What if you just don't like life?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by glacier3141, Oct 6, 2009.

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  1. glacier3141

    glacier3141 Member

    OK, I hate to be unoriginal, but here is yet another pathetic suicidal person here to spill their guts.

    My ability to express myself comes and goes, sometimes I'm crisply articulate, sometimes I don't know what the heck I'm saying, so we'll see how this ends up.

    It's obvious that when a person considers taking his or her own life, something is deeply wrong with their life, for whatever reason(s). Frequently there are common specific reasons (or triggers) like relationship break-ups, school failure, financial problems, job loss, various personal psychological issues, plain old chemical clinical depression, and still many other factors.

    But rather than just dive into whatever specific qualms I have, why don't I just preface my central thesis of the reason for suicide: what if you just don't like life, period?

    I think most people agree that life should be enjoyed. So if you don't enjoy life, and are unhappy most of the time, then what in the heck is the point of living? As our experience of life is entirely subjective, why should life be worthwhile, at any cost, when you just can't find any true happiness in it?

    When I sit down to spell out the reasons why I'd rather not exist anymore, I can come up with the laundry list. But the overall arc, the bottom line, is that I am just deeply unhappy with life, and have felt that way for a long time. Isn't that good enough?

    I've been off-and-on suicidal for a full 7 years now; 7 years ago is also when I first attempted to take my life. (It failed, obviously.) Back in the early days of my bouts with suicide, I heard things from people or read things online and such regarding the usual cliches, and one of them I remember: "Things get better. Your situation will change."

    Well, here I am, seven years later, and I can tell you no, they haven't changed. Ok, so what, the little things like where I'm at in school, or what job I have, etc. have changed. The normal details of life. But that overall arc, that full assessment of life--do I like it better now than I did then? No, I can't say that I do.

    After the first attempt, I tried to focus back on my life. But my mental processes always get stuck in the same recursive thought process, my face being shoved into the things I don't like about life or myself and not knowing what I could do about them, other than to outright end them (and, by consequence, everything else) but just straight up ending my life. I picked myself up and went about my life, but always do I end up hitting the same brick walls.

    And I disdain that other cliche, too: "It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Yes, the solution is permanent, that's true. Is the problem temporary? Says who? How do you know it's temporary, and conversely, how do I know the problem isn't? But that's the thing: you have to take a step back and try to rationally evaluate your problems and any potential solutions. But I've tried taking the rational approach, and I honestly don't see any solutions to those problems, or at least any solutions that would really feel to be "solutions" to me. It's the assumption that all problems are temporary that annoys the hell out of me. OK, technically, all problems are temporary because life itself is temporary. But then all that goes to show is that the problems will only be over once you are over!

    That's not to say all problems are the same. Some problems are temporary, some aren't. Everyone is afflicted by one or the other, or often both. Some people, the group we fall into, aren't able to cope with those problems and we seek escape out of life itself. Others somehow find ways to cope or solutions to their problems, or at least to a great enough degree that they keep on living. But it looks as though I am perpetually in the former group. My attitude is, if there really are no solutions to my problems, then why bother?

    I realize how big of an asshole I am for this. I know that, objectively, the are people around the world who have it worse than me--people dying in the wars, people suffering from drought and disease and poverty and all the ailments of third-world economies and conflicts. I am genuinely sorry for them. Yet in spite of this recognition I cannot avoid becoming self-absorbed in my own torments. My rational recognition of their problems says nothing about mine. The intended effect might be "Things could always be worse," but still that says nothing about the actualy unacceptabiliy with which I regard my existence and problems.

    And if I have truly been off-and-on suicidal for no less than seven years, then why the heck haven't I finally gone through with it in the past? In spite of all my personal justifications to take my own life, I can't ignore the one deterrent to suicide that I do take seriously: its impact on family members. I don't want to hurt my family. Each time I have had a suicidal bout, wanting so badly to end it all, the image of my painfully grieving family is one I can't banish from my head. It's enough that I bite my tongue and just continue to suffer. But the thing is, I don't know how long I can hold steady on that path. I don't know how long I can resist jumping into selfishness and finally being done with it all. It's a dilemma I face everytime I have struggling episodes of suicidal feelings.

    Speaking of family, one might say, "Oh, well you apparently have a family who you love and loves you! Isn't that enough to dismiss suicide once and for all?" No, it's not quite like that. I don't really feel much love for my family. It's a horrible thing to say, but it's true. Yes, there's a basic, in-born love between me and my family, of the assumed kind. But I don't truly feel their love. More like, it's a burden. Most people find meaning in their life partially (maybe primarily) through their interpersonal connections, their family and friends. That connection is strong for such people. But it's not strong for me. My family is there, but that's all: they're just there. I don't feel anything about it, one way or another. Yet still, I hold onto life because whether or not I feel like I love my family or that they love me, it's still a group of individuals who would experience pain at my departure. That's a cruelty I wish nothing more in the world to avoid. But that is ALL that stands between me and going through with suicide.

    And the family situation is not that prohibitive of suicide: I don't have a wife and kids--basically, dependants. I turn 25 next month, and I still live at home with the folks. I have two sisters who have their own family, and that's basically the family tree in my situation. But these people are not dependents. They don't depend on me financially or emotionally like actual dependents would. If I had a wife and kids, that probably would be such a massive barrier and I could never offend that obligation, no matter how bad life got. (I'd like to think so, at least.) But since I don't have such dependents, it feels like I have more leeway to finally commit suicide. Yes, my non-dependant family members will still feel grief nevertheless, but it won't be as starkly immoral as if I had left behind a spouse and children to fend for themselves. It's not the same thing.

    So that's the situation. I'm repeatedly slammed in the face by thoughts of suicide but my wish to not hurt my family stands in the way, but week by week I wonder if I can't finally just say "to hell with it" and be done with it once and for all.

    There really is no other solution. I know what my problems are and what their solutions would be, but I am not able to obtain those solutions. I won't go into detail, as this has grown longer than I intended it to be, but the bottom line is that I don't accept who I am, I don't accept my position/circumstance in life, and I just plain don't have what it takes for this life. Seeking a conselor won't help. It's not a matter of a chemical imbalance in the brain. Medication won't do anything--in fact, the only thing it would serve to do is force me into a happiness where my core situation has not changed at all; that sounds horrifying to me, to have all my problems stay the same yet be chemically forced into a reaction. Screw that. So forget medication--what about just talking to the therapist? That won't do good either. I've had endless conversations inside my head, arguing with myself over my problems, and I already know what a therapist will likely say (or not be able to say) about each problem.

    I know where the responsibility for happiness lies--it lies within us. We are responsible for our happiness, no one else, I completely understand that. Don't accuse me of having the wrong expectations about anything. But while happiness is our responsibilty, that doesn't mean it's our capability. I don't think I am capable of truly finding happiness. I have been searching for the longest time, to no avail. Little things here and there distract me from the unhappiness of life, of course--but they are the briefest, fleeting moments at best. Like when I listen to a song I like, or watch a good movie, or go swimming. I'm temporarily immersed in the diversion that each brings, but them my attention is swiftly returned the the deep disatisfaction inherent with life.

    What's the point of writing all this, then? I'm not expecting any answers. I'm just here to share my story, like others here do. So am I going to commit suicide? I feel like I will eventually, I just don't know when. But I am very unhappy with life overall, have been that way for a long time, and don't see anything changing in the future. The struggle will only continue. I keep on trucking in the meantime, for the sake of my family as I explained above, but I don't know how long I can maintain that struggle.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 6, 2009
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    What is keeping you from trying medication and seeing a therapist? I don't buy your argument that there is nothing you can do.

    I've attempted suicide twice. I live the ins and outs of this matter.

    You did a good thing for yourself by posting here. I hope you post more to get the thoughts from going round and round in your mind and I hope you go see the doctor.

  3. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    The thing that I have found most helpful in coping with my own ideations is talking with people here on the forum. I tried meds and hated them. They came as close as anything to pushing me over the edge and as for therapists I know they cannot change my circumstances. It is a fight to keep going but having somewhere I can come to and talk openly about how I am feeling is a great support. In real life talking about such issues can just freak people out. Hope you can find something in life to make things more tolerable. Best wishes.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I read your thread and found several similarities.. But I do think you are wrong about therapy.. You say you have all these arguments with yourself in your head..A good theapist can help you sort them out..They can teach you coping skills and go over your cognitive distortions.. I too live for my family which includes my daughter and grandaughter.. She is the light that keeps shining in me..Life has many pitfalls but you can get back up and dust yourself off..I hope you rethink your stand on things and seek a therapist to help you deal with this...Take care!!
  5. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    This may not be the most appropriate answer and forgive me in advance but your comments about the fact that it would cause your family pain if you killed yourself suddenly hit me in a way I haven't realized before. That I think how so very lucky people are who can know that someone else would be devastated by their death. I don't have any image in my head of anyone being that upset by my death. Maybe one or two people would miss me for a while, but there'd be no grief no real pain. That's starting to upset me saying that so will shut up.

    I guess I wanted to say to you that even though you say you don't feel that much for your family, the fact that somewhere in you, you have a knowledge of how they feel abut you - that's your core. That gives you a sense of self as ok, worthy, lovable. Find that core, get in touch with it - that's what will help you find a way to getting something good out of life.


    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    when we are born, we have no idea what life is all about.

    not liking life doesnt just happen. theres reasons for it. yes its true, the temporary high we may get from a movie or some laughter takes away the mindset for a short period of time.

    we have to have some reason WHY. i know there are many. sometimes we simply dont like admitting what they are.
    i have felt that way for years. im tired of life. there has to be a reason .. and there are many.
    if one asks themselves " would i kill myself if things went exactly the way i wanted them to?

    we grow tired of that which slows us down. we become depressed which slows us down even more. soon, nothing is reachable. you are the only one that controls your happiness. very true. however, when the time comes that just getting out of bed is a major undertaking ... we advance to the point where we simply dont care.

    for those that suffer from medical issues, i leave out of this because i cant imagine what or how they feel. if i said i did, id be lying.

    im almost 50 and i have been tired since the 7th grade. yes its from things that happened. those things came and went. new things came and went.
    no somethings dont ever change, and the fight continues.
    other than medical, its not the issue thats the problem, its how we handle it. however ... some of us have come to the point where we just dont have the mental strenght to fight anymore.
    then what ?? we end up here ?
    maybe because we find it easier to bitch and complain about it instead of utilizing all that energy and seeking an answer ?
    it is a emotional mindset that we began to build inside ourself. once its built theres nothing much we can do about it .... unless we really want to.
    it just takes alot of effort ... on the mind.
  7. Tom

    Tom Member

    Hi glacier3141. It was good for me to read your posting. I felt like I could have written it, it's so similar to how I think of things, except for a few differences. I also agree with all the responders too.
    Personally, I'm so glad to have joined this site, even though I feel terrible about things, all the time, and have done for many years.
    So, all the best to you glacier3141, I hope that things improve for you somehow, soon.
  8. lifeislife

    lifeislife Member

    If you get some chemical disbalance or damaged brain ( or you just hate life ) from long term sadness, then i believe it can be healed only by long term happiness. I dont think there is other way around it. Drugs or talking dont do much.

    And i feel very similar to what you have described.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 6, 2009
  9. bluto

    bluto Member

    I share the same sentiments as the OP. Certainly, we didn't ask to be born (at least I didn't). I'm not interesting in living anymore. Yes, at 34 "I still have lots of time" but lets just agree to disagree... to be clear - sure I can grind out some kind of desperate existence, but who wants to do that?

    I believe there is a stigma around suicide because:
    - People don't want to be caused to feel bad because someone else killed themselves... nothing to do with concern for the other person, they just don't want to feel bad for themselves
    -Those who run the world need ditch-diggers to support their luxury lifestyle... if you agree that most folks who want to commit suicide are less fortunate (its an assumption, I'll admit), so better to keep otherwise suicidal people around... ironically these people may be a bigger "tax" financially and emotionally than those who do commit suicide.
    I wish it were much easier to commit suicide... I don't because I don't want a badly failed attempt, for instance putting yourself in a coma, paralyzing yourself etc... that is the worst of all...
  10. Montage

    Montage Well-Known Member

    First off, you write beautifully :)
    I see so many things we have in common... Im 26 and wrote my first suicide letter at 7.. Thats 19 years so far of wanting to kill myself but I haven't.. Family is the only reason for as well. But I must say I do disagree with a few of your points.. I've been on medication now for 7 years. It doesn't "force" you into reaction. For me at least I had a lot of anger issues (still do) and the medicine for me just helped that go away and made some days a lot more tolerable. I've seen many therapists. One for around 8 years now. I call him when I get really bad. I HATED going in the beginning but it really did help alot with my situation. I think you might be surprised if you gave it a shot with the right person. I was.. Your point about the problem being temporary, I feel ya.. Mine isn't temporary. Mine will never go away. I was abused and then abandoned and the list goes on and on. I guess its just learning to live and cope (deal) with what you've been dealt. Everyday is a struggle. I understand that. It is for me.. I guess I just wanted to tell you that I understand how you are feeling, I don't know what the root of your depression is but I will pray for you. And if you ever wanna talk, I'm here :)
  11. lifeislife

    lifeislife Member

    Excatly, i feel like im being forced to live. Because somebody else need slave who will work for him. Im forced to pick some drastic decisions which require lots of courage or do some really deep digging on how to kill myself and then keep my fingers crossed i will not end as vegetable.

    I wonder what would happen if there was some really easy way to commit suicide. Lets say you wanted to do it and they give you 30 days waiting time to change your mind and if you dont then over. Would be interesting to find out how many people would do it.
  12. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    I don't think you're just another pathetic person at all. It sounds like in reality, you're probably more rational than most who attempt suicide for emotional reasons. Is it just that you don't enjoy anything? I know that if one has a large perspective, things can seem extremely predictable and boring. And I mean almost everything, including most things that people find interesting. That part really rang a bell with me. I rarely, if ever, meet people in my online travels who want to end their life because things are boring, or uninteresting. Or because they don't like it. It's almost always because they are suffering from such extreme mental anguish from a negative psychological reaction.

    Why are you unhappy though? There has to be some fundamental reason, or something missing in your life. Do you lack someone that you can truly connect to? Actually, its gotta be that. You said that you feel like your family is just 'there', but that there is no connection. You have no one who truly empathizes with you, and its probably been like that for most of your life. I have a family too, and I guess there is quite a similar situation, though things in the past were very sour.

    The things people go in third world countries, while maybe 'physically' worse says nothing about the emotional reactions. The level of emotional pain felt by one depends on many things, not just 'oh its better or worse'. It depends on level of perception, emotional facilities, past, etc.

    I think that basically you need to evaluate what is missing. Its clear that you lack someone TRULY there, so that might be something to strive for. But that's incredibly difficult, because honestly, people with real empathy aren't that common. I don't want to impose on you, but some of what you say really does ring a bell with me, though I think in some ways we are different too. I realize exactly what I want out of life...to have power over my surroundings, to have someone to relate to me on my level, etc etc but I feel (and logically observe) that much of that is extremely difficult to get. I also had a period where I went into 'overdrive' and my perspective expanded to the level that things became really boring, but I couldn't take all the emotions from seeing everything under the microscope (whereas most people see shit from a distance). I feel the horrible coldness inside and want to end my life just as bad as you do, but I on the other hand have an extreme will to fight and know what I want. So I think if you truly knew what you wanted, you might gain some more will to fight it. But in a way, that may be worse, because the clashing of the 'fighter' and the 'suicider' brings a TON of tension, enough tension that it completely tore me apart at one point in my life and caused my real self to be stripped away.
  13. glacier3141

    glacier3141 Member

    Thanks for the replies, and it's good to see us try to support each other even though we cannot do it for ourselves.

    But they're not cognitive distortions me; they are absolute reality, plain and simple. Cognitive anguish results because of that, but I don't think the facts themselves are in error. So this is why seeing a therapist appears futile to me. Here's a sample conversation of what would happen

    Me: I want to take my life.

    Therapist: Why?

    Me: Well [I'll divulge just one of the reasons here] I'm terrible with people. I mean, socially. I have no social skills, and so I don't really have any friends. So that also means a girlfriend is forever off the table. It's just my personality, I mean I always try to be friendly but whenever I talk to someone I always say something stupid or it just goes nowhere. I just don't have that link with fellow human beings that everyone else seems able to have. And when I see that other people have that connection, I am wounded by deep envy. The resulting message I get from that is, "Wow, you are a fucking waste of skin loser." It's just one facet of why I reject myself.

    Therapist: You just have to be yourself. Talk to people if you have something to say, or don't if you have nothing to say. That's all there is to it.

    [Or some other trite solution that doesn't really get to the heart of the matter, or actually change who I am or what my personality is in any way. Yes, it's not the therapists responsibility that I change, I have to make that change, but the whole point is that I am just not capable of it. I am who I am, forever.]

    I appreciate the advice, but this is something I just can't understand. Yes, rationally, I know that my family "loves" me, and even if I don't feel that or feel it for them, it's still not enough to cloud out all the other things that I dislike and reject about this (or my particular) life. I don't know how you just hold onto this 'core.' I don't feel this core, and in any case it's not enough for me. For that matter, how my family feels about me is not how I feel.

    Yes, that's one thing. I have trouble finding joy in anything. I mean, something like watching a movie is diverting for a little bit, but then it's back to things as usual, the emptiness and vanity of everything just shines through to me. I also have those episodes of extreme mental anguish, though, and they are a result of when I wallow or come face-to-face with my problems and failures in life that I end up writhing in terror or embarassment.

    I think that's a big compnent. I don't have such an interpersonal connection with my family, and I don't have it with anyone for that matter. I don't know how to obtain it. (In the case of my family, I don't care if I'm not able to obtain it, but I wish I could have done so with other people.) So, painful isolation results. I feel an acute sense of isolation not just from my family but from society as a whole. Gobs of emptiness eat me up inside, and it just exacerbates all my other torments. I would try to fix this problem, if I knew how, but it's not something that you can just snap your fingers at and have it resolved. It's just who I am.

    That's true.

    I agree it's incredibly difficult, if not impossible. Maybe not overall "impossible" since there's millions of people who are able to achieve it (and acheive it with relative ease) but it's just not in my blood, so I am incapable of obtaining it. It's not just not being able to obtain it, but the realization that I fail so bad in this regard that is a double-whammy.

    Anyway, reading back over this reply, I still feel like I truly haven't given justice to why I'd like to take my life. It's just a part of the puzzle. No one thing would be enough to drive me over the edge, it's just a conglomerate of forces that I am unable to defeat. That's another bit of anguish, the realization that I can't truly put it into words to make anyone understand; I can only offer up fragments at best.

    But I am still here, and for how much longer I don't know. I see it coming though, and I feel it in every fiber of my being. I just don't know when. You know, I never stop trying to think things through but they always lead to the same dead-ends of mental breakdown. It's just an endless struggle.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 8, 2009
  14. bluto

    bluto Member

    That would be interesting. I think I would do it. Well, if I knew the option were available, I'd live my life differently... (I feel like this point begs more thought... maybe later).
  15. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    That's the same with me. I don't find real honest joy in most stuff, in fact almost everything feels really mundane and boring. I still think this is probably mostly because you have a lack of emotional connections. It can be both that and having a large perspective, since the lack of emotional connection anywhere can really suck the life out of you. I also have this fundamental defense mechanism where I stagnate and de-motivate because I can't take the pain of that void, which takes all my creativity and most of my intelligence with it. But when I get angry or upset over something, things re-open and I have a complete breakdown. It has happened recently but hasn't for awhile. I don't know if it is the same thing but it kind of sounds like you may have pent up feelings that almost 'explode' at a certain point in time.

    I still maintain that we are similar, though (not to be arrogant) I think I have my situation figured out a bit more. That's both a good thing and a bad thing I guess. I lack that same connection with society but I don't think it is a problem with you relating as much as just a lack of empathetic people there readily available in real life. I have noticed this too to an extreme extent, especially when you are talking about people with very high emotional intelligence who can really get complex feelings and thoughts. Not just say "Oh I understand", but really get it. And obviously, because its so difficult to get, it's not something that can be quickly solved. But I don't know how high your emotional requirements are. It's better to look now for people with at least some empathy, because I've found if you clam shit up for longer, your emotional needs just rise and rise and nothing cuts it.

    Actually, I would say that you are wrong, and that few people actually achieve it, let alone with relative ease. They achieve superficial connections, or even connections on some level, but I see very little of the truer deep connections where both people are mature and understand each others' feelings and thoughts (and try to improve this on a consistent basis). It seems more like that your emotional requirements are higher than most peoples' since you are more emotionally damaged from the isolation, more aware, or likely both.

    And yeah, the frustration from being alone and not being able to do anything about it (or feeling that way) can seriously build over time to a point of explosion. I still maintain that you need ONE person in your life that has empathy for you, and that the fact you haven't found this may mostly not even be your fault.

  16. glacier3141

    glacier3141 Member

    I think it is similar with me, but my 'explosions' are slightly different. It sounds by the way you describe it that something in particular will set you off, whatever the thing is that made you upset or angry, I dunno what kind of things, maybe a singular event, but I understand what you mean. As for me, it's not any one trigger that causes me to have a (what I guess you could call) pyschotic episode. They result when the myraid of torturous thoughts and ideas and reflections on the things in my life come to a boiling point and I just snap. This happened to me about a week ago, just to give an example. I was lying in bed at night, staring up at the dark ceiling, and all sorts of thoughts were going through my mind, a veritible hurricane of introspective cognition. It's like a bus that backs up and pulls forward and backs up and pulls forward, running over my mind over and over again, when I begin drowning in the various reflections and thoughts about everything that I am unhappy with or reject about myself and this life. It reaches a frenzy, where I just start moving violently in bed and pound my fists against my forehead because that's all I can do. It's a cutting realization of isolation and helplessness that is entirely unmerciful.

    But the thing is--well, go look around whenever you are in public. You will notice groups of families/friends who are walking along all totally happy-go-lucky, smiling and laughing amongst each other, and you can visibly see the richness that such connections give to the lives of those people. It's an observation I am unable to avoid seeing everytime I am in a public place--high school football game, the mall, the park, wherever. In all such places, you see groups upon groups who exhibit that very joy of interpersonal connection. This observation is always an oppresive blow to me. It's not that I resent these people--not at all; I am genuinely happy for them, and I wish everyone had that same benefit. But then I look at myself and my situation and I don't have the kind of interpersonal connection and meaning that everyone else seems to have. I discover I am different from these people. It's a doubly corrosive self-reflection, to see that I don't have such connections and also to know that I am basically incapable of obtaining them (because of personality, social skills, or whatever.) So, who knows if these connections you see in other groups of people are deep or not, but they sure look completely happy amongst themselves. And it's a source of wounding envy.
  17. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    Well obviously yeah, after the frustration has been building for a really long time. The event is just what makes things pour out after they've been really close.

    Yeah it seems like deep down this is really what it is, I just cover it up better or something. I don't know.

    Yeah I get what you mean, it just seems like you're kind of like me in that way, but without the heavy shield I wear to stop myself from exploding like that (though I still do occasionally). Things can build a lot when you have nothing to pre-occupy your mind, that is the problem. Everything just goes out of control since there often isn't any motivation to even STAY in control. Especially with no one there, no emotional connections. That's why I think you're having a problem wanting to stay alive. And that's exactly why I have a problem with it too. I'm in too much pain from the loneliness, but I also just don't have any real life grounding. Like I said, I think if you concretely realize the way the world is and exactly what you want, it will help. There are people out there who have reasonable empathy, uncommon, but not rare. Do it before you spiral even more down. But unfortunately, it is nowhere close to easy.

    Based on experience with helping many people and my own experience, I honestly think it is fake. I mean, on a superficial level we all desire connection, and I suppose people have some depth there, but it's not much. The real test is whether they would stick together if some horrid event that was personally scaring messed shit up. And I think that in that case, the answer is no (most of the time). People who are 'happy-go-lucky' are either blind or faking it.

    I can't blame you, honestly. But the reason they are able to even 'enjoy' those false connections is because they are ignorant and out of touch with their deeper sides. I believe people are capable of developing or opening their real depth, but many don't until near the end of their lives.

    I look at it another way. I resent that I lack interpersonal connections, but I see it that few people really have that. I see that in reality, they are as desolate as I am, they just don't realize it yet. And this is one of the major reasons that people plunge into depression, when something shakes up that 'happy go lucky' crap and there....there is no one there any more.

    Man, believe me. I have good social skills. I have, in the past, talked to people in depth. I know that what I am saying is completely and utterly true. Social skills can be developed and are somewhat important, in fact I changed in about six months when I was 16 from very anti social to quite social, though I think some of my frustration and anger still came across in mean sarcasm and half heartedness.

    Maybe you are different. Maybe you're actually above them in some aspects of life, even if it hurts like hell.
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