexa, Lexapro, Abilify, Latuda(holy crap it almost killed me), Lamictal, Geodon, Buspar, Attarax, Xanax, Klonapin, Lithium, Hydoxyzine, Norpramine, trazadone, Seroquel(nothing made me more drowsy). Im probably missing a few. I have also spent a small fortune on psychiatrists, therapists, inpatient treatments, outpatient treatments, cbt therapy, trauma classes, group therapy, medications, and psychotherapy. I drew the line when they brought up ECT. And then theres the fringe stuff you do out of desperation like trying meditation, herbal products like st johns wort, valerian root, etc, praying to God, getting baptized, exercising, changing my diet, buying a pet. I got tired of being a lab rat and just discontinued everything except the anti anxiety medication and therapist.

    In October 2012 I was rushed to the emergency room because of severe abdonimal pains, constipation, vomiting, and nausea. Because ive been diabetic since a teenager i was diagnosed with Gastroparesis. And it is a living hell. And what is obviously apparent is there is literally no way to treat it. Cos it involves paralyzation. Im one of the 4 million unfortunate people that have this condition. I have no insurance but even with surgery it will not get rid of all of the symptoms. I live on a liquid diet. Soup and crackers is my breakfast, lunch and dinner.

    People are suppose to die only once in life. Yet I die every day when I wake up. Im reminded that my life has become and will remain the opposite of every thing I hope it would be. I dont know what is worse.... the psychological pain or the physical. I probably would lean toward psychological.

    So what now? Im in a state of limbo. Nothing helps. Nothing works. Im virtually untreatable. Far too gone. Far too sick. So I just what? Suffer indefinitely and hope I die a natural death sooner than later? What is expected of me? What if you dont have hope. Literally. What if you dont have support or anything to hold on to? What now? What do I do? The pain has exceeded my ability to cope. Now im just flailing around in misery.

    My dream now is to be dead soon. And you wont have to read my pathetic rants. But when is suffering too much? Its really gone past suffering and has morphed into torture. Wheres the line? Is suicide ever a viable option? And if not, what is? Induced coma? People are not born suicidal. Death only becomes attractive when you lose hope of everything. Yeah I see a light, but its not at the end of a tunnel. Its at the top of a deep well I cannot climb out of. Imagine you fell into it. And now your embarrassingly reduced to spending your life crying for help, and after awhile you realize help isnt coming. Help doesnt exist. No one cares. Its just too bad. Your stuck. And now, you just stare up at the sky, the clouds and the stars cos its all you have left. And thats the part thats tormenting. Seeing the days go by. Seeing your life so far away. No possible way to get to it. To get it back. And nothing and no one can help. Of course..... of course when your at the bottom of a dark well for so long and death comes whispering in your ear, you will listen. And it will have the sweetest sound.
  2. Jabez

    Jabez Well-Known Member

    Re: What if you cant treat it? What happens when theres nothing left?

    Hi, multiple man. I'm so sorry that you have so much to deal with. The list of meds you have tried is amazing - I'm sure I would feel very discouraged to try so many things and have no success. I'm discouraged when just the therapy im doing seems to be going nowhere or backwards.
    I can also relate to how difficult it is when depression becomes complicated by severe and chronic health issues. It really has left me wondering whether I even want to recover front he depression just to have to keep dealing with pain and medical interventions... But I keep on trying for now.
    I wonder if it is worth giving the ECT a go, after all? It seems like you have reached the bottom (your image of the well is so clear to me! I have thought that how I feel is like having fallen down a mine shaft...). Maybe if you feel there is nothing left to lose you could give it a go and see if there is anything to gain? Some people apparently get really good results for treatment resistant depression.
    Just a thought. But I can understand that the idea is pretty scarey!

    Please hold on there, Multiple Man, and know that I am thinking of yo. I hope you find some positive experience soon.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 1, 2015
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Re: What if you cant treat it? What happens when theres nothing left?

    You've had a lot of struggles for a long time. A lot of effort without much or any reward. I can appreciate that after so much, you may feel like not trying anything more.

    If you still want to try, there's still a few things to try. The link in my signature has some information.

    Since you've got a combination of mental and physical illness, I strongly recommend trying acupuncture and chinese herbal medicine. Acupuncture has been endorsed by the world health organization and also the US NIH for treating a variety of conditions. Acupuncture can be expensive though, so you might want to look for a student clinic or free clinic if you decide to try it.

    You mentioned that you don't have insurance. What country are you in? If it's the US, you should be able to get coverage under the affordable care act.

    It looks like rTMS and ECT are the remaining conventional treatments that you haven't tried. I know that you said you drew the line at ECT, but it might be worth reconsidering. The ECT that they give today is a lot milder than it was in the old days, and given with anesthesia. I would say it's the last treatment to consider though because of the problems of memory loss. That said, if ECT is the only thing that you haven't tried, it sounds like a much better option than suicide.

    Things like meditation, exercise, and dietary changes can be good for some people, but because of the severity and complexity of your illness you probably need a professional to oversee any kind of treatment like that, and it wouldn't be reasonable to think that these things would do more than give partial support. I wouldn't recommend to anyone that they try self-prescribing medicinal herbs.

    So I would recommend trying in order

    1. Acupuncture and Chinese Herbal Medicine

    2. rTMS

    3. ECT

    Whatever you decide to do, I hope that things can get better for you soon.
  4. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Re: What if you cant treat it? What happens when theres nothing left?

    I can really relate with your post. I'm in so much pain and nobody really cares and even if they did, they wouldn't be able to help me anyway. I've been put on all kinds of meds and nothing helps. I hate my life and I hate this world. I feel like the whole world is crashing in around me and there's nothing that I can do to stop it.
  5. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Re: What if you cant treat it? What happens when theres nothing left?

    I don't have an answer for you MM, only the deepest sadness that you are suffering so much. Well, okay, maybe I don't have an answer, but I at least have an idea....

    I know from a previous thread that you don't think you'll get disability, even with the help of a disability lawyer, but are you sure that's not possible? It might take time to find the right lawyer - that's the sense I get from a lot of the success stories I've read. Anyway, most lawyers will give you a free evaluation so it is worth finding out for sure. What do you have to lose?
  6. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Re: What if you cant treat it? What happens when theres nothing left?

    I told someone once, life is expensive. It cost an arm and a leg to buy back your health and sanity. Life is expensive. And some people cant afford one. I obviously am one of them. I cant afford to buy back even a fraction of my mind. I look at ECT and tms the same way I think of suicide. If I do it, im afraid my consciousness will end up somewhere worse. I would have to have a long and thorough conversation with not only doctors, but several people who have received ECT and rtms treatments to know what affects its had. I just dont want to end up somewhere worse. Although memory loss would be great, if I could actually choose the memories i want to erase.

    Filing for disability is like a double edge sword. Its a 2-3 year process. I cant get it because I still drag myself to work everyday so I dont end up homeless. So I dont qualify. I cant stop working even though it is a daily struggle. Ill work until im incapacitated... which seems to be the only way they would approve you.
  7. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Re: What if you cant treat it? What happens when theres nothing left?

    ECT is about the only thing that I haven't tried mostly due to the expense of it. I don't think that it would help me anyway. One thing that I do still seem to have is my memory. It didn't take me long at all to get on disability.
  8. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Re: What if you cant treat it? What happens when theres nothing left?

    Now I understand about the problem with disability. I didn't realize you were not allowed any income at all. What a cruel nightmare. You are being punished for working - so terribly terribly unfair.

    My psychiatrist once recommended ECT and rtms to me since, like you, most of the meds don't work. A few do, but I can't afford them. You're wise to get as much info about these non-med treatments as you can. I'm too scared of them myself but actually do know one person who was treated with ECT who swears by it.
  9. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Re: What if you cant treat it? What happens when theres nothing left?

    A law school clinic or a community legal aid organization might be a good place for legal help with disability. I hear the way it works with the private lawyers is that they get a cut of the check you are issued when you are finally approved. I guess you get a certain amount of back pay for while you were waiting. This gives the lawyers an incentive to stretch out the process for as long as possible then.

    So I think you should be eligible for health insurance under the affordable care act. Even if you're working, if you're poor enough, you can get subsidized health care.

    Qualifying for vocational rehab is a lot easier than getting full disability. They might be able to find you work that would be better for your health and well being. They can also give you other kinds of assistance.
  10. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Re: What if you cant treat it? What happens when theres nothing left?

    This is what Anneinside has to say about ECT http://www.suicideforum.com/showthr...g-Depression&p=1242236&viewfull=1#post1242236

  11. Danialla

    Danialla Well-Known Member

    Re: What if you cant treat it? What happens when theres nothing left?

    MM, I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I wish there was a no question best course of treatment I could suggest, but I ave to say swear by ECT also! It is the only thing that has saved me from my treatment resistant/suicidal depression. I still take a boatload of meds but the ECT is far and away the best investment I've made. I have been having it for 1 and a half, every 2 weeks, but you wouldn't have to have it that frequently. I do not have much memory loss and if I do forget something I too remember it when I am reminded.
    Please take care of yourself.
  12. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    replacement thread test

    Private attorneys charge 33% up to a a max of $5000 (maybe $7000 now but it is capped) - it is controlled by federal law. The big issue is there is no payment for 6 months from date it is effective. It can take along time to get through, here in NY they said would be minimum of 2 years but the attorney I used (a national disability firm) got it all done in 11 months even counting appeals and going to judge. If you stop working on April first and a year from now they say you are approved, back pay starts 6 months later so Oct 1st and you receive back pay from that date until the first check. Medicare does not start for a minimum of 1 year from effective pay date , so medicare would not start until Oct 1st of the next at the earliest, but in most cases is two years, so usually you are left with 2 years and 6 months from the last day you work without insurance most often (unless fortunate enough to be covered under a spouse insurance or VA medical as I was). If anybody ever does try to get disability I would 100% (based on my experience and that of many others I know) go with a specialty disability attorney because everybody I know that went with private attorney took far far longer and did not get as favorable ruling for start date. The specialist in large part do know what they are doing and the cap of the amount they get paid gives them incentive to work as fast as possible and that is all they do, it is not busy work when not working on another client paying by the hour. Just based on my experience. I have known half dozen people that tried to get disability without an attorney, none were successful, including th eone with an "automatic qualifying illness" until they got the attorney.

    The entire system make sit so somebody like the original poster trying to stick it out to survive finds it nearly impossible to go through the process without becoming completely bankrupt in the process. If already not working is fine, if still trying to work to eat is incredibly unfair. The only chance for insurance in that case is to hope you get enough subsidies to make it possible to afford obamacare through the exchanges, and then , if you are low enough income to get assistance with the deductibles and copays is okay. If not, between the high premiums and the crazy deductibles it is far cheaper to pay dr visits out of pocket and then you cannot afford surgeries or more advanced treatment.

    So far as treatments for the gastroparesis , Mutlipelman is 100% correct in saying the options really suck. One medication is made for it and aside from overpriced it has permanent side effects. I also choose not to take that medication. The surgical options are not a lot better even if you did have a way to pay for them, so it is a a predominantly liquid diet or suffer severely for choosing to eat a real meal.

    I am sorry you are in your situation , and I have no answers for you Multipleman. I just wanted to clarify for some of the people in other countries the difficulties in trying to get disability in your situation, and that the treatment options are as you described for the physical issue because i know how frustrating it is to get (while very well meaning and appreciated) advice about diets and treatments that simply do not exist for some physical conditions. I was luckier on the mental health treatments, but to be honest while they control the "symptoms of depression" , all the physical issues still exist and make life difficult in the best of circumstances. While it can be managed by sticking to a basically liquid diet and ridiculously small meals ,there is nothing enjoyable about not being able to eat regular meals and choosing meals based on how offensive they will be if thrown up and the considerable pain of that occurs with it.

    For me, as there are also no real treatments, It is a matter of persevere and trying to find some day or the occasional time when life , if not good, is not as bad as other times. To me it is about people that mean something to me, and the few things that I can still find pleasure in like my animals. Asking someone to learn to be satisfied with so little is a tall order however. I hope you do find some things that can still make some days or some hours in some days have value.
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