what if you do not like yourself???

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Petal, Sep 4, 2016.

  1. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    How could I possibly blame my niece or sister for not talking to me when I don't even like myself? I always end up hurting people, not on purpose, it just happens. I do not like the person that I am. I'm even starting to feel like I don't fit in here. I am not smart or witty or cool like the rest of you who can have a decent conversation and the lols. I just stand out like a sore thumb. I try my best to help people, I really do but I am really starting to despise myself. If I misunderstood something or get in the way or do something wrong, I feel so terrible about it. Sick of waking up every day to take meds, seems to be my only purpose in f'ing life, even the diabetes ones, just fucking sick of it now. I want to be normal and have a normal life but the problem is that I am far from normal. I know I have great friends here, better than I deserve, so, I am just sorry for being me.
  2. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    there is no such thing as NORMAL!

    AND let me just say this
    You are beautiful and have such an amazing soul i know you find it hard to see those things in yourself, i get it.
    you have help me so much over the time i have go to know you, especially the last week if not longer as i am struggling and struggling hard, and your always there to make sure that i have love and support.
    I couldn't appreciate you any more even if i wanted to
    Also you make me laugh quiet often my dear or put a nice big smile on my face =)
    please know that i love you, and if you feel you dont belong anywhere know that no matter were you go or what you feel i will walk with you every step of the way
    *bigges hugs to you*
    Petal likes this.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Awww @na-taya That is beautiful, thank you so so much, andthanks for literally always being there for me, I truly do appreciate your kindness and support each and every day :)
  4. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    you know i will be here anytime i can (time difference n such)
    love you beyond words lady cakes xxxx
    Petal likes this.
  5. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hugs. You do fit in here. You are kind and caring.
    Petal likes this.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thank you darling, it's just sometimes I feel so isolated and alone and do not want to burden anyone with my issues.
  7. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    I have a feeling that here you give so much more than you receive on the support basis but don't hesitate to share your thoughts. Don't feel bad for it. Let it loose. I know a lot of people that would be here for you. I don't think you stick out. I think you stick in. Whenever I think to myself hmm, how can I show my support, I think hmmm how can I harness Petal's magical supportive powers?

    P.S. I want to be normal too. Does that make us the same, and then in effect normal? :p
    Petal likes this.
  8. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi Petal,

    That's why we're all here right? To unburden and not feel so alone. I can't say all of the things I've said to the SF community to my boyfriend, by any means. That silence and swallowing of anger and hurt was killing me slowly. But unburdening myself here is such a comfort. Your issues are just as important as anyone's.

    And btw, if anyone called me "normal" I'd be insulted ;). I find my own "normal" and that's just ME. I don't fit in with society at all, and at this point, I don't want to. I don't mind isolation, though I prefer to think of it as a choice. I did make the choice of solitude over society and I have to say, I'm much better off for it.

    I know what you mean about the meds...I have to say I'm grateful I don't have to be on them anymore. I mean, I chose the Prozac, but I stopped taking it yesterday, the migraine was too bad to handle.

    Can I ask you, is the diabetes something that can be managed without meds by losing weight? I only ask because you've mentioned you are losing slowly.

    You're such a sweet person, I don't think you're a burden at all :)
    Petal likes this.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Awww you guys are so sweet.

    @Frances M Yes the diabetes is something I can control, right now it is under control and I am slowly but surely losing weight. Idk exactly what these numbers mean but 48 is the diabetes mark and by changing my diet I have gotten the numbr down to I think it was 38. So I am doing well on that aspect.

    Sorry to hear prozac gave you nightmares, the medications can have awful side effects, did you consult with your doctor before stopping taking them? As you could go into withdrawal. What I meant about the meds is I hate having to rely on them all the time, wake up take meds, go to bed take meds, its withering, thank you so much for your support.

    @Brittless you are a sweetheart!! Thanks for your support it means a lot and your kind words of wisdom say a lot about you! Thanks :) I think that makes us both ''normal'' hahaha
    Brittless and Frances M like this.
  10. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    You are a bit depressed today and a depressed state makes us hate ourself. I have no idea why but it's something we all experience.

    Rationally I'm sure you know what a good person you are. You are also intelligent, articulate and have a gift to make us smile.

    I hope you will feel better soon

    Big big hugs
    Petal likes this.
  11. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Congrats on lowering that number, I don't know what it means either, but lower must be better!! :) I remember the days of waking up to meds and going to bed with meds, even having meds as an appetizer before meals, I hated it too. I do hope one day that you can be med-free if that's an option for you!

    The Prozac, no, I didn't ask the doctor because I was only taking 10mg and I only took them for 5 days before the migraine got unbearable. It's been 2 days since I stopped and my head is feeling a lot better. I read about withdrawal, and that Prozac has a long half-life. It's likely still a little in my system for another day or so, so withdrawal won't be an issue since the dose was so low and I took it for so few days. I feel a lot better today though. Disappointed, but I can't handle the head pain. I'm going back to my herbal remedies and hope for the best :)
    Petal likes this.
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    @Northern Tbh, I wouldn't call it depression, it's being annoyed at myself for not being the person I dreamt of being when I was a child. I let the inner child in me down.
    27, don't drive, live at home (by choice) i have attachment issues, have a part time job making food and cleaning and on disability (you are allowed to earn up to 120 on disability if its rehabilitative work). I have no friends anymore, one was toxic to me, the other is a user. How does someone my age find new friends? People think im a weirdo, crazy etc... etc... but your words mean so much to me, I really appreciate them :)

    @Frances M Thank you, it took a lot of determination and hard work to get that number down but I did it :) Proves im not completely usesless lol I would love to be med free,I have just came off valium, zyprexa is next on the list to come off but it helps me which is a catch 22. It puts me to sleep like baby in a cotton cot.

    Regarding the prozac,make sure to tell your doctor you stopped taking it and hopefully they can try you on something else. I know taking meds is a bummer but sometimes is the only way. Mirtazapine worked extremely well for me as does lustral currently. No giving up. It's not allowed :) Thanks for being so kind to me :)
    Frances M likes this.
  13. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Honestly, where I live, it's impossible to get a family doctor. I haven't seen the same doctor in over 10 years. The waiting lists are ridiculous. A general practitioner at a clinic is the one who gave me the prescription because I specifically asked for it. I told him my history and he didn't seem to be interested, just whipped out the old prescription pad. In the past I went through years of trying different meds and Prozac was the only one that had any good effect, so that's the only one I considered re-trying. I'd forgotten about the migraine side effect though. It jogged my memory the other day, 7 months of headaches before my body finally got used to it. I'd rather not go through that again. I really don't need meds anymore, I just was desperate for some added help to get me through the winter, you know the issues. But I can and will manage it without pharmas! :) I remember taking zyprexa...I don't remember how long I took it, but my p-doc switched me to seroquel back in the day. I hated those because they screwed up my metabolism and that's why I gained all the weight.
    Petal likes this.
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I hope you can get some form of medical help, you deserve to and other medications might work too. Oh don't even tell me about the weight gain lol Before meds I was underweight, i'm now severely obese. 7 mkkonths of headaches? geeez. you are tough.I would not have been able for that, please keep trying and keep reaching out. Give yourself the life you deserve:)
    Frances M likes this.
  15. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I'm working on that one day at a time :)
  16. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    And by the way, I just proved that you are a sweet, helpful person because your post turned into you supporting me too! :)
    Petal likes this.
  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Awww thank you honey <3
  18. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Wow, this sounds almost exactly like how I feel about myself. So I know these thoughts are not easy to deal with. But never forget that you are an awesome person. Don't let the depression kick your ass, we are here to help you through it all :)
    Petal likes this.
  19. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    You're a beautiful soul, and should put all your energy not into self hate but into self-love. Your support never goes un appreciated. Feel better!
    Petal likes this.
  20. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thank you all, feeling a bit better today, much better. I just had a bad day, that's all :) Thanks so much for the beautiful messages, i heart you guys/gals :)
    Frances M likes this.