what if....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by poisonedresistance, Oct 3, 2016.

  1. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    What if,, for 13 years you had fought with hating yourself for the one mistake you had made in your life
    what if,, in that time you had realized that due to the criminal record you would never find work or have a home in your name
    what if,, youve struggled to rebuild family relationships with your parents and children only to learn that your mistake has shattered their lives and echos even know and each day is painful for them because of you
    what if,, you knew if people knew your past they would want you dead and you HAVE to tell those you start to get close to...
    What if,, they then break a promise and tell someone??
    What if,, that person is unpredictable and you spend every waking moment thinking someone will come to hurt you?
    what if ,, you find out the thing youve studied and devoted your life to for the last 4 years is now impossible because of this past mistake due to 'restrictions' that were not correctly explained.
    What if,, you learn you cannot marry the man you love who has asked you to be his wife because that would mean telling his family about that past which could tear them apart and cause arguments.

    There is no such thing as second chances, there is no such thing as a light at the end of the tunnel, there is no such thing as learning from your mistakes and moving on,,,there is only this.
     
  2. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    It has been a long time since I came here, nothing has changed, infact im just digging a hole. tonight I wish I had the strength to <mod edit - methods>,,,, tonight I wish I could <mod edit - methods>. Tonight I wish my heart would stop, just by thinking about it. I am in purgatory knowing I am headed for hell, there is no rest, there is no hope. Im tired of living a lie, where i lie to myself every day in order to feel like its worth it to keep going. I AM SICK OF LYING TO MYSELF,,,,I wish all this positive thought shit and move on stuff in songs and films and shit was true but in some cases it just isnt. A glimmer of hope is soon shattered, a hint of a dream is soon turned back to despair. that is how I am feeling, that is how I feel when I see through my own lies. The worst thing is, I know I deserve to feel that way. I should watch the pain ive caused every day,,,I should listen to my daughter when she says she wants to kill herself because of how her life is when I know ive caused it,,I should watch as my mum tortures herself like its her fault I turned out like this,, I should watch as my eldest son stays in his room and hides from the world because ive put him in that situation,, I should feel this anguish every fucking day ,,,, the only reason im here is because i deserve the pain
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 4, 2016
  3. kath2706

    kath2706 Member

    Hello you sound similar to me please don't beat your self up we are human we all make mistakes and no one is the perfect parent. I don't know anyone who hasn't made huge mistakes in life , I try to see these things as Gods way of showing us were not on the right path so try steer us in the right direction , I had a horrible ordeal turns out if that didn't happen I would be dead now , I'm new here so can't offer much advise but there are plenty off ppl on here who can help you your not alone in your feelings and you can be helped and things can get better for you xx
     
  4. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Hi Kath,

    Thankyou for your response, im not even sure why i posted, all i can say is i felt better once I had. Im struggling with these walls, I finally opened up to my partner today who had actually got up and opened my browser to see what i was up to last night and he questioned me about it all. I guess it was all a bit much. my best friend is also getting married, her date and everything is booked (she did it last week and i think thats what has sparked me off) and i feel like it doesnt matter what i try to do or where i try to go that I simply cannot seem to move forward. He understands how I am feeling though and we have had a good chat. i have made an appointment to speak to my police liaison officer as well, see if we cannot find a way through or around this mess. all i can do is try, but i feel like im running out of energy so fast.
     
  5. kath2706

    kath2706 Member

    It does take a lot of the stress doesn't it to open up about it I've hid mine for so long and I cant carry on living a lie and hiding my feeling , I'm so glad you came her to get things off your chest. That's what I find happens I can be great for days weeks and then something happens small or big it triggers everything and I feel I can't carry on , hope all goes well with your LO im so glad you are making positive steps to beat this :) xx